Lily: On Doctors and Mommy

me: “You know what Lil? You should be a doctor when you grow up. You’d be great at it.”

Lily: “OMG NOOO! I will NEVER EVER do that!!”

me: “Why? You’re driven, smart, you work hard…”

Lil: [interrupting  me] “MOM! Doctors are HORRIBLE PEOPLE.”

me: “Horrible? They’re healers!”

Lil: “They’re sickos!!! They stab people with needles, they use knives and they cut you open! Sometimes, they cut stuff OFF. And I know they do it to kids.They’re the worst kind of people possible. I will never, ever, ever be a doctor.”

me: [confused]

Lil: [pauses, cocks her head a bit and says…] “You could, though!"

Evening Conversation: In Which Lily Makes Us Feel Stupid AND Manages to Induce an Existential Crisis At the Same Time

[we're driving]

Lily: "One."

me: "Huh?"

Lily: "What's it all about?"

me: "One?"

Lily: "Yeah."

me: "I don't get it."

Steve: "Maybe she means 'won' like winning or losing?"

Lily: "That's not what I mean."

me: "So what do you mean? Are we talking existential? Numerical? Numerological? Philosophical?"

Lily: [Looks at me like I'm very stupid indeed.] "I'm talking about the number." [pauses and speaks very slowly.] "One... what that about?"

Steve and I: [fumbling a lot] "Um... it's about present versus absent... totality versus partiality... it exists... but it's alone..."

Lily: [Another condescending stare.] "Yeah, but what really bugs me is the name. I mean... ONE. Who got to name it? It shouldn't even HAVE a name. It's a NUMBER."

Steve and I: [give up and look out the window.]

Afternoon Conversation: Touché Dude

Sam (7yo):  "I've changed my mind about marriage.  I think I might actually do it one day."

me: "Oh? What changed your mind?"

Sam: [squints] "Well, it may or may not have something to do with, yanno," [voice gets really quiet] "an 'M' crush."

me: "An 'M' crush? That sounds very interesting. What is this 'M' crush?"

Sam:  "Don't talk so loud.  And I'm sorry, but I can't tell you any more about it."

me: [ignoring the "don't talk so loud" edict] "Why? You should tell me everything!  I'm your Mommy!" 

Sam: [shakes his head] "No. I had a dream about this. I told you everything and you know what you did? You went and you wrote all about it on the internet and told the WHOLE WORLD."

In Which I am Very Disappointed in my Offspring

We found this note (scribbled in kid's Crest toothpaste and reading "Your dead Dad") on our bathroom mirror:

Needless to say, I was very disappointed.

I mean, how can I call myself an English professor when my very own children don't know the difference between "your" and "you're?"

Afternoon conversation: In which Sam considers his options

Sam: "omigosh, Mom, I fell down and scraped my knees!"

me: "You scraped your knee?"

Sam: [showing me] "I scraped BOTH knees!"

me: "Do you want me to kiss it or something?"

Sam: "No."

me: "What do you want to do?"

Sam: "Well, I've heard of this thing called 'walking it off.' I think I'd like to try that."

Afternoon conversation: In which I am put in my place

me: [at grocery store] "I think we should get some grapes."

Sam: "I love grapes."

me: "I know."

Sam: "How do you know?"

me: "Mommies know everything."

Sam: "That's not true."

me: "Of course it is."

Sam: "Well, maybe you know everything about your kids, but you don't know *everything.*"

me: "Oh?"

Sam: "I mean, look at you. You only teach college. It's not like you teach grad school or anything."

You know you've been watching too many 80's movies when...

[we're swimming]

Lily: "Let's play Marco Polo!"

Sam: "Naw. I don't want to play that. Let's play Global Thermonuclear War."

me: "How on earth do you play *that* in a pool?"

Sam: "Well, you find the Russians and you SPLASH them."

me: "Okay, you find the Russians and splash them. But how do you *win*?

Sam: "Mommy, nobody wins a nuclear war."

Afternoon conversation: Sam on Self Esteem

Sam: [Artfully wrapping a towel around himself after swimming.]

Lily: "Sam. What are you doing. You totally look like a girl."

Sam: "No, Lily." [Pause so he can look at himself in the mirror.] "What I look like is a GOD."

When I was little, we just played with legos.

(the last video gets cut off right as Sam asks, "Are you going to put this on youtube, Mom?" And then a minute later, "Omigosh, Lily. You really hurt me.")

What Sam said to his Auntie Barb about being old:

"I have this one cousin who's REALLY old. You know how old she is? She's so old that she was born in the NINETEENS!"

Happy birthday to both Barb and "old" cousin Katelyn. We like you even though you were both born in the nineteens.

I am either not cool or not a girl. Lily won't specify.

me: "Hey, you wrote you name on your arm."

Lily: [Holds up arm and examines it.] "It's not writing. It's a tattoo."

me: "You're going to grow up and get ten thousand tattoos, aren't you. There's nothing I'm going to be able to do to stop it."

Lily: "All cool girls get tattoos."

me: "But I don't have any tattoos."

Lily: [shrugs, sort of glares at me--Lily's default look when she's looking at me.] "Yes, because *COOL GIRLS* get tattoos."

me: "I see."

Morbid Thursday: A Conversation with Dr. Lily (or Ms. Go Hide?)

Lily: "The thing about knives, Mommy, is that they cut you."

me: "You speak truth."

Lily: "They can cut any part of you. They can cut your throat and your arms and your legs and your head and your face and your toes."

me: "Yes, but you are not going to use a knife to do that, are you."

Lily: "I think it's possible to cut off your own fingers."

me: "Okay, now I'm going to need you to actually say the words, 'I will not touch knives.'"

Lily: "There would be a lot of blood if that happened. A whole big pool of blood."

me: "Repeat after me, 'I. will. not. touch. knives.'"

Lily: "Okay, okay."

me:  "Say it."

Lily:  "Geez.  No knives.  Okay?"

me: "And you won't let your friends touch knives, either, right? Because blood is gross."

Lily: "Mommy. Blood is not gross. It's just part of us. The liquid part."

me: "Blood is totally gross."

Lily: "No. It's just wet. The only thing about blood is that it means pain."

me: "Yes. PAIN. That's the part you should dwell on. Because all this talking about blood and knives is very disturbing. Unless you want to be a doctor when you grow up. And then it's only slightly less disturbing."

Lily: "I would be a very good doctor."

me: "I sort of agree."

Lily: "I think owies are just so interesting."

me: "That's better. Come give me a kiss."

Lily: "Oh, I don't think so. Faces have way too many germs. You can get me sleeping medicine, though."

me: "You want to be drugged to sleep?"

Lily: "Yes, please."

me: "Oh my heck."

When I found Lily Sitting--Fully Clothed--On the Toilet and Reading a Magazine, She Glared At Me and Said:

"Geez, Mommy. Sometimes you just want to be ALONE. Somewhere QUIET."

And then she growled and walked out.

What Lily said when Steve found her, sitting in the front seat of my car, with a set of stolen keys in the ignition and the radio blaring:

"But Daddy. I'm just so.tired.of.sitting.around."

Actually, kiddo, I feel your pain.

Oh, I'll show you pain, buddy...

me: "Sam, it's time for school. Go get your shoes on."

[time passes]

me: "Sam, why aren't your shoes on?"

Sam: "Okay, okay, okay. GEEEEZ."

[time passes]

me: "Sam! Where are your shoes."

Sam: [Shrugs] "I realized something."

me: "What?"

Sam: "You can't actually make me get my shoes on."

me: "Of course I can!"

Sam: "Think about it. You can't."

me: "Why? What are you talking about?"

Sam: "I'm talking about your pain. Look at you. You're not making me do anything while you're like that."

Sam: On Kickin' it Old School

me: "What are your plans today, kiddo?"

Sam: "I think it feels like an Old School kind of day."

me: "Old School?"

Sam: "Yup."

me: "What does an Old School Day entail?"

Sam: "It means giving up the computer, the DS, and even the iPad. What it really means is to go back--back to what people used to do before they had those things."

me: "And what's that?"

Sam: "Watching television."

Afternoon Conversation

me: "Sam. Why aren't you wearing a shirt."

Sam: "Because, Mommy. It was a really rockin' party."

In Which Lily Considers the Nuances of Human Relationships

me: "Lily! How was your first day back at preschool [after your two week long kids-only vacation to CA]?"

Lily: "It was good."

me: "Did your friends miss you?"

Lily: "They did. They asked me, 'Lily! Where have you been?'"

me: "What did you say?"

Lily: "I said, 'I was in California you idiots.'"

me: "Excuse me?"

Lily, "I said, 'I was in California. You. Idiots.'"

me: "Well that's not very nice."

Lily: "Yeah. They didn't like it, either. Novalee decided not to be my friend for the day and Trey thought of kicking me in the face."

me: "Yeah, people don't really like to be called idiots."

Lily: "Thanks. I found that out already."

Evening Conversation: Sam Has a Recession-Proof Plan

sam: "Mommy, you think I'm cute, right?"

me: "You ARE cute."

sam: "I'm thinking I can use my cuteness."

me: "Use it?"

sam: "Yeah. For money."

me: "You're going to use your cuteness for money."

sam: "I think all I need is a sign: 'see cuteness for $1!' People will definitely pay to see me."

me: "You think?"

sam: "Don't worry. I'll give you some of the money, Mommy. If you need it. If you don't, I'll just keep it."

me: "Okay. I'll let you know."

Evening Conversation

Lily: "So, um, what are we doing?"

Miss Provo: "We're going out to dinner."

Lily: [says nothing.]

Miss Provo: "Do you know *why* we're going out to dinner?"

Sam: "I know, I know. Because of Mommy's thing."

me: "That's *DR.* Mommy, remember?"

Sam: [grunt and/or breathed laugh. hard to specify.]

Lily: "So, when are you going to get your doctor outfit?"

me: "Huh, what?"

Lily: "You know. Like a coat or something?"

Miss Provo: "I think you're talking about medical doctors. Your Mom is a philosophy doctor." [insert long discussion about the various titling methods for advanced degrees.]

[awkward pause.]

Lily: "So, uh, what are we doing again?"