Morning Conversation... With a Chipmunk

[Time: yesterday morning]
[Setting: the middle of friggin nowhere.]
[We're camping in the Nevada mountains with my huge paternal extended family. They are very good campers. Me? not so much.]

me: [sleeping]

Kamikaze Chipmunk (KC): [hurls himself from the roof of our 10 ft. tall cabin.]

me: [scream as something that feels like a rubber ball whacks my face and wakes me up.]

my sister, Kate: [laughs]

me: [sit up, glare at Kate.] "What did you do that for?"

Kate: [innocently] "Do what?"

me: "Throw that ball or whatever at me."

Kate: "I didn't throw anything at you."

me: "What hit me in the face then?"

Kate: [shrugs]

me: [look at my pillow.]

Kamikaze Chipmunk (KC): [gives me a look as innocent as Kate's]

me: [scream]

KC: [cocks his head like humans are very amusing.]

me: [talking to chipmunk] "OMG, are you not even going to run away as I scream at you? Have you no fear of humans at ALL?"

KC: [thinks humans are very amusing indeed.]

me: "I could totally kill you, you know. You really should get off of my pillow! And for heaven's sake, develop more fear of humans!"

KC: [looks like he may be laughing at me.]

Steve: [wakes up] "What's going on?"

me: [point to chipmunk]

Steve: "OMG that's a chipmunk."

me: "Do something already!"

Steve: [tries to grab chipmunk]

KC: [casually flicks his tail out of the way]

Everyone in the WHOLE CABIN: [starts to laugh hysterically]

me: "OMG it's like a mouse but bigger."

Steve: "And with tattoos."

me: "Chipmunk, why don't you RUN AWAY?!"

KC: [looks at me like he's laughing again]

Steve: [manages to grasp tail of KC and tries to fling him out the window, but KC squirms free and stares at us from window sill.]

KC: [totally laughing at us again.]

Everyone in the WHOLE CABIN: [squealing and laughing]

me: "OMG he probably has fleas and tics and diseases and now they're all over my pillow!!"

Steve: [grasps tail again and is finally able to toss KC out of the window.]

KC: [laughs the whole way down.]

me: "I need a bath. There is too much nature all over me."

[I get up and stare at my contaminated bed.]

me: "And also, my face hurts."

[I hobble out of the cabin and spend the rest of the morning yelling at random chipmunks.]

Upon Returning from her Runway Show, Miss Provo says,

"You know what? I probably think about cannibalism a lot more than the average person."


(and, yanno, she probably does.)
(and also, that's just what she looks like when I take her picture with my phone. I'm pretty sure she wakes up like that.)
(cuz she's a MANEATER.)

Evening Conversation

Sam: "What's a solstice without soda?"

my BFF: "About as appealing as Christmas without otters."

me: [laugh]

my BFF: "Come on. It really wasn't that funny, Kerry."

me: [laugh harder]

Sam: "Hey, I really like soda."



(Sam as a baby: sneaking soda from Aunt Kathy.)

Upon Reading My Last Post

(which, indeed, I have no memory of writing)

I frantically checked my outbox.

Turns out I mostly sent boring academic stuff.

Which is kind of sad.

Because, apparently, even when drugged, I'm a total geek.

Woot.

Dear Blogosphere

I have just written three (or four? the very memory is a bit fuzzy) emails to people a full hour after I took an ambien pill.

meaning.

I might have written some very strange things.

And tomorrow I might not remember it.

And I am sorry.

And I will go to sleep now.

In Which a Light Goes Off in Sam's Head

Sam: "How was your day at your conference, Mommy?"

me: "It was really long. My feet are swollen."

Sam: "Did you miss me?"

me: "I did miss you! I kept talking about you. I told an editor and an agent about your FASTBOY books, though! They were very impressed. And they're people who publish things."

Sam: "What does that mean? Pu.... Publish?"

me: "It's when they take your book and they get it into bookstores."

Sam: [thinks this over quietly for awhile.] "So, I'm thinking, Mommy..."

me: "Yeah?"

Sam: "Maybe I should come with you tomorrow. This publishing thing is something I think I'd like to pursue..."

Evening Conversation

Lily: "Eating boogers is really gross."

Sam: "What's really gross?"

Lily: "Eating boogers."

Sam: "But, Lily, I eat my boogers all the *time.*"

Lily: [pause] "Gross."

In which we discover why Sam is a Ladies Man

me: [walking into kitchen]

Sam: "So, Mommy. What are you up to?"

me: "I'm getting more ice for my water."

Sam: [pause] "So why do you look so fabulous?"

The thing about vegan food

is that when you eat it, you go, "Hmm... This isn't so bad. Add a little cheese and some chicken and it'd be PERFECT."

(my vegan lunch. post-addition of cheese and chicken.)

A momentous occassion, indeed

Sam: on his very last day of kindergarten.

Offspring! Let it be known: I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong!

There may or may not have been three days in a row recently (*possibly* four days; and the fact that I can't tell you for sure? I will own that, too) where I never got around to showering.

And during these days, I may or may not have worn the same outfit day after day after day.

And even though it was a lovely outfit (and new! so fun)(even though it was size... never mind) I may or may not have started to smell rather ripe by the end of those days.

So your accusations about my bathing habits? They may not be entirely off base.

That is all.