you know how the internet is supposed to make it easy to be a hypochondriac?

my internet won't let me.

me: "OMG, I have been throwing up for DAYS, I must have cancer."

internet: "No, it's the stomach flu."

me: "appendicitis?"

internet: "stomach flu."

me: "but my tongue has turned BLACK. BLACK!!"

internet: "you've been taking pepto bismol, haven't you."

me: "what?"

internet: "Pepto turns your tongue black."

me: "well explain to me why the lymph nodes in my legs hurt so bad."

internet: "does your back hurt?"

me: "um..."

internet: "it's not your lymph nodes, it's your back. take some advil and go to yoga more often."

me: "I DO GO TO YOGA."

internet: "but you've been so busy this month you haven't gone much, right?"

me: "um..."

internet: "and that's when those 'lymph nodes' started hurting, right?"

me: "um..."

internet: "Y.O.G.A. (and advil.)"

me: "okay, well explain to me why there's this numb spot on my shoulder blade. I must at least have some sort of neuro degeneration?"

internet: "is the spot about an inch long and about two inches from the bottom of your shoulder blade?"

me: "how did you know that?!"

internet: "your bra is too tight. get a new one."

me: "that costs money."

internet: "I can help you get another job, you know. That might be a better use of my time anyway."