Saturday, June 28, 2008

This lady in Manchester told me that I looked (and I'm not entirely clear as to whether or not this is a swear word in Manchester) "sh*t hot"

I'm in Wales this week and whenever I go to the UK, I always stop at my favorite store.

So when I was trying on clothes and the Manchester lady said that, I thought it was probably a fantastic compliment.

But then I was telling my husband about it and he said, "But didn't you say you were all pale because you had stomach flu?"

me: "uh... yeah."

husband: "And didn't you say that your eyes were all sunk in and dark because you were jet-lagged AND dehydrated?"

me: "uh... yeah."

husband: "And don't you have a long history of misunderstanding things British people say to you?"

me: "uh... yeah."

husband: "So, are you *sure* that when she said you looked 'sh*t hot' she didn't mean that you looked like a steaming pile of sh*t?"

uh... no.

husband: "Because it just seems very strange to me that being compared to excrement could be a *good* thing."

yeah. me, too. sigh.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Grading today

This is the introduction a student wrote to their bibliographic essay. The assignment asked them to survey the existing canon of scholarly research for their topic and present areas in which original research was possible. Tonally, this usually produces papers rather bland and matter of fact. This introduction, however, made me laugh out loud like seventeen times. So I'm posting it in its entiry because even though it means this post will be longer than my normal posts, you'll probably laugh seventeen times, too.

"After days of research, I discovered that no one besides politicians have much of an opinion on nuclear energy research. Everyone who supports it is actually out using the technology, not sitting down at some desk somewhere writing about it. The only people who write articles about nuclear energy are speakers for the Department of Energy or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, and they are very boring, old men. Most resources on the pros and cons of nuclear energy exist only on the websites of nuclear associations in a short-sentence, bulleted format so the tired students who actually look that junk up for their class papers can read it quickly and get back to taking naps and partying and other such useful endeavors.

Topic: the implementation of nuclear power plants across the country would be most beneficial because of the environmental, economic and future benefits of nuclear energy.

No one actually writes on that.

Because there is a lot of room for original research. This research can be conducted in 10 years when nuclear reactors are more commonly used in the United States. Also, waste disposal is an area that needs to be studied a lot more. Should waste be hidden away in some mountain in the middle of nowhere, or should we research reprocessing plants to reuse the uranium fuel cells until we suck it completely dry and there is nothing left of it and we toss it out in the road for the dogs to eat like all the other garbage? But then if we accidentally throw out some uranium we could have giant, three-headed dogs that are super-intelligent and take over the world and walk around people on leashes. So of course the Democrats don’t want us using reprocessing plants, because a world taken over by mutant dogs (probably anti-goat cosmic calf dogs)[this is a class inside joke, BTW, and pretty funny; KCS] is not a world that they want to live in. But repositories aren’t a good solution either because we’re going to throw radioactive waste a thousand feet into the ground so there can be a major earthquake and all the uranium will get into the groundwater and contaminate the entire world and we’re all going to die. I guess either way it looks like we’re all going to die. Which is why this needs to be researched a lot more. I’m not ready to die yet.

Also, as a good Mormon I have to support nuclear technology. It is evident from my reading that nuclear power is going to create some disastrous accident that will make everyone some kind of creepy mutant which, obviously, is how the second coming is going to be brought about. In the end, that will be a good thing even though we have to be horrible mutants first.

I hope I get to be a ninja turtle.

Seriously, though, nuclear technology is incredibly fascinating. It is a potentially renewable energy source that comes at a cost smaller than that of any source of energy used today (besides, maybe, having small children run on giant hamster wheels, but I think there are laws against that sort of thing). Generally it is not dangerous. There have been several accidents in the past, but there have been no accidents in the United States where it has been proven that a uninvolved citizen was harmed. Using nuclear reactors for electricity will also open doors to all kinds of new nuclear technology like nuclear fuel and increased hydro-electric capabilities. It is good that the United States is taking steps to use this technology and learn."

Monday, June 23, 2008

It turns out that it isn't really fun to lose at Scrabble

I used to kick everyone's trash at online Scrabble. I'd win by, like, hundreds of points. And it never occurred to me that the people I was playing might *mind* losing like that. Winning seemed like no big deal to me, so why would losing be a big deal?

Then there started to be a few people (you know who you are) who were kicking my trash ALL the time. And I didn't like it. And I realized that maybe it bothered those other people I used to beat all the time.

When I told my bff this today, she was like, "Kerry, is there not one single thing that you don't have to learn through EXPERIENCE?" Because apparently, stuff that is obvious doesn't always occur to me until I go through it.

Then I was talking about how I was accidentally losing weight lately and she started to yell at me because people don't like to HEAR about people who ACCIDENTALLY lose weight and didn't I REMEMBER the whole convesation we were just HAVING?!

So, here's a picture of chubby me, because I would NEVER have posted it online before, but now I feel bad for moaning about my "problem."

This was how I looked more than 80 pounds ago when I weighed some 240 biggies:

I know what will be fun!

Let's rip off our shirts and then run in a circle!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Some of you are wondering who Miss Provo is and why I make fun of her

She's my sister. And you *have* to make fun of your siblings. (Especially when they're beauty queens.) It's how they know you *love* them.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Things you see when you go downtown

A man.

Racing down 400 South.

In an electric wheelchair.

With a massive grin on his face.


...A gallon of bleach.

Binge of the Century

Yesterday I ate:

Two of these:

Four pieces of this:

With lots of this:

Two of these:

Three of these:

Two more of these:

with more of this:

one of these:

I tried to eat some of this, but SOMEONE ate the last piece. (you know who you are):

So, instead, I had to steal someone's leftover this:

This is where you'll find me today:

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Things Beauty Queens Say

Me: "Hey, I just got a hit from Hackensack, New Jersey."

Miss Provo: "Really?"

Me: "I know. *Hackensack.* Weird, right?"

Miss Provo: "Seriously. Like, where is New Jersey, anyway?"

Ladies Man

Sam: "Hey, Mommy. You're very pretty."

Me: [much gushing and clapping.] "Oh, thank you, Sam!"

Sam: "And, Mommy. You look so SKINNY."

Me: [much gushing and clapping.] "Oh, thank you, Sam!"

Sam: [turns to Dad and says under breath] "Nice trick, huh?"

Quiz Time!

Which saves more gas: trading in a 16-mile-a-gallon gas guzzler for a slightly more efficient car that gets 20 mpg? Or going from a gas-sipping sedan of 34-mpg to a hybrid that gets 50 mpg?

(find the answer (and the original question above that I just copied and pasted)here.)

Things Beauty Queens Say

"Hey, Sam. Can you say the letter five?"

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My cell phone went off while I was teaching a class

and I was like, "ugh. that's not professional, is it."

and one of the students looked at me and said, "uh... Kerry. Since *when* have you ever been *professional*?!"

I was inducted into a Secret Society today

I've been at a writing conference this week. Today, the conference hoo-ha's pulled me aside.

"Kerry," they said. "Thanks for letting us read your manuscript and all. We'd like to invite you to be a part of a Secret Society."

"Woo hoo!" I thought. "I must be the best writer, EVER!"

Then they handed me my official membership button:

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I know a secret that Cheri Earl doesn't know.

but I don't think she blogs. And I'm not telling until she asks.

So, I totally wanted to blog about this creepy "Afterglow" Albumn cover tonight

It had a man holding a little girl's hand underneath the "Afterglow" name and then at the bottom, the title of the albumn was "Love at Home."

I was going to rail on them because did no one at their label bother to VET the thing for the awful and creepy connotations?!

But when I did an image search for the cover, I couldn't find it. All I found was an empty box that said, "Image Removed By Publisher."

So, yes, apparently there was vetting. It was just a bit too LATE is all.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Sometimes People Just aren't RUDE enough

All day long I've been a seething cesspool of rage. I've been waiting and waiting for someone to be rude/mean/stupid/etc. so that I could just explode and yell at them. I kept imagining their shocked faces as I bellowed insults and "exCUse me!"'s and created colorful new expletives.

But today everyone has been *nice.* All friggin day long.

So instead of getting to YELL at people, I had to SMILE at them. I even had to LAUGH at their jokes. (Because they were funny, after all.) They weren't even the fake kind of nice. They were all genuine and interesting and I didn't get to scream at a SINGLE PERSON.

*&^% friendliness.

Things Students Will Do for Paper Extensions

They will allow me to tie their hands behind their back and then they will proceed to squat down to the kiddie table and lick up a plate full of something brown and gooey. (Probably pudding, but I can't say for sure.)

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Things Students Will Do for Paper Extensions

They will call up an aquantaince and tell him that God has sent a revelation that they should get married.

Things Beauty Queens Say

"So, I noticed that you haven't posted anything I've said recently. I guess that's because I went and became a genius somehow and never say anything stupid anymore."

Friday, June 13, 2008

The only bad thing that happened to day

was that a bird pooped on my pretty new hair.

otherwise, today kinda rocked. no particular reason. it was just awesome.

Last night I dreamed that Mr. Rogers was yelling at me

He said something about not acknowledging emotions. And then he turned into a scorpion and had a big army of spiders start jumping at me.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

My Husband: On Why He's Not Sexist

"Because, Honey, it's not that I think *women* should be the ones to do all the cooking and cleaning and diaper changing. I just think it shouldn't be *me.*"

So I made him read this article. At which point he decided to go do some laundry.

Explains a lot, I guess

This was Steve's Score:


As a 1930s husband, I am

Take the test!

A Sad, Sad Thing Happened Today

I paid $70.00 for a tank of gas. Seventy friggin dollars.

It turns out that it is really hard to take a picture of yourself

This is my new haircut. I couldn't get the top of my head in the picture no matter how hard I tried.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Sorry, Mom


As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)

Take the test!

Ironic string of dreams last night

All about being sleep deprived. In one of them, I kept hopping between continents and every new country I went to I would hope it would be night time, but it never was and I was EXHAUSTED. In another, my entire family was wandering around at two in the morning, trying to find a place to sleep and I kept trying to think of ways to sneak coffee into my kid's bottles without them noticing so they would be able to stay awake. (I couldn't drink the coffee because of the whole W.O.W. thing, but apparently I had no problem trying to feed it to babies.) In another dream, I kept trying to sleep but then I realized I was in a stranger's kitchen and they were looking at me funny for sleeping on their floor.

In all of the dreams, I always--at some point--realized that I was *dreaming.* Which meant that my quest for sleep had actually been *successful.* Which meant that the fact that I was dreaming that I couldn't sleep was just...well... *odd.*

I blame it on NyQuil.

When You Go to Girl's Camp in JUNE

you're not supposed to be able to have a snowball fight!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Needed: Photographer

Because the baby woke up at five AM this morning, I had some time to kill.

So, I found this page on wiki how.

I sure would like to see those step-by-step photos that they say they need. Anyone want to take a stab?

Lily wouldn't stop whining and so I asked her,"Are you tired? Or are you just being a pain in the bum bum?"

She stopped, looked at me quizzically, then turned around, lifted up her shirt and looked at her bum bum.

"Ow." She concluded. "Yiyi bum bum is OW."

Then she started to hold her bum while she whined.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Things I learned today

1. If you don't look for one of these at the bottom of the stairs

then you might trip.

2. And if you're still freaked out from tripping down the stairs, you might not notice that your water bottle is open when you put it on the car seat and your jacket will end up soaking wet.

3. And when you're annoyed that your jacket is all wet, you might not check your gym bag to make sure you brought your work shoes. Then you will have to teach a class wearing a pants suit and tennis shoes and your students will tell you that you look like Ellen Degeneres.

4. And then when you go to help your sister jump her car, you should double check that you hooked the right cable to the right battery terminal. Or else this might happen:

5. And then you'll have to grab the burning hot jumper cables before your car explodes and you'll burn your hand.

6. So you'll rip off your soaking wet jacket and use it to throw the sparking, melting cables on the ground, right as the plastic is boiling into little smoking bubbles.

7. and after all of that, you're going to want one of these:

Morning Conversation

me: Hey, there, honey, how did you sleep?
4yo: not good, mommy. not. good.
me: Why?
4yo: another bad dream, mommy.
me: oh no! tell me about it!
4yo: well, there was Elmo.
me: Elmo?!
4yo: yes.
me: what was he doing?
4yo: he was *reading* to me, mommy. *reading.*
4yo: yes, mommy. *reading.*

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Whining is against the Word of Wisdom

Unless I make the whine, myself,that is.

So, here is some whine of my own make:

I have a cold.
Having a cold makes me very cranky.
Being sick at all makes me feel like a failure.
Can anyone explain this? How, exactly, should an inability to control one's lungs/nose/mucus secretions/etc. constitute failure?

I didn't say it was *logical.*

(Or that it would make you drunk.)
(Except for maybe if you take NyQuil.)
(Where did I put that bottle...)

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I guess I can't Publish anything in the Ensign now

Sunstone magazine just published my remembrace of Gordon B. Hinkley.

Oh, well. I was already on the official church heretic list, anyway, so it's not like the Ensign'd even read anything I sent them.

Monday, June 02, 2008

My doctor's office left a message on my answering machine telling me I needed to call back urgently because it was "very important"

So, obviously, the husband starts freaking out. Follows a [loose] paraphrase:

husband: "OMG! Are you dying?"
me: "Nah, they're just messing with me."
husband: "Your doctor *messes* with you? Seriously? Maybe it's a brain tumor and you're insane AND dying. Here, you listen."
[I listen to voicemail.]
me: "That was a pretty good poker voice, but I'm still pretty sure they're just messing with me."
husband: "What kind of doctor *messes* with you?!"
me: "The AWESOME kind." (Duh.)

The voicemail was left on Friday, so I couldn't call back 'till today.

Turns out it WAS urgent. VERY, VERY URGENT.

See, the deadline was about to run out for this contest and their whole office had decided that I seriously had a chance of winning. (I totally agree, by the way.)

Alas, the deadline was Friday.

Next year, man. Next year.

Seriously, Wow.

Go to this site and watch the video.