This is what happens when you leave two six year olds in charge of the snack menu:

They call it, "The Fiesta of Food."

Sam and Lily's Recipe of the Day

Pop Tart Sandwiches:

1. Two pop tarts
2. Three pieces of bread

Toast the pop tarts. Put a piece of bread between them and a piece of bread on the outside of each of them. Eat in the bathroom.

Evening Conversation

[Sam has taken his sock off and decided that it might be fun to lick his bare foot.]

me: "Sam, that is disgusting. Get your foot out of your mouth."

Sam: [laughs and sticks a toe in his mouth.]

me: "Sam. Seriously. That is disgusting. Get your foot out of your mouth."

Sam: [laughs harder and sticks toe farther in his mouth.]

me: [raise my voice.] "SAM! I've told you TWICE. Get. your. foot. out. of. your. mouth. It's disgusting and will make you sick!"

Sam: [sighs loudly][finally takes his foot out of his mouth.] "Seriously, Mom. I think you need a doctor."

me: "For what?!"

Sam: "For your anger issues."

Just because some of you might not realize just how far Lily has come...

Here is a reminder.

And another.

and another

and another

Oh, and this one is classic.

Evening Conversation: Body Fluids Edition

me: [using the restroom]

Lily: Mama! [babies apparently think toilet time is perfect for chatting. hence: you never get to go to the restroom alone.]

me: Baby!

Lily: [sympathetic frown and nod] You go poo-poo in your pants?

me: No, I made it to the toilet. But thanks for asking.

Lily: [sympathetic frown turns to philosophical frown] Poo-poo is yucky.

me: I'm glad you're finally realizing this.

Lily: Yeah. Poo-poo is yucky. Don't eat it!

me: Congratulations on learning your first major life lesson.

Lily: [laughs and walks away] Don't go poo-poo in your pants, Mommy!

Someone tell me

1) Why do babies think that the water in Mommy's water bottle tastes SO MUCH BETTER than any other kind of water?

2) And why, when they take turns drinking said delicious water, can they not do so without depositing copious quantities of baby saliva and tiny particles of breakfast?

Someone tell me...

If Lily is the one rubbing poop into her eyes, why am I the one who wakes up with the infection?!

Just overheard...

Steve: "Lily, NO! Don't touch your eyes!!"

Lily: "NO DADDY!"

Steve: "Lily, listen to Daddy the FIRST TIME!"

Lily: "ARRRRR!"

Steve: "LILY!! I SAID DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES!! WE HAVE TO WASH THE POOP OFF FIRST!"

Lily: "ARRRR! Daddy, you're being MEAN!"

heh.

Evening Conversation: Body Fluids Edition

Lily: "I have poop."

Me: "Oh."

Lily: "I want you to change it."

Me: "Okay."

[we walk toward diaper changing area.]

Lily: "It's ouchy poop."

Me: "The technical term is diarrhea. This diarrhea happens to be green in hue and has a chunky consistency."

Lily: "IT'S OUCHY POOP!" [reaches to scratch bum.]

Me: "Don't touch the poop!!"

Lily: [angry stare]"IT'S OUCHY POOP!" [reaches out with other hand to touch the poop.]

Me: [yelling] "Why can't you just listen to me the FIRST time I tell you something! I'm not just being mean! Now you have FECAL MATTER all over your HANDS!!"

Lily: [starts to cry.][immediately starts rubbing eyes with poopy hands.]

Me: [yelling louder] "DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES!!"

Lily: [angry glare] "NO!" [rubs eyes again.]

Me: [freaking out] "YOU'RE GETTING POOP IN YOUR EYES!!!"

Lily: [angry glare][rubs eyes while looking right at me]

Me: "Lily! OBEY MOMMY! She is not a meanie! She cares about your EYES!"

Lily: [angry glare] "I want Daddy."

Me: [finally get the poopy diaper out of the way so I can run her to the sink where much washing ensues.]

Lily: "You're mean. Daddy's not mean."

Things that are Disgusting

The eye infection my baby gave me.

Someday when I run into the room breathless and late, I will not have to use the excuse, "I am SO sorry. My baby pooped in the bathtub. AGAIN."

but not today.

The labs came back

And I *do* have a parasite.

Me: "Seriously? A parasite? This is America."

Doctor: "Well, dear, when you live with people who think it's funny to eat their own poop, this kind of thing is bound to happen."

Me: "But this is America."

Doctor: "I know. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to call the Health Department." [shrug] "Mandatory reporting and all."

Body fluid meltdown

was just reduced to a sobbing heap of psycho on the couch.

cause: unable to remove his spiderman costume in time, Sam had diarrhea all over the floor. As he was sobbing cause it was stinging him and I was rushing to get him into the bathtub before the acid burns made it through his skin, Lily ran in and started ice skating through it. Flies started swarming around. And then Lily started running. Through the entire house. Brown liquid footprints covering every surface as she sprinted. If I'd had about seven arms I might have been able to staunch the damage.

but I didn't. so I couldn't.

hence the sobbing heap of psycho on the couch.

In case you needed any more evidence that Lily is disgusting

Here's some more!

I couldn't find her a little bit ago, so I was going from room to room to room, yelling her name.

Then I got to the laundry room and heard this little cackle every time I said, "Lily?"

She was hiding from me. *Underneath* that huge, disgusting pile of dirty laundry. (Remember that body fluids list from yesterday? Yeah. All of that ended up in the laundry pile.)

I tried to pry her away, but she just kept running back and diving into the pile like it was one of those ball pits at McDonalds.

This is the face she made when I wouldn't let her be vile:

Just woke up to two vomitting babies

Best way to get you to not feel sleepy ever!

Stuff I found while cleaning my house

1) a rotten banana (at least not in the closet like the last two times)
2) approximately 5 dirty diapers, though only one of these was poopy. They were found under beds, on top of beds, under dressers and in the bathroom
3) one pair of poopy superman underpants
4) one sheet with vomit on it
5) one puddle of pee in the kitchen
6) one nickel-sized hunk of mold coming out of a bottle
7) four bottles with rotten milk inside
8) seven bags full of trash
9) a bottle of A-1 steak sauce (in my bedroom)(I can't explain this)

And did I mention that just *two* days ago my house was SPOTLESS?!

The purpose of this post is to make my mom uncomfortable by literally showing my dirty laundry to the world!

This is two days worth.

It turns out, the factor by which the amount of laundry increases per person you add to your family is an exponential one.

Body Fluids Update!

Cause I know y'all LOVE when I talk about body fluids . . .

It's still long before noon and Steve and I have already dealt with:

vomit (in Lily's hair and on her sheets)
poop
pee
more poop
more pee
saliva (all over my computer and arms and face when Sam sneezed all over me)
and, even though it's not actually a body fluid, three bottles of rotted milk-turned-cheese.

Isn't parenthood great?

More evidence that Lily is DISGUSTING

She felt like eating a snack today. So she did. Right out of the garbage can. It had mold on it.

Same thing happened last night. She plucked a rotting, moldy tomato out of the sink. And bit off a chunk.

Plus she's still eating dirt.

BLECH!

I take back what I said about Lily not being smart

She *is* smart. She's just DISGUSTING!



What changed my mind? Well, we got a toilet lock for the toilet. I thought the toilet water was safe. Alas. Not only did she defeat the toilet lock on her very first try, she pushed open both toilet lids (she didn't used to be able to do that) and then got herself a STRAW and drank out of the toilet WITH THE STRAW.



She is the grossest kid that I know!



Here's a picture of her eating mud. It's not as gross as what she was eating the other day out of the toilet, but the visual may help your imagination with that.