5yo Brand Awareness: Mass Media Style

Sam: "Hey, Mommy, I'm watching this great show."

me: "Which one?"

Sam: "Something with dinosaurs."

me: "Oh. Is it good?"

Sam: "It is definitely not evil."

me: [laugh]

Sam: "You can tell because it's on PBS Kids."

me: "So PBS isn't evil?"

Sam: "PBS *Kids* isn't evil."

Steve: [perks up][he's a marketer. for TV stuff.][not coincidentally, he used to work for PBS.] "So what about the other networks? What about Nickelodeon?"

Sam: "Evil."

Steve: "Disney?"

Sam: "Sometimes evil. Sometimes not. Disney movies are definitely evil."

Steve: "Cartoon Network?

Sam: "Can be evil."

Steve: "But PBS is never evil?"

Sam: "PBS *Kids.*"

Steve: "PBS Kids is never evil?"

Sam: "Well," [points to a promo that has just begun] "these things are sometimes evil. But PBS Kids is usually good."

Conversation in the Car

Sam: "Hey, Lily, look at my amazing muscles." [flexes]

Lily: "Oh, wow. That is so hot."

Steve: [snorts] "Did she just say, 'that is so hot?'"

me: "Yes. We can call her Paris from now on."

Sam: "So, Lily, if you think my muscles are so awesome, why don't you marry them?"

Lily: "Because... Ew."

Sam: [flexes]

me: "You guys are adorable, BTW."

Sam: "Oh, good. That means we're off your list."

Morning Conversation: Channeling Trinny and Suzanna

Lily: "Mommy, I need to talk to you."

Me: "What do you need to talk to me about?"

Lily: "Your boobs."

Me: "My boobs?"

Lily: "They're falling."

Me: "Um..."

Lily: "Why are they falling?"

Me: "Um... because I had babies?"

Lily: "When I grow up, will my boobs fall, too?"

Me: "Probably."

Lily: [Despair-laden-sigh][Then reaches over and grabs one of my boobs] "We just need to figure out how to make.them.stay.UP!!"

Me: "Maybe a better bra?"

Lily: "SOMEthing."

My nephew Ben says, "The U? Really? You're a Ute fan?"

The other day Lily came home from Rumbi proudly accompanied by a huge pink milkshake/slushee thingy

Lily: "Here Mommy, this is to make you feel better."

Me: "Because I've been so stressed? Aw. Thank you."

Lily: "No, no. Because of your chin."

Me: "My chin?"

Lily: "Yes, this will help you feel better about your chin."

Me: "Is there something wrong with my chin?"

Lily: "Yes." [sympathetic nod followed by eyebrow crinkling.] "You know."

Then she pointed to a spot on my chin. Low and behold: a zit. I hadn't even really noticed it.

But Lily had. (And was apparently quite disturbed by it, too.)

Sam always sleeps with his sword.

in case of, you know, aliens.

Evening Conversation: Body Fluids Edition

me: [using the restroom]

Lily: Mama! [babies apparently think toilet time is perfect for chatting. hence: you never get to go to the restroom alone.]

me: Baby!

Lily: [sympathetic frown and nod] You go poo-poo in your pants?

me: No, I made it to the toilet. But thanks for asking.

Lily: [sympathetic frown turns to philosophical frown] Poo-poo is yucky.

me: I'm glad you're finally realizing this.

Lily: Yeah. Poo-poo is yucky. Don't eat it!

me: Congratulations on learning your first major life lesson.

Lily: [laughs and walks away] Don't go poo-poo in your pants, Mommy!

Morning Conversation

Sam: "Mommy, did you know that I'm white?"

me: "Oh. You are?"

Sam: "Do you know what being white means?"

me: "What does it mean?"

Sam: "It means that when you eat really fast you don't throw up. But if you eat slow, you DO throw up. You also just throw up a lot for no reason."

me: "Really? that's what it means to be white?"

Sam: "I think there's something about skin, too. But mostly it's the throwing up thing."

me: "Oh, okay."

Just overheard...

Steve: "Lily, NO! Don't touch your eyes!!"

Lily: "NO DADDY!"

Steve: "Lily, listen to Daddy the FIRST TIME!"

Lily: "ARRRRR!"

Steve: "LILY!! I SAID DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES!! WE HAVE TO WASH THE POOP OFF FIRST!"

Lily: "ARRRR! Daddy, you're being MEAN!"

heh.

Signs that your marketing department has missed their target audience:

Sam: "Mommy, Mommy! Can we call Nationwide?"

Me: "Na-who?"

Sam: "Nationwide."

Me: "Nationwide?"

Sam: "Yeah. The number is 1-877."

Me: "Why do you want to call Nationwide?"

Sam: [shrug] "For a policy."

Me: [starting to laugh] "An insurance policy?"

Sam: "They say you can get $500. And I'd like to get $500."

Me: "Steve, you gotta come hear this!"

Sam: "Also, a very nice car."

Me: [laughing totally hard.]

Sam: "Can I have your phone?"

Me: "You're going to try to call Nationwide, aren't you."

Sam: [looks askance] "Yeah..."

Morning Conversation

Lily: "Mommy, I want to go to JESUS LAND!"

me: "Jesus land?"

Lily: "YES! JESUS LAND!!"

me: "Okay..."

Lily: "There's a PUPPY at Jesus Land!"

me: "Like the puppy at Disneyland?"

Lily: "Yes. I'd like to take Pappa and Gramma and Kathy."

me: "Aunt Kathy?"

Lily: "I talked to her on the phone!"

Steve: "Actually, I keep catching her stealing your phone and she always tells me that she's talking to Kathy."

me: "Oh."

Lily: "JESUS LAND!!!!!"

The Oedipus Chronicles: Morning Conversation

Sam: "Oh, Mommy, you are so hot."

Daddy Steve: [snort] "You shouldn't say that Mommy is hot."

Sam: "But she IS hot."

Daddy Steve: [uncomfortable laugh] "That might be true, but only daddies should tell mommies that they're hot."

Sam: [whispering to me] "You ARE hot, though, Mommy. Especially your arm. Your arm is SO HOT."

Daddy Steve: "Why don't you just tell Mommy that she's beautiful?"

Sam: [sigh] "But she's *hot.*"

If four year olds understood irony, life would not be nearly as hilarious

post-operative Sam has been throwing a lot of tantrums. (especially when he's due for his opioid-based pain medicine...)

this afternoon:

Sam: [incomprehensible babble] "you are NOT the boss of this house! I am IN CHARGE of everything!" [pokes at me angrily with his finger]

me: [laughter] "heh. you're hilarious."

Sam: [incomprehensible babble] "NOT HILARIOUS. the BOOSSSSSS!!!" [more angry poking]

me: [more laughter]

Sam: [angry incomprehensible babble][poking becomes painful]

me: "this is getting boring."

Sam: "THE BOSS!@!@!"

me: "do you need more Lortab?"

Sam: "No! I need ANGRY!!!"

me: "alrighty. if you don't need more pain medicine, I'm going to put you in your room. you're making my head start to hurt." [I guide him into his room and shut his lock-less door.]

Sam: "you have to let me out of here because I AM IN CHARGE OF THIS HOUSE!!!!"

uh... obviously.

Morning Conversation

Steve: "Hey, Lily, who's this?" [points to Lily]

Lily: "'s me!"

Steve: "Who's watching TV?"

Lily: "Sam!"

Steve: "Who's this?" [points to me]

Lily: "Mommy!"

Steve: "Who's this?" [points to himself]

Lily: [furrowed brow, lowered voice] "Angry in the house."

Prayer Rock Update

This morning Sam woke up, found the prayer rock at the bottom of his bed and said, "Mommy! The rock didn't cut my foot up like it was supposed to!"

me: "but did you remember to pray?"

[confused look] Sam: "I guess I did now."

me: "you didn't want the rock to cut you up anyway."

Sam: "no, I didn't."

Things you learn in Sunbeams

Sam rushed over to me after church today. "Mommy, Mommy! Look at this!" He held up a rock half the size of his head.

"Wow!" I said. "that's a big rock!"

Sam said, "Do you know what you do with this?"

"No. What do you do?"

"Well, you hit yourself on the head with it. And then, after your head splits open, you throw it at your feet. And then, it lands on your toe and you scream and your toe gets all bruised. Then you throw it on the floor. Then you PRAY!"

Lily refuses to be grammatically objectified

One of Lily's favorite thing so do is to look at pictures of herself. So, we were looking at my blog and she was pointing out all of the pictures of herself. When we came to this picture:



I asked her, "Oh, Lily! WHO is Mommy holding?"

She looked at me like, WTH?

So I corrected myself, "I mean, who is LILY holding?"

*That* she accepted.

Sam was supposed to memorize the August Primary Theme and then lead the kids in reciting it at church

And he did really great. Seriously. And, apparently, he is the only kid in the history of primary to actually memorize it. (Does this say something about his intelligence? or does it say something about the water in my neighborhood? you decide.)

Only...

the theme was: "I will show my faith in Jesus Christ by being baptized and confirmed."

and Sam's version was: "I will show my faith in Jesus Christ by being baptized and *confused.*"

duoh.

Evening Conversation

Husband: "Oh, Wow, Sam. Looks like a great drawing."

Sam: "It's not a drawing. It's a warning."

Husband: "Really? What does it say?"

Sam: "It says, 'beware the moon. the full moon is the sacrifice moon.'"

Sam has come up with the solution to overpopulation

Sam has five aunties. (Kate, Miss Provo, Michelle, Barb, and Cat.) Only one of these aunties has any kids of her own and Sam, frankly, likes the auntieriffic attention. Today Sam and I were discussing the fact that someday his aunties might actually want to have babies of their own, like Auntie Kate.

Says Sam: "But Mommy, can't you tell them?" [he looked distressed AND sincere as he said this] "They don't need to have their *own* babies."

Me: "Why not?"

Sam: "Because, Mommy. Instead of them having their own babies, we can just give them *Lily.*"