I got 42 miles per gallon!

I thought mileage was supposed to get worse in the winter?  I've never gotten more than 32mpg before.

OMG the fact that this made me so excited really makes me a dork, doesn't it. 

Hey look! My chair!

I had some slipcovers made. You can see one of them here.

I heart slipcovers. And also, I heart the girl who makes them for me.

This is a video based on part of my friend Rick Walton's book. It sort of rocks.

For the pee cream enthusiasts:

I'm out of pee cream. But here's a place that sells it for less than Amazon does. And also, they confirmed that product number 7567 *is* the same as 7566. So you can buy a big tube if you want. Hugs.

See, I'm just too lazy to be a billionaire.

They gave me this one ointment for my graft--they said that it might help any irritation. And it wasn't so bad. Not great. But not bad.

But it turns out that there was something better that it did.

I don't know what made me try it. Genius, maybe. But I put it on my *heels.* And something amazing happened. My heels went from looking like this:

to looking like this:

Seriously, people. My heels look good.

OMG, I thought. I could sell this stuff and be a BILLIONAIRE. Because nothing has ever, not even once, made my heels look this good. And I've tried *everything.* Because who wants to be the lady with the bad looking heels? I used to judge those ladies in my head all the time. And then I was one. And there was nothing I could do about it. Until the magic cream came along.

One problem:

The cream is actually *incontinence* cream. i.e., it's meant to help protect your skin from your *pee.*

That's right. IT'S PEE CREAM.

Which means that to be a billionaire, I'd have to either convince people that it's not gross to buy and use buckets full of pee cream, or I'd have to, like, do a massive re-branding thing. Or something. I actually have no idea. Which is probably why I am most definitely NOT a billionaire.

So, lazy girl that I am, I'll just give you the Amazon link. And since I get like 1% of whatever anyone spends when they buy something (anything!) after clicking a link from my blog, you could help me make $0.50. And, also, you'll have really amazing looking heels. Which is almost as good as being a billionaire, right?




ps: Just so you know, in two years I have made $2.35 from Amazon links! Oh, yeah, baby.

pps: sorry that the link is to a 12-pack. That was the only link that had the exact product number that I have on my bottle. but the cream is totally worth it and you'll use the 12-pack, I promise.

[post edit ppps: after I bought the cream they changed the price to $140! it probably is *that* magical, but WTF? good thing I ordered early.][but bad thing that I was going to buy another box for christmas presents. $50ish I can do. Not $140, though.]

I *think* this may be the same product, just a bigger size:

Purple Hairlers Unite!

Both of these purple hair-dos should be acceptable under the "very appearance of evil" clause previously discussed.

Pics courtesy of Miss Provo. Thanks.

ps: I'm not entirely sure Miss Provo made my face any whiter than it is in real life. I think I just look like that.

In our family, we love the crazies

the 2nd man from the left is my great grandfather: hard at work in the Provo mental hospital.

Steve Calls It "The Crock Pot Condom"

this is a shout out to Reynold's Crock Pot liners. I learned about them from my mom, who would probably like me to reiterate that she does NOT call them what Steve calls them. (She's prudish that way.)

With these it takes like five seconds to clean up. I'm totally a fan.

Why I haven't been blogging

I just finished the first totally complete draft of my dissertation.
all 500 pages of it.

WOOT.

Always a good sign on the morning you have jury duty

My horoscope today said, "You ought to be able to talk your way out of almost anything right now."

thank goodness. I was done by ten.

Favorite Academic Journal Article Title of the Day:

"How Jesus Resembles Terminator," published in the Times Higher Education Supplement. (I'm SO going to quote it.)

My horoscope says I might find myself on a religious pilgrimage today

I'm thinking about going here



for one of these

Tomorrow is my semi-annual checkup at Huntsman.

It's also the full moon.

If you know me well enough to know why this is so deeply hilarious, this post is my gift to you.

Yeah, yeah. I know I shouldn't be reading books that aren't part of my sample.

But sometimes you have to make exceptions, you know? Like for this book:



which is

1) beautiful
2) written by a friend of mine
3) totally enriched by the fact that *I* make an appearance as a character! As the mini-van driving philosopher of page 248-251. Which is basically the best thing anyone has ever characterized me as prettymuch ever.
4) did I mention that it's beautiful? It is. I stayed up till 1AM reading it because I just had to. And this was no easy feat considering that I'd spent the majority of the day barfing violently. (Can't let a winter go by without the stomach flu, now can I?!)

Anyway. Y'all should buy the book. In fact, you should buy it from Amazon right now!


And now I'll get myself back to those 35 books I've gotta read in the next 20 days...

My horoscope told me not to clean my house today

It was really, really hard. But somehow I managed.

Somebody get me a paper bag--I'm so excited I'm hyperventilating!

My favorite store has opened an *American* branch. No more suffering at the hand of the exchange rate! No more paying overseas shipping more expensive than my purchase! Merry Christmas to ME!

I know it's a little early to go all Christmassy, but sometimes you can't help yourself

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

I was thinking of making a pot roast tomorrow night

but now I'm just so tempted by the hilariously irreverent undertones of pigs in a blanket...

As promised, The Night That Orrin Hatch Grabbed My Butt: AKA One of the Best Nights of My Life!

It's election night: 2000. Steve, Mr. NPR Reporter, has been tasked to cover the election. Like, the ENTIRE election. Democratic, Republican, national, AND local. Big job. And because we've been married all of 1.75 months, I decide that I'll come help him. We spend a little time downtown SLC at Democratic headquarters, trying to interview the ONE Democrat who won his race. We miss him, though. And lemmie tell you, Democratic headquarters on election night in Utah is a sad, sad, sad place. So we leave.

Grand entrance into Republican Headquarters. The room is so loud that we have to yell to talk. There are balloons and laughing and music and cheering and every image of jubilation you can possibly think of. There is one sad looking Republican, the one beat by the lone Democrat of course, walking around trying to look stoic. Everyone avoids him.

So there are SO MANY winning Republicans to interview that Steve is running around like a madman. I am tasked with recording all of the formal speeches given. I have my microphone, my recorder, I look like a genuine journalist.

Orrin's speech is the biggest one of the night. (He being almost as powerful as Oprah in this state.) I have staked my place at the front of the crowd and I hold my microphone up to him like the best of the best reporters. Easy as pie, my job. Well, his speech ends and he comes down off the podium to start his individual interviews. The TV stations seem to have the biggest people to strong arm him over. So, he goes to do interviews.

Meanwhile, the next speech to record isn't for awhile, and if you recall the election night of 2000 you know that things are starting to get pretty interesting with the whole "who's gonna be president?!" question. Lucky for me Republican Headquarters is equipped with a 25 foot tall TV projection. Probably of Fox News. Can't be sure. So, I turn my back on Orrin to watch TV.

Orrin and I are actually back to back at this point. He's interviewing with some TV station and his hands are clasped behind his back like this:



Only he has a shirt on, obviously.

Well, he must be nervous because his hand is slowly squeezing in and out. In and out. In and out.

Meanwhile, I can't see the 25-ft tall TV very well, so I'm backing up. Backing up. Backing up. Ever so slowly.

Suddenly, BAM!

I feel a giant MAN HAND squeeze the world's largest chunk of my BUTT.

So, what to do? I scream. And I jump. And I turn around.

And it's Orrin Hatch. (Who doesn't flinch. Not even an inch.)

And we're live on channel four.

Heh.

Actually, I don't remember what station he was interviewing with at the time. All I know is that I started laughing SO DANG HARD because FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I would get to tell the story about the time that Orrin Hatch grabbed my butt.

Later that night when we were interviewing him, I kept looking at my lap and giggling. There he was, chatting with my husband about politics. Meanwhile, the man had no idea that the random piece of flesh he found between his fingers earlier?

My butt.

Current Events Quiz answer!

Cherie was actually on NPR the other day, which is how I know, but:

1) She and tony do NOT have two children; they have at least three and possibly four. (I couldn't tell if her "unplanned" final pregnancy was her third or fourth, but they did call her a "mother of three" at least once.)

2) Steve and I were at that State Department meeting. But nobody even remotely famous was. So I'm pretty sure that this included the Blairs. [Although, there were some *local* celebrities there, so I guess that might count as "remotely" famous; your call.]

3)Cherie Never once mentioned B.G. Maybe they're secret fans, but I am unaware of it.

4)I'm also guessing that if their first baby was a petri dish baby, it would have come up. It didn't.

Which leaves only #5!

Cherie and Tony did--in fact!--meet each other for the first time when they were competing against each other for a scholarship to law school. She won.

Yay for Mrs. Smartiepants!!