In which we discover that Lily is really a V with plans of mass human annihilation

Scene: We're at Burger King, watching President Obama pardon the turkey. Neither of my children are wearing shoes and the smell of boiling fat permeates the air. BTW, Burger King is where we go for all of our sociopolitical enrichment. We're classy that way.

Me: "Do you guys see those girls behind the president? Those are his daughters. Wouldn't it be weird if your dad was president?"

Sam: "Um, the way it would *really* go, Mommy, is that *you'd* be the president and I'd have to call you 'mommy president' and we'd live in the white house."

Me: "You make a very good point."

Sam: "But can girls even be president?"

Me: "Not that it's apparent historically speaking, but absolutely girls can be the president."

Sam: "Huh. Lily, do you want to be the president?"

Lily: [thinks for a moment.] "What I want is to be a giant and then to tower SO HIGH that I'm a voice in the sky. And I'll BOOM. I'll say 'PEOPLE! LISTEN!' And then I'll mush them."

Primary Program Today

my favorite quote, from a nine year old girl reading the Proclamation on the Family:

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome erectional activities." [sic]

So, um, I guess we should move to LA?

Sam: "Mommy, I am almost six and I haven't been on TV yet."

Me: "Actually, honey, you have. You just don't remember."

Sam: "I don't just want to be on On-Demand. I want to be on the *good* shows."

Me: "Like?"

Sam: "Ugh. You know. The kind of shows I like."

Me: "Okay."

Sam: "So, what are you going to do about it?"

Me: "Honey, you don't want to be on TV. People on TV go crazy."

Sam: "But they're on TV."

Me: "Well, we don't live in LA anyway. And even if we did, you'd need an agent."

Sam: "So, what's stopping us? I know I'd like to move to Hollywood."

Lily: [interrupting] "Ooo. And I'll be a ROCKSTAR. Do you like my shirt? It's a rockstar shirt."

Sam: "I've wanted to be famous my WHOLE LIFE."

Me: "Well, you didn't tell me until you were three, so that's only like two years."

Sam: [ignores me] "You can't just give up on something you've wanted to do your WHOLE LIFE."

5yo Brand Awareness: Mass Media Style

Sam: "Hey, Mommy, I'm watching this great show."

me: "Which one?"

Sam: "Something with dinosaurs."

me: "Oh. Is it good?"

Sam: "It is definitely not evil."

me: [laugh]

Sam: "You can tell because it's on PBS Kids."

me: "So PBS isn't evil?"

Sam: "PBS *Kids* isn't evil."

Steve: [perks up][he's a marketer. for TV stuff.][not coincidentally, he used to work for PBS.] "So what about the other networks? What about Nickelodeon?"

Sam: "Evil."

Steve: "Disney?"

Sam: "Sometimes evil. Sometimes not. Disney movies are definitely evil."

Steve: "Cartoon Network?

Sam: "Can be evil."

Steve: "But PBS is never evil?"

Sam: "PBS *Kids.*"

Steve: "PBS Kids is never evil?"

Sam: "Well," [points to a promo that has just begun] "these things are sometimes evil. But PBS Kids is usually good."

Dear old man in the wheelchair:

I know you're old.

probably blind.

and, yanno, in a wheelchair.

It's still not OK ask random women if they're having a boy or girl.

As you pat their belly.

Just so you know.

Conversation in the Car

Sam: "Hey, Lily, look at my amazing muscles." [flexes]

Lily: "Oh, wow. That is so hot."

Steve: [snorts] "Did she just say, 'that is so hot?'"

me: "Yes. We can call her Paris from now on."

Sam: "So, Lily, if you think my muscles are so awesome, why don't you marry them?"

Lily: "Because... Ew."

Sam: [flexes]

me: "You guys are adorable, BTW."

Sam: "Oh, good. That means we're off your list."

My nephew Charlie has super powers