Do you ever have days where you go, "*&^%$! I shouldn't have taken the red pill!!"

I've had a lot of those lately.

Dear George Bush:

Here's the thing, honey. Daylight savings is not supposed to come in March. It is supposed to come at General Conference time, so that they can remind us over the pulpit over and over to re-set our clocks.

But you went and changed that.

And so, the fact that I show up an hour late, looking around all confused at events that seem to be almost over?

Your fault.

xo

me

The problem with People.com

is that you go there just to get the date a show is starting and you end up READING ALL FRIGGIN 247 comments about Kate G on Dancing with the Stars. And then it's past midnight and you go OMG I'm one of THOSE people. And then it gets worse because you really, really want to leave a comment too and you go OMG I REALLY AM one of THOSE people.

Morning Conversation: I Surrender

[The living room is covered with discarded blankets, various toys, the remnants of someone's clandestine-on-the-carpet-breakfast, and other things that make it vaguely resemble one of those houses on "Hoarders." It has become, quite literally, a war zone.]

me: "Omigoodness, what happened out here?!"

[two kid heads poke up from inside the blanket chest, which is open. they are wearing helmets and grasping onto the edge of the chest like soldiers peeking out of the trenches.]

Sam: "Stay sill Mommy. This is a war."

me: "Um..."

Lily: "And we will defeat you, Mommy."

Sam: "Yup. You're doomed."

me: "Um..."

Lily: "Kids ALWAYS defeat the grownups."

me: "Really?"

Sam: "Yup. We know your weakness."

me: "What is it?"

Sam: "FOOD!!"

me: ?

Lily: "Hey Mommy! [sing songs] "I've got a marshmallow for you..."

Morning Conversation

[just finished eating breakfast. we're all sitting at the table digesting. Lily's speech sorta comes from nowhere.]

Lily: "This isn't my house."

me: ?

Lily: "Beyond the mountains, far away, is *my* house."

me: ?

Lily: "It looks like Salt Lake, where there are alligators. Ew. And waiting for me in the house are puppies. They're not hatched yet, though. They came in eggs and they're waiting for me to get there so that they can break through the shell."

me: "And what does this house look like?"

Lily: "There are lights on the top."

me: "Like Christmas lights?"

Lily: "Mmm hmm. And it's purple and green, purple and pink."

me: "Good colors."

Lily: "And I have brothers and sisters there. Two brothers."

me: "What are they named?"

Lily: [doesn't even pause to think.] "Zeke and Zed."

me: "What about your sisters?"

Lily: "One is named Hawk and the other is named Leelee."

me: "Oh."

Lily: "And my mom, she's Hot."

me: "Naturally."

Lily: "No, that's her name. Hautte Simpson. And my dad he's named Lyse."

me: "Interesting."

Lily: "I have a big family there. Not like this family. This family is little."

me: "Comparatively speaking."

Lily: "I also have two babies. Hawkzeke and Hawkzekezokes. Hawkzeke doesn't have a tongue, but he eats vegetables. And also baby food."

me: "You can buy baby food jars of vegetables."

Lily: "Yes, but I buy all of his food at a special store on the edge of California."

me: "That's a long way to go for baby food."

Steve: "Well, California is beyond the mountains, too. Maybe her house is close."

Lily: [ignores us.] "I suppose you can come visit me. But I don't have a ding-dong. You're going to have to knock."

Afternoon Conversation: On the origin of style

Sam: "Mommy, do you know what 'pizazz' is?"

me: "You mean, like style?"

Sam: "Sort of like that. But listen: I'll tell you what it is."

me: "Okay."

Sam: "Let's say that you've got two things: a stinky shoe and something cooler, like a stick of cheese." [Sam really loves a good cheese.]

me: "Okay."

Sam: "Now, if you take the spirit of the cheese and put it in the shoe, then there you have it."

me: "Pizazz?"

Sam: "Exactly."

Would you pay $65 for this?!

one of my students just sold it on eBay to someone in CA for $65.

next semester I'm going to have to institute some sort of royalty policy on my eBay assignment...

Afternoon Conversation: lunch with my mom

my mom: [gets out of the car] "You have to ask them to seat us because you're cuter than me and they'll give us a better seat."

me: "Oh, geez. Whatever."

my mom: "It's true! I've been fat and I've been skinny and people are nicer when you're skinny."

me: "You've always said that, but I've been fat and skinny and people treat me exactly the same. Even horny middle aged men don't treat me any nicer."

my mom: "Well, that's just because of the way you dress."

me: "What's wrong with the way I dress?"

my mom: "Nothing. But no one will hit on you if you dress like that. You should dress like Miss Provo."

me: "But Miss Provo dresses all slutty!"

my mom: "ExACTLy!"

[pause]

my mom: "See, you dress like you're a mean feminist. It gives off this whole vibe that says, 'Touch me and I'll BREAK YOUR ARM."

me: "What are you TALKING about?!"

my mom: [flinches] "Please don't break my arm."

Morning Conversation: My Prolix and/or Pleonastic Progeny

Lily: "Mommy!"

Sam: "Incoming!!"

[they jump on me in bed]

me: "Oh, hey, babies."

[they snuggle]

Lily: "Aw. I wub you. You, too, Sam."

Sam: "Look at us. All three of us. We're a nefarious trio."

me: "Nefarious trio?!"

Lily: "YEAH!!"

Sam: "Ooo. Can I have that empty bucket?" [he points to said empty bucket. it's the size of a sippy cup.]

me: "You're holding an empty cup. it's, like, the same thing."

Sam: "Yes, but, the cup isn't nearly as *practical.*"

me: "So now you're practical AND nefarious?"

Sam: "Yes."

me: "Well, I can't argue with that." [I hand him the bucket.]

Really?!

Apparently, the drink to which I am thoroughly and sadly addicted will be good for at least 300 more years.

So, uh, does that mean the Diet Coke in my veins will outlive me?! And what does that *mean*?!

Alright, so I'm starting to wonder if there are funny mushrooms growing somewhere I don't know about

Sam: "Did you know that you're my second mommy?"

me: "huh?"

Sam: "I used to have a different mommy, but now I have you."

me: "what happened to your first mommy?!"

Sam: "well, she pretended to die. and they pretended to bury her. but then--on Friday!--her ghost came out and went to the golden parking lot."

me: "the golden parking lot?"

Sam: "Yeah. It's in China. Where they don't speak english. But, see, there's a really, really long staircase to heaven and if your ghost comes out of the ground, you get to wait in the golden parking lot."

me: ?!

Sam: "You're nicer than my first mommy, though."

Answer: Seven

Question: How many pounds did I gain during my week-long stay in Carbatopia? (a.k.a. Grandma's house.)

going to the gym now...

Isn't that kind of like asking, "Can you do this math... but without the numbers?"

got a revision request from a peer-reviewed journal for an article I submitted. the article is a statistical analysis of YA book marketing versus sales. they said they liked it. but could I do it without all the graphs?

Things Beauty Queens Say

Miss Provo: "I saw the 'Stepford Wives' yesterday."

Me: "Oh. Did you like it?"

Miss Provo: "Yeah. But it kept reminding me of you and Steve."

Creepy or not creepy?

Last night, I asked Sam if he wanted to watch a movie.

Sam: "that's a good idea."

me: "okay" [think to myself, maybe the Polar Express?]

Sam: "how about the Polar Express?"

me: "wow, I was just thinking that."

Sam: "I know."

me: "you know? how do you know?"

Sam: "I heard your voice in my head."

me: "you heard my voice in your head?!"

Sam: "yeah." [shrug.] "I hear your voice in my head all the time."

Ever wonder what your students think of you?

One of mine just decided to tell me outright.

"Kerry," he says. "You have a heart of ice."

"Ice?!"

"Yeah. But at least it melts easily."

Sometimes the voices in other people's heads can make you feel a little crazy

So, I'm in the post office when a lady walks in, talking to herself. She has gray hair, tight-fitting red stirrup pants, and a turtleneck with cartoon characters on it; she's not exactly the technology-embracing type, but I give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's talking on a cell phone headset.

Only.

She gets closer and I see no headset. And suddenly, her voice completely changes and she turns to an invisible person. And then it changes back. And then there's a third voice. And then all of the voices are fighting with each other.

And I wonder... could she be having a stroke? Am I a bad person for thinking that she's crazy when all she needs is for me to call 911? But no one but me seems to be paying attention. They don't even seem to notice how angry one of her voices seems to be getting. Maybe I'm the crazy one, I think. Maybe she's talking to the people in line and I just don't notice.

So I do my business, get out of there and walk toward my car. The lady comes out--still talking to herself--and gets behind the wheel of a red sedan, pulling out quickly and speeding away.

A man watches her do this and turns to me, shaking his head and says, "is it just me, or should that woman not be driving."

"Oh, good," I say. "I'm not the only one who noticed."

Question sanity? Check.

So, who was it that decided tapered pants should come back in fashion?!

they weren't cute in the 80's and they're not cute now.

(and someone needs to tell my students this.)

I want to say something snotty like "they have pills for that sort of thing" but honestly, I'm just too distressed to say anything

This is the car we pulled up behind today:

Hidden YA Sexism of the Day!

Been reading a truck load of YA books for my marketing research. One of the books that I identified as having sold more copies than it should have had the following (paraphrased) exchange:


kid-who-asks-dumb-questions-just-to-forward-plot: "Do you really think that the tale of Arthur is true?"

supposed-to-be-wise-old-man-but-is-really-just-a-pompous-a$$: "Well, I don't think *all* of the tales are true. I seriously doubt there was ever a lady of the lake, for example. But Excalibur? I believe in Excalibur."


Um... Because a magical woman is SO much more unlikely than a magical phallic symbol that gives magical power?!

Dude. Just DUDE.