Monday, May 22, 2006

Buying Fat Pants

I had to buy fat pants the other day. At a bonified "fat ladies" store. Here's how it went:

I walk in. The saleslady asks me, "Can I help you?"

I say, "Yeah. I'm so freaking fat now that I have to shop at this store and I need pants because I'm fat."

Her response: icy silence. It's at this point that I realize that she's at least four sizes larger than I am. She points silently at the clearance rack of pants and walks to the back of the store.

Because the baby strapped on my chest could wake up at any moment, I hurry to try on as many pairs of pants as I can and choose one. It costs $50 which is depressing.

Then I go to check out. The large sales lady asks, "This all?"

I open my mouth to say, "I sure as heck hope so. I hate being so fat and pray to heaven this comes off before the pants wear out."

But I think better of it and just nod.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Speedy Delivery

Baby number two has made her arrival. And it was FAST.

One minute the doctor was in the room saying that I was barely dilated to a 5 and it would probably be 4-6 more hours and the next minute (actually, just under 20 minutes later) I was crying/screaming as my mother in law was putting on rubber gloves to deliver the baby herself because it didn't look like the doctor *or* nurse was going to make it in time. Meanwhile I was totally panicking because A) WHY wasn't my epidural working? and B) WAS MY MOTHER IN LAW REALLY GOING TO DELIVER MY BABY? ***SERIOUSLY?!***

But she's cuter than I expected her to be. Is that horrible? To expect your baby to be ugly? I also expected her to be a pain in the &%^, but she's not so bad so far. Knock on every freaking piece of wood this side of the Atlantic. She's sleeping right next to me as I type, making those cute little newborn sighs. I may hate babies, but I confess, I don't hate her that much at all. :-)

Oh, and by the way, my mother in law didn't have to deliver the baby. The doctor rushed in just in time. Thank goodness.