That's right, Buddy.

Sam's friend: "I have so many girlfriends. I have, like, twelve girlfriends."

Sam: "But, dude. That is just... wrong."

Sam's friend: "You're right. Maybe it was thirteen girlfriends..."

Sam: "No, no. You're not supposed to have twelve OR thirteen girlfriends. It's just wrong. It's mean. And bad. You're only supposed to have ON... [furtive glance at me as he realizes I'm listening] I mean, ZERO. ZERO girlfriends. None at all. We are WAY too young to even be thinking about having girlfriends."

In which we discover that I am imaginary

Steve: "Your Mommy is a doctor, Lily. Did you know that?"

Lily: "Huh? But Mommy, [turns to me] you don't see any patients."

me: "Well, no. I see students."

Lily: "So you're not a real doctor."

me: "No, I am. I'm just a doctor of philosophy, not of medicine."

Lily: "Like I said. You're not a real doctor."

Steve: "Aw. She sounds like a surgeon alREAdy!"

For an adorable iPad storybook

click here.

OMG, people. This is PROGRESS.

I just wrote a full scene. 

I haven't done that since before my surgery.

The surgery that made me stupid. And also not able to do anything.

It's been almost seven months since that *&^%$ surgery. They say the pain from the damaged nerves might go away in one to two years. Maybe never.

Have you tried to be creative when you're in pain?

And not just normal pain. Not even "OMG I broke my back!" pain.

Pain like fingers on a chalkboard times a million. Pain so intense that you didn't know there was pain like that. Pain that tears away your anchor. Rips that sacral foundation out from under you and takes away who you were. Pain that over-stresses your heart and literally almost kills you. My mom knows that kind of pain. So do I now.

But today I wrote a scene. Just a half a page. But a whole scene.

It makes me think that maybe I'll come back out of this. Maybe I won't be gone anymore. Maybe there's a teenie tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't want to get my hopes up or anything.

But, people.

I wrote a scene.

And also she says that I'll miss her little hands when she's a teenager and does crazy things like ride her bike in the snow.

me: "What's this on the wall?" [point to Lily's latest artwork.]

Lily: [Shrugs.] "It's signed 'Sam.'"

me: "I know. But it's in your handwriting."

Lily: [Stares at me in a loaded silence.]

me: "Do you have anything to say?"

Lily: "My handwriting is on the fridge, too." [Pause.] "I could take you to see it." [Pause.] "It's there in the note I wrote you so you could remember what I was like when I was little. Where I put a picture of my hands." [Pause and plaintive look.] "My little, little, hands."

Sam and I, talking over the weather

[wind blows as Sam and I run (well, as well as I can run with my cane) to the car]

me: "OMG, OMG it is so cold!"

Sam: "It's, like, freezing cold."

me: "Like water-turning to ice cold."

Sam: "Like Arctic cold."

me: "Like Penguin cold."

Sam: "Mommy, it is so cold it's almost like we live in Canada."

me: "I know, right?"

Sam: "What do you think it's all [not even a dramatic pause!] aboot?"

Here's my creepy little doll being fashionable. Such a cutie.

Sometimes Having Psychic Children is Super Creepy.

Last night my kids were feeling pretty morbid. 

We were driving home from Auntie Barb's house and they kept obsessing about death and car accidents. Then Lily told me:

"You know what, Mommy?"

"What?" I said.

"I think you're going to get into a car accident tomorrow."

"Honey. That is highly unlikely. And not something you should worry about."

Lily's eyes filled with tears. "But Mommy. You've been in too many car accidents." (True enough.) "When you get in the car accident tomorrow, I think you'll die!"

"Lily. Really. I have no plans on dying. And I'm not getting in a car accident tomorrow."

Then Sam chimed in. "Yeah, Lily. Don't worry. When she gets in the car accident tomorrow, she won't die. She'll just mess up her pretty new car."

Lily started wailing. "But it's a brand new car! It's so pretty!"

Having an un-pretty car is apparently worse than death to Lily. But, yanno. She cares about fashion and stuff.

Well.

I guess you know how this story ends because my children already told you.

I got rear-ended on my way to school this morning. I didn't die (or even get hurt at all I think; I'll wait till tomorrow to tell you for sure).

But my pretty new car is not so pretty any more.

So I guess we should all mourn or something.

When it comes to expressing his anger, Sam really thinks inside the box.

A new semester is about to start! Which means I've got to post my backlog

of things students will do for paper extensions!

Decorate the classroom.

Paint their faces with chocolate.

Wear indecipherable costumes.

Give a hand massage lecture that was not awkward at all.

Have rainbow hair and bag outfit and also dress like Pregnant Harry Potter.

Yes, those are robot pants.

That's me!  Made out of Starburst candy!  I even have my surgery chair and multimedia remote!

See how lifelike?

Her nails say "SWILUA"

This student gave herself a "tantoo" of SWILUA's name.  She used that tanning lotion.  She says she thinks it'll come off in about three days, but I am worried for her.

And a classic.  Kissing the wall.  Aw! So Romantic.

Alright Winter Semester.  Bring it on.

Things students will do for paper extensions:

make me keychains out of their own hair.

I don't even know what to say.

When I was little, we just played with legos.

(the last video gets cut off right as Sam asks, "Are you going to put this on youtube, Mom?" And then a minute later, "Omigosh, Lily. You really hurt me.")

Things students will do for paper extensions:

they write kind notes in SWILUA's name.

and they do kind deeds in her name, too.

Things students will do for paper extensions:

paint me super stunning works of art such as this one entitled, "Abstract Christmas."

Things students will do for paper extensions:

Hug 11 trees.

this one is my favorite:

a strange thing has been happening to me ever since my second night in the hospital right after my skin graft

The first time it happened I didn't even know what it was. It was like... a vibration. In my throat? Where the air was coming from. It was soft, but it woke me up. Immediately, I freaked out and buzzed the nurse. "I think there's something wrong with my airway. What if I stop breathing--I've done that in the hospital before--what if..." When you're in the hospital and code blues are ringing all the time, you can get a little hysterical sometimes.

The nurse calmed me down by putting an oxygen monitor on my finger.

It happened again in the hospital, but I brushed it aside. If I was in danger of death, I was hooked up to the machines that would tell someone. This is a very comforting thing when you're in the hospital and it's all dark and you're all drugged and hysterical.

But then I went home. And... well... it kept happening. Sometimes the vibration would be really strong and sometimes it would even make a sound. Sometimes it would wake me up. Sometimes it wouldn't.

After about two weeks home I started to realize what it probably was. (In my defense, it took me that long because the sensation feels NOTHING like the sensation you get when you pretend to do it. And also, I was really out of it for a really long time.) I didn't tell anyone, though. It was something I had never, ever done in my entire life. I didn't want people to think I might keep doing it. Because I might not! It was probably just a temporary thing caused by the sedative effects of all the post-surgery drugs. Right?! It had to be that. Because I wasn't someone who did something like this.

But people. Oh, people. I took a nap again today. And three times--count them!--three times I was semi-awakened by "it."

So I can't pretend anymore. I have to confess. To come out publicly with an announcement:

I snore now.

I don't do it every time I sleep. But sometimes I do. I don't know if I'll ever stop. Or if when I finally finish healing from the super-annoying-skin-graft-from-hell (did you know it messed up my heart?! they just put me on beta blockers so I don't keel from a heart attack. I'm friggin 31!) I will magically stop.

But for now. In this place. At this point in my life.

I snore.

And it sux.

And I'm sorry.

Things students will do for paper extensions:

(yes, that's a tree on his head)(and Santa boxers)

Things students will do for paper extensions:

Lily, in a normal evening outfit

(Kick took the picture with her phone.  She said it was stuck in a "Retro Picture" form and she didn't know how to make it normal.  I kinda like it, though.)

Things students will do for paper extensions:

I think that the videos they make me are my favorite

Things people will do to switch around the genres of their Great Works papers:

(I think the kid in the blond wig with the cane is supposed to be me. My cane is way hawter than that one, though.)

Things students will do for paper extensions:

Eat a raw potato.  In front of us.