Last night this not-so-little fellow ran across Steve's chest

There was only a little screaming.

Copious Google searching leads us to believe that he's a "Wolf Spider." He certainly is wolfish.

Turns out he was living in the window air conditioning unit we just brought in from the garage. Note to self: next time, do not ignore the spider webs you saw on the filter. Where there are webs, there might be wolves.

Morning Discovery: The Power of Johnny Test (and also, a little burgeoning chauvinism)

me: [stumble into the living room after waking up bleary eyed. try to sit down on the couch. step in something. something wet. look down. see this:]

me: "OMG, did I just step in pee?"

Sam: "Yup."

me: "OMG, WHY DID I JUST STEP IN PEE?"

Sam: [shrugs] "Lily."

me: "OMG, why is Lily peeing on the carpet."

Sam: "Well, we were watching Johnny Test and Lily didn't want to leave to go to the bathroom. So she got out her little toilet. But there was a problem."

me: "And the pee spilled all over the carpet?!"

Sam: "Yup."

me: "OMG, gross, gross, gross, gross!" [get up and go get the stuff to clean it up. start cleaning.]

Sam: [watching me scrub the carpet] "You know what, Mom? This. Right now. You are doing the hardest job a woman could ever do."

me: "What about a man?"

Sam: "Naw. A man could take it."

Note to self:

the next time you try to brush your teeth after you've taken your ambien, you may want to make sure that the toothpaste you're using is really toothpaste. and not, yanno. diaper cream. in the dark the tubes look rather similar. and in the ambihaze, you might not notice the different consistency (or smell) until it is tooooooo late. and you don't want that to happen, right?

hugs,

me

I haven't had anything to eat all day except for cake

Cake for breakfast, cake for lunch, cake for snack and more cake for un-snack.

plus some diet coke.

That can't be healthy... Can it?

Evening Conversation: Body Fluids Edition

Lily: "I have poop."

Me: "Oh."

Lily: "I want you to change it."

Me: "Okay."

[we walk toward diaper changing area.]

Lily: "It's ouchy poop."

Me: "The technical term is diarrhea. This diarrhea happens to be green in hue and has a chunky consistency."

Lily: "IT'S OUCHY POOP!" [reaches to scratch bum.]

Me: "Don't touch the poop!!"

Lily: [angry stare]"IT'S OUCHY POOP!" [reaches out with other hand to touch the poop.]

Me: [yelling] "Why can't you just listen to me the FIRST time I tell you something! I'm not just being mean! Now you have FECAL MATTER all over your HANDS!!"

Lily: [starts to cry.][immediately starts rubbing eyes with poopy hands.]

Me: [yelling louder] "DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES!!"

Lily: [angry glare] "NO!" [rubs eyes again.]

Me: [freaking out] "YOU'RE GETTING POOP IN YOUR EYES!!!"

Lily: [angry glare][rubs eyes while looking right at me]

Me: "Lily! OBEY MOMMY! She is not a meanie! She cares about your EYES!"

Lily: [angry glare] "I want Daddy."

Me: [finally get the poopy diaper out of the way so I can run her to the sink where much washing ensues.]

Lily: "You're mean. Daddy's not mean."

It's like the gift that keeps getting more repulsive!

This morning when I woke up my eye was so crusted with gook that I had to get a cloth to wipe it down before I could pry my lid open to put in the antibiotic drops. Anyone know how long those things are supposed to take to work?

It is 3:38 PM and I haven't had a chance to shower yet

Binge of the Century

Yesterday I ate:

Two of these:


Four pieces of this:


With lots of this:


Two of these:


Three of these:


Two more of these:


with more of this:


one of these:


I tried to eat some of this, but SOMEONE ate the last piece. (you know who you are):


So, instead, I had to steal someone's leftover this:


This is where you'll find me today:

It's official people. The worst air in the entire United States is right here inside my lungs.

It's worse than the air in LA during rush hour.
It's worse than the air below the most polluting coal-fired powerplant.
It's worse than the air next to Sam's bum when he toots (and he's been doing this a lot lately because he has discovered potty humor and can't stop the hilarity)

The newspeople warned us that it might cause burning eyes, scratching thoats, coughing and that you should keep your children inside and not go jogging.

Hehe. I love how they assume that I'm going to be *jogging.* As if.

The parasite is back

come swiftly death.

the parasite's, or mine. at this point, I'm kinda ambivalent.