[Time: yesterday morning]
[Setting: the middle of friggin nowhere.]
[We're camping in the Nevada mountains with my huge paternal extended family. They are very good campers. Me? not so much.]
Kamikaze Chipmunk (KC): [hurls himself from the roof of our 10 ft. tall cabin.]
me: [scream as something that feels like a rubber ball whacks my face and wakes me up.]
my sister, Kate: [laughs]
me: [sit up, glare at Kate.] "What did you do that for?"
Kate: [innocently] "Do what?"
me: "Throw that ball or whatever at me."
Kate: "I didn't throw anything at you."
me: "What hit me in the face then?"
me: [look at my pillow.]
Kamikaze Chipmunk (KC): [gives me a look as innocent as Kate's]
KC: [cocks his head like humans are very amusing.]
me: [talking to chipmunk] "OMG, are you not even going to run away as I scream at you? Have you no fear of humans at ALL?"
KC: [thinks humans are very amusing indeed.]
me: "I could totally kill you, you know. You really should get off of my pillow! And for heaven's sake, develop more fear of humans!"
KC: [looks like he may be laughing at me.]
Steve: [wakes up] "What's going on?"
me: [point to chipmunk]
Steve: "OMG that's a chipmunk."
me: "Do something already!"
Steve: [tries to grab chipmunk]
KC: [casually flicks his tail out of the way]
Everyone in the WHOLE CABIN: [starts to laugh hysterically]
me: "OMG it's like a mouse but bigger."
Steve: "And with tattoos."
me: "Chipmunk, why don't you RUN AWAY?!"
KC: [looks at me like he's laughing again]
Steve: [manages to grasp tail of KC and tries to fling him out the window, but KC squirms free and stares at us from window sill.]
KC: [totally laughing at us again.]
Everyone in the WHOLE CABIN: [squealing and laughing]
me: "OMG he probably has fleas and tics and diseases and now they're all over my pillow!!"
Steve: [grasps tail again and is finally able to toss KC out of the window.]
KC: [laughs the whole way down.]
me: "I need a bath. There is too much nature all over me."
[I get up and stare at my contaminated bed.]
me: "And also, my face hurts."
[I hobble out of the cabin and spend the rest of the morning yelling at random chipmunks.]
Hot Dog Taste Test by Lisa Hanawalt
3 days ago