People! End of the World Party at my house on May 21st! (if we survive...)

I saw a big RV drive by today with lots of pronouncements about the end of the world and how it's in a few days.

Awesome.

this was the best picture I could get (I was at a stoplight):

The Walgreens Has So Much Awesomeness!

I'm just overwhelmed with the awesome.

A surprisingly effective commentary on the dangers of unneccessary censorship

To everyone I emailed last night after 11--the semi-coherent and rambling messes of verbiage complete with reference to fairy-bugs & "computer-flies"

I'm sorry. I have no memory of it. (Like, absolutely NONE.) In the future, I'll keep my computer in another room so I can't reach from my bed and start typing after I've gone to bed.

Miss Provo gasps: "I feel so USED!"

Did you know that sometimes when you fill out those squiggly security words, you're secretly helping to transcribe all of the published documents in history?

makes you wonder what else you're doing you didn't know about...

I'm just going to post this picture and then not say anything.

How to lose 80 pounds in 2.5 short years!

People have been telling me I look hot a lot lately. "How much weight have you lost?!" they ask. "80 pounds," I tell them. And then they go, "How did you DO that?!" So I thought I'd tell ya'll.

Step 1: Scream at the anesthesiologist: "I weigh 240 friggin pounds! Whatever you have in that epidural, you're going to need to add more!" This won't help you lose weight, but it will help you feel less pain.

Step 2: Give birth. This is good for an immediate loss of about 15 pounds of baby, amniotic fluid and placenta. New weight: 225.

Step 3: Pee a lot for a week. This is how your body gets rid of 5 pounds worth of extra pregnancy blood volume. New weight: 220.

Step 4: Immediately start a diet.

Step 5: lose nothing.

Step 6: lose a whole lot of nothing.

Step 7: swear a lot.

Step 8: get in a bad car crash, break your back, and stay in bed for a year. This is good for at least 10 pounds of lost muscle mass!

Step 9: start a diet again.

Step 10: lose nothing again.

Step 11: swear a whole lot more.

Step 12: because you're so depressed about being fat, have your doctor put you on Wellbutrin. It has chemical similarities to speed and you'll drop a few pounds. Sure, you'll shake a whole lot and seem manic and won't be able to sleep, but you'll be down to 201!

Step 13: Get stomach flu

Step 14: get it again

Step 15: and again

Step 16: and again

Step 17: get it SIX TIMES in ONE WINTER

Step 18: And then to top it all off? get a parasite. give it to your sister, Miss Provo. she'll name it "Gouda." She'll lose more weight than you do, though, and you'll be jealous and then really disturbed about the implications of your jealousy over the effectiveness of a *parasite.*

Step 19: Start fainting a lot in public. This won't help you lose weight, but it sure will up the drama factor in your life!

Step 20: Because your body hasn't had calories in MONTHS and you're depressed, have your doctor add Prozac to your diet. Haha! Did you know that the combination of Prozac and Wellbutrin is strikingly similar to the chemical structure of Fen-Fen? Start losing, like, a pound a day. Freak everyone out. Faint more. Shake a lot. Think you might be dying. Quit the Prozac.

Step 21: Since it's been more than half a year without steady nutrition, why don't you get a parasite again? (Yeah, that's right. TWICE. In AMERICA.)(And I'm not even kidding about having a parasite. Go read my blog archives!)

Step 22: Have your pancreas go insane. Maybe from genes. Maybe from the fact that you've been without food for so long. See, if your pancreas stops producing insulin with any sort of reliability, your blood sugar spikes. Which makes you lose even more weight! Who knew, right?!

And last step of all, when you finally get your blood sugar under control, go on a diet again to keep it under control! Oh, did I mention that diet isn't enough to keep the sugar down? You have to exercise! ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME!

That, my friends, is how you lose 80 pounds in 2.5 short years. I might have gotten the order a little wrong, but it's pretty close, I think.

And is it just me, or is anyone else a little alarmed at how "hot" you look after being, like, *SICK*?! This country is wack.

I do look hot, though. I can't argue with ya'll.

Prayer Rock Part Three

When cleaning up this morning, I found the following little poem that, I assume, was given to Sam with his prayer rock:


to translate becuz the image is fuzzy:

I'm your little prayer rock and this is what I'll do
Just put me on your pillow till the day is through
Then turn back the covers and climb into your bed
and WHACK... your little prayer rock with hit you on your head.
Then you will remember as the day is through
To kneel and say your prayers as you wanted to,
Then when you are finished just dump me on the floor,
I'll stay there through the night-time to give you help once more.
When you get up the next morning CLUNK... I stub your toe
So you will remember your prayers before you go.
Put me back upon your pillow when your bed is made,
And your clever little prayer rock will continue in your aid.
Because your heavenly Father cares and loves you so,
He wants you to remember to talk to him... you know.

Here's what I have to say:

1) Creep. E.
2) Sam's version was actually amazingly close.
3) Is anyone else disturbed by how the poem is both violent and singsongy all at once?
4) And why does God sound so mean? Almost gleeful to punish you when you forget to pray?
5) And don't get me started on the rhyme scheme.

I think I actually had a prayer rock as a little kid. I don't remember having the creepy poem to go with it, though. Fascinating.

My cousin--a 911 dispatcher--just posted this amazing story

http://stevenanddania.blogspot.com/2008/08/one-of-good-ones.html

Quiz Time!

Which saves more gas: trading in a 16-mile-a-gallon gas guzzler for a slightly more efficient car that gets 20 mpg? Or going from a gas-sipping sedan of 34-mpg to a hybrid that gets 50 mpg?


(find the answer (and the original question above that I just copied and pasted)here.)

Are there any Statisticians who read this blog and can friggin explain this to me?!

I've been sitting in on a Stats 221 class. Most of it is just new terminology for stuff I already knew. But today's lecture blew my mind a bit.

It has to do with probability. We played the game that you can find on this website.

I think I sort of understand. But when I tried to explain the reasons that I thought I understood to the professor, he said I was "prettymuch *mostly* right." But not *totally* right?! And he never really bothered to explain the real reason.

So if you can explain this to me, I will send you a virtual kiss.

Ow. My brain hurts.

All I did was carve a clay form, get a blowtorch, and melt down a hunk of gold into the predetermined lines of the form. It's not like it was *hard.*

My bff friggin *made* this for me.



I'm in awe.