I got a hemorrhoid

And that's all I need to say about that tragic subject.

Turns out they *can* hurt you

I asked my doctor if a fetus could do any real damage. He paused and then said, "Well, yeah." Then he sort of mubmled, like he didn't want to tell us the rest. But he finally said, "They can break ribs, bruise your internal organs, cause internal bleeding . . ."

I said, "Um . . . is there anything you can do?"

He said, "No, not really. But if you think she's broken one of your ribs, let us know."

I told him he was a wicked, wicked, man.

Do crazy fetuses mean bad babies?

I read somewhere that they do. It makes me really depressed because my toddler was a dang hard baby. And this new baby is bruising my guts. She writhes and turns and does flips. She pokes her little butt out so hard and so far that I'm afraid she's going to burst through one of these days. My stomach literally aches. All day. All night. Can a baby kick so hard that you start to bleed internally? This is a question becomming painfully urgent.

Maybe I should have seen it coming. At one of the first ultrasounds my doctor started laughing almost uncontrollably. "I've never seen a baby so young so active," he said. And neither had we. I watched in disturbed awe as she shook her hips and threw her hands over her head like she was doing the Macarena.

One of my friends once was prescribed a half a cup of beer every night to calm down her crazy fetus.

I've never wanted to get drunk so badly in my entire life.

My one year old is two now

I guess I have to change my profile. He's still crazy, though. Right now he's riding his tricycle around the living room while watching "The Incredibles" on his personal DVD player and "Baby Einstein" on the big DVD player. He's also singing to himself. And not a song from either DVD. I don't think he's normal.

When is a hint a hint?

I've had a lunch scheduled with a friend every Thursday for the last five weeks. Every Thursday I show up and she doesn't. She usually then calls with frantic excuses and reschedules. This has happened five times in a row. Is she trying to tell me something? Or is she just a flake? How can you tell?

I know I said I wasn't going to talk about my toilet

but I can't stop myself. I cleaned it the other day. As I was panting, leaning over the thing, getting dizzy because my belly is so huge, and gagging a few times, it occurred to me that I hadn't cleaned the toilet since before I was pregnant. Seven or Eight MONTHS ago. (Toilets make me throw up when I'm pregnant.) You may think that my husband might have cleaned it in that time. But he didn't. He thinks it's 1952 and men don't have to clean toilets. After I finished scraping scum from the floor around the toilet I yelld at him. A lot. He still won't clean the toilet, though. I've already had to clean it again myself.

My stretch marks have stretch marks

I was looking at my belly the other day and noticed that the tips of my faded old stretch marks from last pregnancy are growing bright pink edges.

How sad is that?

Nesting much?

Here's a list of stuff I've done in the last week:

1) filed my taxes early in case I give birth too close to April 15
2) cleaned out my two cars
3) sent my crib out to be re-painted
4) spent $600 at Baby's R Us on diapers, formula, and baby Ibuprofin
5) became obsessed with sconces and spent an hour at Pier 1 agonizing over which sconce should be hung in my living room
6) actually cooked a meal. twice.
7) did 17 loads of laundry
8) moved the baby's dresser across my bedroom
9) arranged the baby's changing table
10) packed two diaper bags full of newborn diapers and wipes.
11) went on a scavenger hunt for nightgowns, which are, apparetnly, gauche these days.
12) flew to CA for said nightgowns. finally found two at the Carter's Outlet in Vacaville, CA.
13) was then slightly mortified when my mother in law showed up with 6 nightgowns that she found right here at TJ Max, SLC
14) set Roomba out three times to vacuum and re-vacuum my carpet
15) cleaned up my baby boy's room
16) started cleaning out the garage
17) couldn't sit still at church because I desperately wanted to finish cleaning out the garage
18) then had an emotional breakdown because when I finally got home from church I was too tired to clean out the garage
19) became obsessed with finding the right pot/plant combination to go over my fireplace
20) designed and then sewed a new bedspread for my bed
21) laid out the fabric to sew matching pillows

And, oh, I could go on.