Morning Conversation

Lily: "Mommy, I want to go to JESUS LAND!"

me: "Jesus land?"

Lily: "YES! JESUS LAND!!"

me: "Okay..."

Lily: "There's a PUPPY at Jesus Land!"

me: "Like the puppy at Disneyland?"

Lily: "Yes. I'd like to take Pappa and Gramma and Kathy."

me: "Aunt Kathy?"

Lily: "I talked to her on the phone!"

Steve: "Actually, I keep catching her stealing your phone and she always tells me that she's talking to Kathy."

me: "Oh."

Lily: "JESUS LAND!!!!!"

Here are Some Literary Terms

just in case you wanted to try to understand the baffling world of publishing:

http://www.harpers.org/archive/2008/10/0082197

(I'd tell you where I found the link, but it has a swear word in the title... the short version is editorial a...)

Forget being a witch, what I really need to do is find this costume again!!

Morning Conversation... of sorts...

Sam: [sleeping]

Sam: [sleeping]

me: [putting on my socks]

Sam: [sleeping]

me: [putting on my shoes]

Sam: [head bolts upright and eyes--seeming fully awake--go wide] "Mommy, have you thought about what you'd like to be for Halloween?"

me: [startled] "Uh, no. but good morning. what do you think I should be for Halloween?"

Sam: [smiles, lays back and closes eyes] "A witch would be nice."

me: "okay, I'll think about that idea."

Sam: [doesn't hear me because he's sleeping again.]

There are very few articles of clothing whose meaning can fill your eyes with tears of joy

my wedding dress is one.

here is another:

It's like the train wreck that you just CAN'T STOP WATCHING

Oh, Geez. Somebody save me.

You could even call me on the phone (and ya'll know how I feel about the phone). Or just knock on my front door and physically pull me AWAY from the TV!!

please?!

So, it turns out that

1) the limit to what one human being can accomplish? it's not theoretical.

2) I've also reached it.

3) and not in a good way.

YA Quote of the day!

"There's a really stupid saying: when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Well, I have a better saying: when life hands you a lemon, shove that lemon up its stupid butt."

--Gena Showalter, Oh My Goth

If you have had the misfortune of being near me today, I'm sorry

you know why.

The Oedipus Chronicles: At least he's self aware, right?

Sam: "How do you think I feel about you, Mommy?"

Me: [pause, since I was just yelling at him to get his FRIGGIN UNDERWEAR on already!] "I don't know. How do you feel about me?"

Sam: "I really love you. I love you so much."

Me: "Oh! I love you, too."

Sam: "You make me very, very happy, Mommy."

Me: "Aw. Thanks."

Sam: "So I think we should get married."

Me: "But we've talked about this. We can't get married because I'm your Mommy."

Sam: "It's okay, though, Mommy. Because ALL little boys feel this way about their mommies." [shurg] "It's just part of being a little boy."

Me: "I think you're right."

Sometimes Steve thinks of strange ways to try to compliment me

Like five minutes ago:

"Do you know what you look like, Kerry?"

"No, what do I look like?"

"You look like one of those models that Janice Dickenson says needs to lose five pounds."

Um... Okay.

If you tell Lily to smile

she'll look at you like this:


But if you tell her to "show me your teeth?" She does this:

Have you ever wanted to write a really, really, really bad personal narrative?

If so, have I got the essay for you!

Actually, it's more of a list and less of an essay. And I could use a sample audience to proofread it before I do something utterly embarrassing like publish it.

Any takers?

Afternoon Conversation

Sam: "Mommy, did you know that I'm a genius?"

Me: "Yes! You are a very smart boy!"

Sam: "Because it's true. I'm a genius."

Me: "For sure."

Sam: "But when I'm at school, I have to *pretend* like I'm NOT a genius."

Me: "Why on earth would you have to do that?"

Sam: "Well, because when you're a genius, no one wants to play with you."

Me: "Oh, I see."

My carpet cleaner told me that I was wearing a "really neat" outfit

which I thought was really nice of him.

also

a little bit disturbing.

Every time I see a picture of Miss Provo when she was little, it still weirds me out how much she looks like Lily

The Oedipus Chronicles: Morning Conversation

Sam: "Oh, Mommy, you are so hot."

Daddy Steve: [snort] "You shouldn't say that Mommy is hot."

Sam: "But she IS hot."

Daddy Steve: [uncomfortable laugh] "That might be true, but only daddies should tell mommies that they're hot."

Sam: [whispering to me] "You ARE hot, though, Mommy. Especially your arm. Your arm is SO HOT."

Daddy Steve: "Why don't you just tell Mommy that she's beautiful?"

Sam: [sigh] "But she's *hot.*"

If four year olds understood irony, life would not be nearly as hilarious

post-operative Sam has been throwing a lot of tantrums. (especially when he's due for his opioid-based pain medicine...)

this afternoon:

Sam: [incomprehensible babble] "you are NOT the boss of this house! I am IN CHARGE of everything!" [pokes at me angrily with his finger]

me: [laughter] "heh. you're hilarious."

Sam: [incomprehensible babble] "NOT HILARIOUS. the BOOSSSSSS!!!" [more angry poking]

me: [more laughter]

Sam: [angry incomprehensible babble][poking becomes painful]

me: "this is getting boring."

Sam: "THE BOSS!@!@!"

me: "do you need more Lortab?"

Sam: "No! I need ANGRY!!!"

me: "alrighty. if you don't need more pain medicine, I'm going to put you in your room. you're making my head start to hurt." [I guide him into his room and shut his lock-less door.]

Sam: "you have to let me out of here because I AM IN CHARGE OF THIS HOUSE!!!!"

uh... obviously.

Picture Books, Lullabies, Warm Milk...

things that help normal babies go to sleep, right?

This is how Lily falls asleep, though. She's gotta watch it. Every. Night.

Some problems need a *real* expert to solve them...

My in-laws are moving to the United Arab Emirates in the next few weeks. They'll be chilling in a real-life Oasis as Papa Mark sets up an entire state system of higher education for the country.

The kiddos will miss them, but the adventure is sorta amazing.

Update

the no crying lasted until 5PM. It was followed by a weepy soft cry.

Me: "Are you sad, honey?"

Sam: [nods]

Me: "Why are you sad?"

Sam: "Because my friends... they hurt me."

Me: [thinking he's talking about people at school because all day he's been friggin running around like he didn't just have surgery this morning] "When did your friends hurt you?"

Sam: "At the doctor's this morning."

Me: "Oh, honey. I'm so sorry."

Sam: "It makes me so SAD!" [sobbing ensues]

[I begin video-game-bribing-distraction techniques]

Drugged babies are hilarious

they are

1) confessional. ie: "Mommy, Taylor and I are getting married." Mommy: "who's Taylor?!" Sam: "She's from my school. She loves me. Almost as much as Trixie." Mommy: "Trixie?!:

2) delusional. ie: "Did you know that my legs are broken? The doctor broke them. I guess I'll just have to race wheelchairs."

3) hallucinatory. ie: "Mommy! Buzz is talking to me! He's really talking! Can you hear him?!" (I couldn't.)



And, yes, Buzz is wearing surgical gear. The nurse put it on him, right before they pulled Sam away in a wagon/bed. All pretty awesome.

Sam's doing well, BTW. He's watching TV and is overwhelmed by all the drink choices we put on his bedside tray. ("There's too many," he says. "I can't decide.") The nurses said he's pretty much the only baby they've ever seen who hasn't cried even once. (We'll see how long that lasts...)