People have been telling me I look hot a lot lately. "How much weight have you lost?!" they ask. "80 pounds," I tell them. And then they go, "How did you DO that?!" So I thought I'd tell ya'll.
Step 1: Scream at the anesthesiologist: "I weigh 240 friggin pounds! Whatever you have in that epidural, you're going to need to add more!" This won't help you lose weight, but it will help you feel less pain.
Step 2: Give birth. This is good for an immediate loss of about 15 pounds of baby, amniotic fluid and placenta. New weight: 225.
Step 3: Pee a lot for a week. This is how your body gets rid of 5 pounds worth of extra pregnancy blood volume. New weight: 220.
Step 4: Immediately start a diet.
Step 5: lose nothing.
Step 6: lose a whole lot of nothing.
Step 7: swear a lot.
Step 8: get in a bad car crash, break your back, and stay in bed for a year. This is good for at least 10 pounds of lost muscle mass!
Step 9: start a diet again.
Step 10: lose nothing again.
Step 11: swear a whole lot more.
Step 12: because you're so depressed about being fat, have your doctor put you on Wellbutrin. It has chemical similarities to speed and you'll drop a few pounds. Sure, you'll shake a whole lot and seem manic and won't be able to sleep, but you'll be down to 201!
Step 13: Get stomach flu
Step 14: get it again
Step 15: and again
Step 16: and again
Step 17: get it SIX TIMES in ONE WINTER
Step 18: And then to top it all off? get a parasite. give it to your sister, Miss Provo. she'll name it "Gouda." She'll lose more weight than you do, though, and you'll be jealous and then really disturbed about the implications of your jealousy over the effectiveness of a *parasite.*
Step 19: Start fainting a lot in public. This won't help you lose weight, but it sure will up the drama factor in your life!
Step 20: Because your body hasn't had calories in MONTHS and you're depressed, have your doctor add Prozac to your diet. Haha! Did you know that the combination of Prozac and Wellbutrin is strikingly similar to the chemical structure of Fen-Fen? Start losing, like, a pound a day. Freak everyone out. Faint more. Shake a lot. Think you might be dying. Quit the Prozac.
Step 21: Since it's been more than half a year without steady nutrition, why don't you get a parasite again? (Yeah, that's right. TWICE. In AMERICA.)(And I'm not even kidding about having a parasite. Go read my blog archives!)
Step 22: Have your pancreas go insane. Maybe from genes. Maybe from the fact that you've been without food for so long. See, if your pancreas stops producing insulin with any sort of reliability, your blood sugar spikes. Which makes you lose even more weight! Who knew, right?!
And last step of all, when you finally get your blood sugar under control, go on a diet again to keep it under control! Oh, did I mention that diet isn't enough to keep the sugar down? You have to exercise! ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME!
That, my friends, is how you lose 80 pounds in 2.5 short years. I might have gotten the order a little wrong, but it's pretty close, I think.
And is it just me, or is anyone else a little alarmed at how "hot" you look after being, like, *SICK*?! This country is wack.
I do look hot, though. I can't argue with ya'll.
Reviewing the Mail: Week of 12/9
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