Dear Dr. Google:

Remember when I was sad because you wouldn't let me be a hypochondriac?

you have redeemed yourself.

because it turns out that the petichiae on my stomach? it couldn't possibly be from the fact that I tend to rest my burning hot laptop on my bare skin. No, it's more likely that it's from Leukemia. Or Bolivian Hemorrhagic Fever. Which is highly contagious! So me and my kids better rush to the ER.

and remember that one time when they sky turned green and then I fell off my bike and broke my arm? it turns out that it was most likely a childhood seizure.

in fact, all those times that I randomly got that really funny taste in my mouth as a kid? not from bad dental hygiene! also childhood seizures!

and it turns out that hangnails cause amputations.

and that hickeys cause cancer.

and my kids' imaginary friends are a sign of schizophrenia.

and the fact that I keep writing letters to inanimate objects (and Bush) blaming them for things that are obviously my fault? some sort of personality disorder.

maybe even a sign of cyberchondria.

phew. I was worried there for a bit.

xo

me