A surprisingly effective commentary on the dangers of unneccessary censorship

Story Time!

Twilight And Dinosaurs!

Sam: On Being Exploited by Marketers

[we're watching TV; I start to fast-forward through the commercials.]

Sam: "Mommy, Mommy, stop! Why are you doing that?"

me: "Because we don't want to watch the commercials. They're just trying to get us to buy stuff we don't need."

Sam: "But I really LIKE commercials."

me: "You LIKE them?"

Sam: "Yeah, me and Dad both like commercials." [True. Steve loves commercials. He's in marketing so it's a professional interest and stuff.]

me: "Blah. I just don't understand why you like them. They're so annoying."

Sam: "Well, see, it's simple. I like commercials because they tell me what I'm supposed to think about stuff."

me: "Oh, geez. That's so Fahrenheit 451."

Sam: "They also remind me that I'm hungry."

This is what happens when you leave two six year olds in charge of the snack menu:

They call it, "The Fiesta of Food."

Morning Conversation

Sam: "What are you looking for?"

me: "My razor."

Sam: "Why are you looking for your razor?"

me: "Because I need to shave my hairy armpits."

Sam: "Oh, I see." [pause][fake sigh] "Well, you should know, Mommy, you've got a LOT of work ahead of you."

me: "Dude."

Sam: [shrugs] "At least your mustache hasn't grown back in. That would be too much for one day."

Among the Saved: Baby Sam at the Piano and 9mo Lily Walking through the House (which is just wrong BTW; 9mo shouldn't be walking cuz it's WRONG)

ps: my new Mac is very pretty. and not as expensive as I thought! (thanks to Barb)

The Great Thing About Ambien

is that sometimes in your hypnotic state, you actually do things that are really helpful. Like, you randomly decide to put all of your pictures on a secret data drive *right before your computer crashes.* You don't remember doing it (though after you find them you do have a vague memory of maybe doing it at three in the morning while feeling the ambi-haze), but those pictures of your babies' first birthday? Totally safe. Yay for Ambien!

Who needs pictures of your babies' first birthdays, right?

the data recovery company found *some* of my stuff. not all. he, too, blames it all on Bill Gates. Windows Vista programming flaw, he says.

so.

any suggestions on the best Mac laptop to buy?

Dear Microsoft:

YOU FRIGGIN DID IT AGAIN!!!

WHERE ARE ALL MY FILES?!!

I AM SOOO BUYING A MAC. MAYBE TOMORROW MORNING.

In Which Sam Receives Some Advice From a Wiser (if Smaller) Friend

[Sam is on timeout next to me for fighting with Lily. Something involving 'pottie' and 'bum-bums.' He doesn't want to be on timeout. He wants to be playing with his friends Adam and William who are visiting. So he's thrashing around and screaming and generally causing a ruckus.]

me: "Sam. This behavior is inappropriate."

Sam: [thrashes and screams and generally causes a ruckus.]

me: "Sam. Do you want your friends to go home? Because you're acting like you want your friends to go home."

Sam: [thrashes and screams and generally causes a ruckus.]

me: "Okay. I'm going to go tell your friends to get in the car."

[Sam's friend Adam appears in the doorway.]

Adam: "Do you think maybe I could try to talk to him before we do that?"

me: "Why not."

Adam: [pats Sam on the shoulder.] "Buddy, buddy. Let's talk."

[Sam calms down a little.][Adam squats down to Sam's eye-level.]

Adam: "I know you don't want to be here. That you don't want to be in trouble."

me: "This is my Mom's fault! I don't know what she WANTS from me!!"

Adam: "I know, man. I know. I can see that you're *suffering.* I can see it."

Sam: [nods]

Adam: "But you know? It just has to *be* like this. Okay?"

Sam: [takes a ragged breath.] "Okay, Okay."



[Adam's the one with glasses doing the peace sign. I think he should join the U.N. Just saying.]

They're Animals, I tell You

Dear Microsoft Auto Update:

For some reason you have deleted my entire computer.
I no longer exist
or my profile doesn't exist
or something.
But I had a dissertation on that computer.
And a few novels.
And pictures of my babies' first birthdays.
So if you could stop
deleting people
and their files
just because you want to auto update yourself
that would be great.

xo,

me

ps: u suck

Lily: On What Went Wrong

[It's night-time and it's raining. Raining HARD. Lily decides it's the perfect weather for a swim-suit. Without my knowing, she then goes outside in the dark, freezing, rain. I think she's watching TV in her room. Which is why it's confusing when I hear a baby crying from outside.]

Lily: [crying]

me: [confused]

Lily: [still crying]

me: [think maybe I should make sure it's not *my* baby crying] "Hey, Lily! Everything okay?"

Sam: "I'm OK Mom!"

me: [realize that I haven't heard from Lily] "Lily?"

Lily: [indecipherable babbling, definitely coming from far away.]

me: [get up, look around house for Lily. realize that she must be outside and go to the back door where I see a bikini-wearing spirit-like tiny white thing running through the yard toward me.]

Lily: [crying]

me: "Lily? Why were you outside in the rain? It's thirty degrees out there. And you're in a swimsuit."

Lily: [indecipherable babbling (Lily is actually quite a good talker; just not when she's crying). something about wanting to take a shower.]

me: "You wanted to take a shower?"

Lily: "Yes! and play in the playhouse."

me: "But it was too cold?"

Lily: "And dark! It was so, so, so dark! There was NOTHING THERE."

me: "And you didn't like the playhouse in the dark? Was it because you were lonely?"

Lily: "It was because I thought it would make me happy! and it DIDN'T!"

me: "Okay. Come cuddle with Mommy and get warm."

Lily: "Only if I can have a bottle."

Sam: On a Taxi

[Sam and I are in Denver for the AWP; we're coming home from the aquarium with balloons and stuff.]

Taxi driver: "Oh, wow. You guys out having a day?"

Sam [deadpan]: "Yup. We're livin' the dream."

Sam and Lily's Recipe of the Day

Pop Tart Sandwiches:

1. Two pop tarts
2. Three pieces of bread

Toast the pop tarts. Put a piece of bread between them and a piece of bread on the outside of each of them. Eat in the bathroom.

Red-faced Note of Shame to Self:

"Spunky" does not mean the same thing in the UK as it does in the US. And if you are going to do your docterate through a UK school, this is probably something you might want to be aware of. And also, you should probably know how to spell doctorate.

back to revisions...

"Mommy, *this* is JAZZ!"

Morning Conversation

me: [working on my dissertation]

Sam: "Why is it taking you so long to finish that thing?"

me: "Because it's a dissertation. People spend *years* working on their dissertations."

Sam: "Well, I think that you should realize that you could *die* working on that thing."

me: ?!

Sam: "I'm serious. I'm just going to get older, and older, and older, and you're going to keep working on it, and eventually... you *will* die."

me: "Thanks for the encouragement."

Hurricane Lily: Category Five

This is what I found in Lily's room this morning:



and it's not the first lamp to end up this way.

Morning Conversation

me: "Peew. Mommy needs a shower. She smells like a horse."

Sam: [looks up][nonchalantly walks over][sniffs] "No. Not a horse." [sniffs again] "More like a cow, I'd say."

Sam says,

Sam: "Hey, Mommy!"

me: "Wha... Huh?" [I'm sleeping.]

Sam: "Look, look. I gotta ask you something."

me: "Ok."

Sam: "So, what would happen if you put earplugs in your nose?"

me: "Um..."

Sam: "You wouldn't be able to breathe!!"

[hysterical laughter ensues.][Sam's hysterical laughter.]

Sam: "April FOOOOaaaaaalllls!"