Wednesday, March 31, 2010

In which Sam mysteriously morphs into a hysterical 14 year old drama queen AND a Jewish mother *at the same time *

me: "Sam, you've got to help clean up a bit."

Sam: [watches TV show.]

me: "Sam? Can you hear me?"

Sam: [watches TV show.]

me: [turn off the TV so he can hear me.]

Sam: "MOM!!! Why would you DO that?!"

me: "Because I'm trying to talk to you about cleaning up and you aren't listening."

Sam: [eyes well up with tears.] "But you KNOW that the TV is my *favorite thing in the world.* How could you take it away from me?! I thought you *loved* me!"

me: "I do love you. But I need you to come to your room now and clean it up."

Sam: "CLEANING?! But that is HARD! It makes my arms hurt! And my legs! It causes me SO MUCH PAIN! You wouldn't hurt me like this, would you?"

me: "I would. You need to clean up."

Sam: "But... but..." [openly starts sobbing: loud] "Have you forgotten that I'm you're favorite son? What kind of person does this to their *favorite son*?!"

me: "Okay, I don't want to listen to this. Let's have you go finish this fit in your room. While you clean it."

Sam: [sobs] "If you weren't such a terrible mother, none of this would be happening!"

me: "Do you need a nap? You sound like you need a nap."

Sam: "NO!!! I just need you to UNDERSTAND! For ONCE!!!"



(Sara was there. She can add any dialog I forgot. Good times.)

Sam's Response to the Promotional Literature at the Dr's Office:



[eyeball roll] "Blah, Blah, Blah. Science, science, science."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Steve Calls It "The Crock Pot Condom"

this is a shout out to Reynold's Crock Pot liners. I learned about them from my mom, who would probably like me to reiterate that she does NOT call them what Steve calls them. (She's prudish that way.)

With these it takes like five seconds to clean up. I'm totally a fan.

Yogi Sam

[Sam and I are finishing up a yoga class; Sam loves yoga--has been going since he was six weeks old. Our current yoga teacher is like a cross between Richard Simmons and Mr. Rogers. All things considered, this is much better than Orgasmic Breathing Teacher.]

yoga teacher: "Wow. That kid is amazing. He's like a little reincarnated lama. It must be such a delight to live with such a *light.*"

me: "Yeah, he's a good kid. A real Yogi."

Sam: [running in circles] "And I like honey, too!"

me: "Sam, did you wash your hands after you went to the bathroom?"

Sam: "umm.... yes?"

me: "Don't lie to me."

Sam: [hits forehead]

yoga teacher: "I'll get the hand sanitizer."

Monday, March 29, 2010

Sam's Deep Thought of the Day:

Sam: "I think that skunks have really stinky farts."

me: "Yeah."

Sam: "I think they're probably even stinkier than *ours.*"

(I dunno, that's pretty stinky...)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sam says, "Hey, you want to hear a joke?"

Sam: "So what would happen if you combined tortilla soup with macaroni and cheese?"

me: "What?"

Sam: "No, really, what would happen?"

me: "I don't know."

Sam: "You'd have tortilla cheese! That's funny, right?!"

In which Sam gives us a rare glance at his father's genes

[Sam is next to me while I get my computer out. On the desktop, he spots the picture in the last post.]

Sam: "Mommy, why did you call that picture 'Sam and Lily and Charlie?'"

me: "Because it's of Sam and Lily and Charlie."

Sam: "But you're not supposed to have two 'ands.' It's supposed to go, 'Sam, Lily, and Charlie.'"

me: "OMG, did you just correct my grammar?!"

Sam: "I don't know what that is. I just know you did it wrong."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sam: getting amped up for his first attendance at the increasingly gender-neutral ritual of the baby shower

Sam: "I'm just so excited about this baby shower tonight."

me: "You are? Really?"

Sam: "See, a 'shower' is another word for 'celebration,' and I am all about celebration."

me: "Interesting. When I was your age, I thought a baby shower was a cult-like phenomenon wherein the lights would be turned off and everyone would get in the bathtub with a baby."

Sam: "A better word would really be 'party.' That's what a real celebration is in English, you know. A party."

me: "So you're not upset because you'll probably be the only boy there?"

Sam: [laughs] "You know me, Mommy. I am a real ladies man."

me: "A ladies man?"

Sam: "It's true! Listen, 'Helllooooooo Ladies!'"

me: "OMG. Did Uncle Bubba teach you that?"

Sam: "TV."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Sam and Lily's Perspective on Quality Health Care:

[we're waiting for the doctor]

Sam: "I have to go to the bathroom."

Lily: "I have to go to the bathroom, too."

me: "I think there's only one bathroom."

Lily: "Wait a second, I'll ask." [muttering in the hallway] "Come on, Sam!"

[they disappear]

[time passes]

[they come back]

Sam: "Wow. That was just really amazing."

Lily: "I know! TWO BATHROOMS! One over here and the other over there!"

Sam: "And Dr. Katie knew where they were! She showed us!"

Lily: [awed] "She is so smart."

Sam: [adoring gaze toward the hallway] "That's why she's a doctor."

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I give up!

final word count: 23,187

total words added to my manuscript during the marathon: 7952

[collapses]

Last day of the writing marathon!!! Woot!

today's starting word count: 20,731

words written yesterday: 2092

words written since the start of the marathon: 5496

am I going to finish a draft of this book today? um, no.

and am I going to try to find a new job? yes.

(are you allowed to be a writer if you hate writing?)

Friday, March 19, 2010

here's the thing about this whole writing marathon thing:

like 80% of what I do when I "write" is revise.

but those aren't the rules of this marathon.

we're supposed to see who can write the most *new* words during the marathon.

and I don't write like that normally.

normally I write one scene. then I work on revising. the next day I write another scene. then I work on revising. the next day I might write two scenes. but then I revise some more.

and I *think.*

I drive around and mull over the plot. I just think about this character or that character while I'm doing stuff until magically I get an idea for *one scene.* then I write down the *one scene* and, yanno, revise some more.

this sitting in a chair and just writing newstuff newstuff newstuff one scene after the other...

it feels like I'm digging it straight out of my bone marrow (with an ice-cream scoop). like there is nothing left to dig out without breaking a femur or something.

do real people write like this?!

dude.

Weird Protagonist Names

Okay, y'all. I need to gauge the weirdness of some names.

I have these two characters and I'd been calling them Holly and Ivie, but last night (really late and probably after I'd taken an Ambien) I decided to change their names. The change was primarily because of some really important plot stuff that I can't get into without giving too much away, but also because of the fact that some really well-selling books from a genre similar to this one were headed by a protag named Holly.

I chose the names Sila and Sanna. Now, these *specific* names were chosen, like I said, for important plot stuff I don't want to get into, though aesthetically I'd probably have chosen something different. (Yanno, like Holly and Ivie.)

But are they too weird?

And is it worse that they're supposed to be pronounced with a Sh? ('Sheelah,' and
'Shanna.')

How do you feel about book characters with weird names?

Vote:


Ugh. Late start marathoning today.

I had meetings and junk this morning and just finished them.

Today's starting word count: 18,639

Total words written so far during the marathon: 3,404

which sort of sounds like a lot, but I spent all friggin day writing, people. correction: I spent all friggin day staring at my computer like an idiot. except for these two hours when I had a nervous breakdown and turned on American Idol instead. but those were sort of productive because right at the end I had a little inspiration about what to do next in my book. down time is totally essential for writers. that's not just me rationalizing the fact that I watch too much TV. although, I totally watch too much TV. and also probably rationalize stuff.

and now I'm procrastinating work by still blogging. because I don't know what to do next. gah!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Worst. Mother. Ever.

Lily: "Mommy, Mommy. Let's read some books!"

me: [wanting to sleep] "Huh? what? books? Nah. TV is WAY better than books." [turn on TV and go to sleep.]

[time passes]

Lily: "Mommy, you should wake up sometime. I'm VERY late for school."

me: [sleeping]

Lily: "Mommy, don't you think I should go to school?"

me: "School totally doesn't matter until college anyway."

Lily: "But I'm very hungry."

me: "Go grab yourself something."

Lily: "Just wake up, okay?"

me: "Okay, okay."

Lily: "Yay! Can you make breakfast now?"

me: "Um... Let's just go to McDonald's for breakfast."

Lily: "Mommy, breakfast is much cheaper and healthier if we eat at home."

me: "Yeah, but I don't have a cup as big as McDonald's does and I need a lot of diet coke."

Lily: "You drink too much diet coke. You need to go on a diet coke diet."

me: "Probably. Let's hit the drive-through."

[we hit the drive through and show up at school.]

Lily: "Hey, Mommy?"

me: "Yeah?"

Lily: "Why is everyone wearing green?"

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Dear Dr. Google:

Remember when I was sad because you wouldn't let me be a hypochondriac?

you have redeemed yourself.

because it turns out that the petichiae on my stomach? it couldn't possibly be from the fact that I tend to rest my burning hot laptop on my bare skin. No, it's more likely that it's from Leukemia. Or Bolivian Hemorrhagic Fever. Which is highly contagious! So me and my kids better rush to the ER.

and remember that one time when they sky turned green and then I fell off my bike and broke my arm? it turns out that it was most likely a childhood seizure.

in fact, all those times that I randomly got that really funny taste in my mouth as a kid? not from bad dental hygiene! also childhood seizures!

and it turns out that hangnails cause amputations.

and that hickeys cause cancer.

and my kids' imaginary friends are a sign of schizophrenia.

and the fact that I keep writing letters to inanimate objects (and Bush) blaming them for things that are obviously my fault? some sort of personality disorder.

maybe even a sign of cyberchondria.

phew. I was worried there for a bit.

xo

me

Dear Telephone:

I just woke up. With a headache from Diet Coke withdrawl.

And it's your fault.

Because, see, if I didn't find you so terrifying, I could just pick you up and call Dr. Katie and say, "Hey, Dr. Katie, Walgreen's is having trouble with your fax number. Could you fax them my Ambien prescription?" And she'd probably say yes. She's nice like that.

But instead, I just wait for Walgreen's to figure it out. And in the meantime, stare at my ceiling until 4AM. Then wake up with that *&^%$ headache.

If you didn't make my armpits sweat
or make me feel all yucky in my stomach
and if picking you up didn't make me want to throw you somewhere (far, far, away)

things would be different.

xo

me

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Dear George Bush:

Here's the thing, honey. Daylight savings is not supposed to come in March. It is supposed to come at General Conference time, so that they can remind us over the pulpit over and over to re-set our clocks.

But you went and changed that.

And so, the fact that I show up an hour late, looking around all confused at events that seem to be almost over?

Your fault.

xo

me

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Deep Thursday Night TV Realization:



+



=

Why You Should Not Read Books About Vampires After Taking Ambien:

because Ambien is a class of drugs known as hypnotics.

and when you get hypnotized, your brain doesn't always know the difference between reality and fiction.

and so you wake up looking like this:

The problem with People.com

is that you go there just to get the date a show is starting and you end up READING ALL FRIGGIN 247 comments about Kate G on Dancing with the Stars. And then it's past midnight and you go OMG I'm one of THOSE people. And then it gets worse because you really, really want to leave a comment too and you go OMG I REALLY AM one of THOSE people.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Anyone want to do a little writing marathon?

there are prizes.

sign up here and be sure to say I'm the one who referred you to it.

(if I win the 'referral' prize, I'll do a massive book giveaway on this blog. it'll rock sox.)

Monday, March 01, 2010

Morning Conversation

Lily: "Mommy, you are getting really fat."

Steve: "Lily! What part of Mommy is fat?! Why are you saying that?"

Sam: [not realizing that Steve's question was rhetorical] "It's you're butt, I think. It really looks enormous."