And I *do* have a parasite.
Me: "Seriously? A parasite? This is America."
Doctor: "Well, dear, when you live with people who think it's funny to eat their own poop, this kind of thing is bound to happen."
Me: "But this is America."
Doctor: "I know. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to call the Health Department." [shrug] "Mandatory reporting and all."