Monday, October 20, 2008

How to lose 80 pounds in 2.5 short years!

People have been telling me I look hot a lot lately. "How much weight have you lost?!" they ask. "80 pounds," I tell them. And then they go, "How did you DO that?!" So I thought I'd tell ya'll.

Step 1: Scream at the anesthesiologist: "I weigh 240 friggin pounds! Whatever you have in that epidural, you're going to need to add more!" This won't help you lose weight, but it will help you feel less pain.

Step 2: Give birth. This is good for an immediate loss of about 15 pounds of baby, amniotic fluid and placenta. New weight: 225.

Step 3: Pee a lot for a week. This is how your body gets rid of 5 pounds worth of extra pregnancy blood volume. New weight: 220.

Step 4: Immediately start a diet.

Step 5: lose nothing.

Step 6: lose a whole lot of nothing.

Step 7: swear a lot.

Step 8: get in a bad car crash, break your back, and stay in bed for a year. This is good for at least 10 pounds of lost muscle mass!

Step 9: start a diet again.

Step 10: lose nothing again.

Step 11: swear a whole lot more.

Step 12: because you're so depressed about being fat, have your doctor put you on Wellbutrin. It has chemical similarities to speed and you'll drop a few pounds. Sure, you'll shake a whole lot and seem manic and won't be able to sleep, but you'll be down to 201!

Step 13: Get stomach flu

Step 14: get it again

Step 15: and again

Step 16: and again

Step 17: get it SIX TIMES in ONE WINTER

Step 18: And then to top it all off? get a parasite. give it to your sister, Miss Provo. she'll name it "Gouda." She'll lose more weight than you do, though, and you'll be jealous and then really disturbed about the implications of your jealousy over the effectiveness of a *parasite.*

Step 19: Start fainting a lot in public. This won't help you lose weight, but it sure will up the drama factor in your life!

Step 20: Because your body hasn't had calories in MONTHS and you're depressed, have your doctor add Prozac to your diet. Haha! Did you know that the combination of Prozac and Wellbutrin is strikingly similar to the chemical structure of Fen-Fen? Start losing, like, a pound a day. Freak everyone out. Faint more. Shake a lot. Think you might be dying. Quit the Prozac.

Step 21: Since it's been more than half a year without steady nutrition, why don't you get a parasite again? (Yeah, that's right. TWICE. In AMERICA.)(And I'm not even kidding about having a parasite. Go read my blog archives!)

Step 22: Have your pancreas go insane. Maybe from genes. Maybe from the fact that you've been without food for so long. See, if your pancreas stops producing insulin with any sort of reliability, your blood sugar spikes. Which makes you lose even more weight! Who knew, right?!

And last step of all, when you finally get your blood sugar under control, go on a diet again to keep it under control! Oh, did I mention that diet isn't enough to keep the sugar down? You have to exercise! ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME!

That, my friends, is how you lose 80 pounds in 2.5 short years. I might have gotten the order a little wrong, but it's pretty close, I think.

And is it just me, or is anyone else a little alarmed at how "hot" you look after being, like, *SICK*?! This country is wack.

I do look hot, though. I can't argue with ya'll.


Fiona said...

I got a parasite in Russia. I looked fabulous. Felt like total crap, but I looked hot. I was on my mission so there wasn't much I could do about that except for take photographs to document how hot and untouchable I was. How are you feeling?

Kerry said...

Oh, I'm feeling fine now. The parasite(s) was(were) awhile ago. Thanks for asking, though!

nicole said...

Uh... wow? I guess? I don't feel nearly so fragile for having shingles 4 times in the last 3 years. Unfortunately, shingles doesn't make me look hot. Any idea where I can find a parasite?

It's great to hear you're feeling better now.. so you can have fun with your hotness. In your shade shirts.

Kerry said...

heh. yeah, wow I guess is a good response. that's why I didn't post the saga about losing weight before now. it's kinda crazy/psychotic! (and I like all craziness on my blog to be *funny* craziness.)

so many well-meaning people have been mentioning my hotness lately, though, that I thought it would be just a little funny to post the dramatic saga... Because nothing zaps the fun out of being hot like getting hot via parasite, right? heh.

we'll see how long it takes my mom to tell me to take it down! ;-)

Kerry said...

oh, and where to find a parasite? apparently, it's super easy when your kids think it's funny to eat poop. babies can be sooooo gross!

Reluctant Nomad said...

So what you're saying is that I need to get me some parasites. CHECK. ;)

Anonymous said...

You should patent that diet!!

Anonymous said...

I miss that parasite (isn't that sick and twisted), don't worry I have a new one now, His name is Michael Jackson, except he has an opposite effect than Gouda. I didn't have a BM in like a week on the new diet he put me on. So I blew it and ate 10 pumpkin cookies! and it fixed that problem. Now I have to explain myself when he's taking my measurements tomorrow, oh boy! I get another lecture from MJ!

Trisha said...

Okay, I haven't seen your "hot" self yet, since I never see you. Post a pic! Your story is inspiring, we should all get parasites.