Lily: On Doctors and Mommy

me: “You know what Lil? You should be a doctor when you grow up. You’d be great at it.”

Lily: “OMG NOOO! I will NEVER EVER do that!!”

me: “Why? You’re driven, smart, you work hard…”

Lil: [interrupting  me] “MOM! Doctors are HORRIBLE PEOPLE.”

me: “Horrible? They’re healers!”

Lil: “They’re sickos!!! They stab people with needles, they use knives and they cut you open! Sometimes, they cut stuff OFF. And I know they do it to kids.They’re the worst kind of people possible. I will never, ever, ever be a doctor.”

me: [confused]

Lil: [pauses, cocks her head a bit and says…] “You could, though!"

It figures.

Sam and Lily made "found items" sculptures for their art class. (Sculptures out of trash.)

Sam made a gun. Lily made something to wear.

You know you've been watching too many 80's movies when...

[we're swimming]

Lily: "Let's play Marco Polo!"

Sam: "Naw. I don't want to play that. Let's play Global Thermonuclear War."

me: "How on earth do you play *that* in a pool?"

Sam: "Well, you find the Russians and you SPLASH them."

me: "Okay, you find the Russians and splash them. But how do you *win*?

Sam: "Mommy, nobody wins a nuclear war."

When I was little, we just played with legos.

(the last video gets cut off right as Sam asks, "Are you going to put this on youtube, Mom?" And then a minute later, "Omigosh, Lily. You really hurt me.")

My Children: On the Web

Sam has been telling stories to people.

And also, we have uncovered for certain the trajectory of Lily's future.

Evening Conversation: Sam Has a Recession-Proof Plan

sam: "Mommy, you think I'm cute, right?"

me: "You ARE cute."

sam: "I'm thinking I can use my cuteness."

me: "Use it?"

sam: "Yeah. For money."

me: "You're going to use your cuteness for money."

sam: "I think all I need is a sign: 'see cuteness for $1!' People will definitely pay to see me."

me: "You think?"

sam: "Don't worry. I'll give you some of the money, Mommy. If you need it. If you don't, I'll just keep it."

me: "Okay. I'll let you know."

Evening Conversation

Lily: "So, um, what are we doing?"

Miss Provo: "We're going out to dinner."

Lily: [says nothing.]

Miss Provo: "Do you know *why* we're going out to dinner?"

Sam: "I know, I know. Because of Mommy's thing."

me: "That's *DR.* Mommy, remember?"

Sam: [grunt and/or breathed laugh. hard to specify.]

Lily: "So, when are you going to get your doctor outfit?"

me: "Huh, what?"

Lily: "You know. Like a coat or something?"

Miss Provo: "I think you're talking about medical doctors. Your Mom is a philosophy doctor." [insert long discussion about the various titling methods for advanced degrees.]

[awkward pause.]

Lily: "So, uh, what are we doing again?"

Evening Conversation

Lily: "Eating boogers is really gross."

Sam: "What's really gross?"

Lily: "Eating boogers."

Sam: "But, Lily, I eat my boogers all the *time.*"

Lily: [pause] "Gross."

Sam and Lily's Perspective on Quality Health Care:

[we're waiting for the doctor]

Sam: "I have to go to the bathroom."

Lily: "I have to go to the bathroom, too."

me: "I think there's only one bathroom."

Lily: "Wait a second, I'll ask." [muttering in the hallway] "Come on, Sam!"

[they disappear]

[time passes]

[they come back]

Sam: "Wow. That was just really amazing."

Lily: "I know! TWO BATHROOMS! One over here and the other over there!"

Sam: "And Dr. Katie knew where they were! She showed us!"

Lily: [awed] "She is so smart."

Sam: [adoring gaze toward the hallway] "That's why she's a doctor."

Humor: 5 year old variety versus 3 year old variety

me: "Sam, did you wash your hands?"

Sam: "Yes."

me: "With Soap?"

Sam: "Here's what I did, Mommy. I washed my hands with soap for thirty seconds."

me: "Ok."

Sam: "And you know what I heard? I heard the germs calling for their mommies."

me: [Laugh]

Sam: [Laughs]

Lily: [wanting to have us laugh at her, too.] "I washed my hands, too, Mommy."

me: "Awesome."

Lily: "And when *I* washed my hands, the germs turned to... BUTTS."

me: [Laugh, again. Hey, butts are always funny.]

How to determine when it's time to stop showing the kids Parkour videos and to start cleaning your house:

Just overheard...

CRASH!

tumble...tumble...tumbleCRASH!!

[pause]

Sam: "Oh, wow, Lily. You are so strong."

[pause]

Sam: "... and so busted..."

So, um, I guess we should move to LA?

Sam: "Mommy, I am almost six and I haven't been on TV yet."

Me: "Actually, honey, you have. You just don't remember."

Sam: "I don't just want to be on On-Demand. I want to be on the *good* shows."

Me: "Like?"

Sam: "Ugh. You know. The kind of shows I like."

Me: "Okay."

Sam: "So, what are you going to do about it?"

Me: "Honey, you don't want to be on TV. People on TV go crazy."

Sam: "But they're on TV."

Me: "Well, we don't live in LA anyway. And even if we did, you'd need an agent."

Sam: "So, what's stopping us? I know I'd like to move to Hollywood."

Lily: [interrupting] "Ooo. And I'll be a ROCKSTAR. Do you like my shirt? It's a rockstar shirt."

Sam: "I've wanted to be famous my WHOLE LIFE."

Me: "Well, you didn't tell me until you were three, so that's only like two years."

Sam: [ignores me] "You can't just give up on something you've wanted to do your WHOLE LIFE."

Overheard from the pool

Lily: "It's cold! The water is COLD!"

Sam: "It's OK, Lily. I figured out a way to make the water warmer..."

Evening Conversation: Sam gets deep

Sam: "Mommy, there's something I don't understand."

me: "What is it, baby?"

Sam: "Don't call me baby. I'm practically a man, remember?"

me: "Oh, my bad."

Sam: "Okay ... well... Why am I REAL? There's imaginary, and then there's REAL, and I never chose. I just had to be real. Why?"

me: [pause] "No idea, honey."

Sam: "Mommy." [reprimanding tone] "Why do you call me honey? I'm not honey. I'm almost a MAN."

me: "Again, my bad."

Sam: "And you know what's really crazy?"

me: "What?"

Sam: "I can't see my own face! It doesn't make sense! I can see your face, Daddy's face, Lily's face. Everyone's face. But I can't see my own! I can't see my own eyeballs, my own nose, my own mouth. It's not fair!"

me: "I guess it's a good thing we have mirrors."

Sam: "Yeah. So I can make silly faces and see them."

On July 4, my BFF got her kids a bunny.

they named him Obama.Because he's black.

The Oedipus Chronicles: Evening Conversation

Sam: "Hey, Mommy, did you know that when I grow up we're going to get married?"

Steve: "Haha. NO. You can't marry mommy because I already married her."

Sam: [shrugs, not seeing the problem.] "But, Daddy, by the time I'm YOUR age, you'll be so old that you'll be dead."

My favorite part: Even with Steve that old, I'm apparently still young/desirable enough to get married.

Morning Conversation: My Prolix and/or Pleonastic Progeny

Lily: "Mommy!"

Sam: "Incoming!!"

[they jump on me in bed]

me: "Oh, hey, babies."

[they snuggle]

Lily: "Aw. I wub you. You, too, Sam."

Sam: "Look at us. All three of us. We're a nefarious trio."

me: "Nefarious trio?!"

Lily: "YEAH!!"

Sam: "Ooo. Can I have that empty bucket?" [he points to said empty bucket. it's the size of a sippy cup.]

me: "You're holding an empty cup. it's, like, the same thing."

Sam: "Yes, but, the cup isn't nearly as *practical.*"

me: "So now you're practical AND nefarious?"

Sam: "Yes."

me: "Well, I can't argue with that." [I hand him the bucket.]

Why picture book moralizing is (not only annoying but) useless.

Me: "Want me to make you an egg?"

Sam: "An egg?"

Me: "Yeah, an egg."

Sam: [screws up face] "That looks like a white egg."

Me: "It's an egg."

Sam: "Yes, but, I only eat green eggs. Like the book says."

Me: "I think you missed the point of that book."

Sam: "Yes, but, for some reason, the only eggs that taste good to me are green." [Shrug.]


Good thing I'm supermom.

Morning Conversation

Sam: [watching Scooby Doo] "So... Shaggy has a girlfriend. What was her name again?"

Steve: "uh... Mary Jane?"

Sam: "Oh, right. Mary Jane. Mary Jane is *always* telling Shaggy to eat."

Steve: "Yeah?"

Sam: "I guess that's why he likes her."