Evening Conversation: In Which Lily Makes Us Feel Stupid AND Manages to Induce an Existential Crisis At the Same Time

[we're driving]

Lily: "One."

me: "Huh?"

Lily: "What's it all about?"

me: "One?"

Lily: "Yeah."

me: "I don't get it."

Steve: "Maybe she means 'won' like winning or losing?"

Lily: "That's not what I mean."

me: "So what do you mean? Are we talking existential? Numerical? Numerological? Philosophical?"

Lily: [Looks at me like I'm very stupid indeed.] "I'm talking about the number." [pauses and speaks very slowly.] "One... what that about?"

Steve and I: [fumbling a lot] "Um... it's about present versus absent... totality versus partiality... it exists... but it's alone..."

Lily: [Another condescending stare.] "Yeah, but what really bugs me is the name. I mean... ONE. Who got to name it? It shouldn't even HAVE a name. It's a NUMBER."

Steve and I: [give up and look out the window.]

Some Students From Last Semester Are Still Doing Extension Stuff!

Here are some seriously impressive un-shaved legs! (I forget how long I made her go without shaving... Hopefully she'll be done before summer!)

Morning Brush with Fame

So, I was walking in this mall, heading up the escalator, when I saw Tim Gunn heading down the escalator. 

Cool, I thought. It's Tim Gunn.

I don't get super excited around celebrities, but I like Tim Gunn, so I said, "Hey! Tim Gunn!" And I waved as our escalator paths crossed.

He looked at me and said, "Oh, hey, Kerry, how are you?"

And I went, "OMG Tim Gunn knows my name!" I was super excited considering I don't get that excited around celebrities. I mean, I knew we'd hung out before,* but I didn't think he'd remember me. I then decided that I should get home as soon as possible so I could write about it on my blog.

Just as I sat down to blog, though, filled with the thrill of being known... (By Tim Gunn!)

Steve started shaking me, plucking my night-time ear plug out of my ear. "Wake up," he says. "It's morning."

And I sat up and looked around and went D#*&IT!

It felt so real.

Groggy as I was, I thought... it did feel real. So it was only logical that this must be the dream. Steve wasn't really shaking me, that was just my neurons firing random images around. Which is why I turned over and left the conscious world for the "real" one.

A few minutes later, Michelle Obama was there, telling me how excited Barrack was that I was in the audience for his speech, but why didn't I ask any questions? He could have used a few questions from someone he actually liked.

I shrugged and went to drive home with my parents who were navigating a borrowed house down the road toward Napa. The couch was super comfortable.

Sometimes, the "real" world is pretty nice.


*I have never actually hung out with Tim Gunn. In the not-real "conscious" world at least.

Afternoon Conversation: Touché Dude

Sam (7yo):  "I've changed my mind about marriage.  I think I might actually do it one day."

me: "Oh? What changed your mind?"

Sam: [squints] "Well, it may or may not have something to do with, yanno," [voice gets really quiet] "an 'M' crush."

me: "An 'M' crush? That sounds very interesting. What is this 'M' crush?"

Sam:  "Don't talk so loud.  And I'm sorry, but I can't tell you any more about it."

me: [ignoring the "don't talk so loud" edict] "Why? You should tell me everything!  I'm your Mommy!" 

Sam: [shakes his head] "No. I had a dream about this. I told you everything and you know what you did? You went and you wrote all about it on the internet and told the WHOLE WORLD."

I got 42 miles per gallon!

I thought mileage was supposed to get worse in the winter?  I've never gotten more than 32mpg before.

OMG the fact that this made me so excited really makes me a dork, doesn't it. 

things students will do for paper extensions:

make up rap/songs about the class

play the "Zelda" theme song on a violin that hadn't been tuned since last December. (he tuned it right before he played, but warned us that it doesn't hold its tune very well after such a long hiatus. whatevs, kid.)


eat a twinkie in one bite



dress like Jimmer but with two ties.




crochet scarfs for roommates

stuff their mouths (and ear!) with as many gummy worms as possible.

go a few days without a shower

chug a disgusting mix of milk, soda, juice and every other liquid in the Canon Center. (also, there was a gummy worm at the bottom of the bottle.)

eat as many Oreos in a minute as possible



I guess the question is, what won't students do for an extension? (especially superuptight honors students.)

Question: What would you have done?

things students will do for paper extensions:

about three of them went various number of months without shaving their legs. here's an illustration.

things students will do for paper extensions:

dress awkwardly. but not quite so awkwardly that people can be sure it's a costume.

things students will do for paper extensions:

Bucket list: see a monk do a belly dance to Shakira.

Check.

things students will do for paper extensions:

share with us one of their most embarrassing "slip ups." 

Student Poem of the Day

Procrastination:

a seven haiku series

(I'll write the rest soon.)

(by Zach Yancey: one of my procrastinating Honors students.)

Am I just punch drunk from grading? Or does this make you laugh out loud?

extension: totally granted.

Intra-Class-Romance: An Awkward Love Story

photo love story provided by two (really dating!) students who needed extensions and know how amusing SWILUA finds intra-class romances.

Only at BYU

 do you read a paper with sentences like:

"Every student here on campus deserves the right to eat without the distractions of short skirts and unkempt hair."

This place is hilarious.

Back to grading.

In Which I am Very Disappointed in my Offspring

We found this note (scribbled in kid's Crest toothpaste and reading "Your dead Dad") on our bathroom mirror:

Needless to say, I was very disappointed.

I mean, how can I call myself an English professor when my very own children don't know the difference between "your" and "you're?"

Dear Miss Provo: I accidentally got your child

Lily has been begging me to enter her into a pageant. I am an English professor and didn't want to do it. I think there is some sort of law about that kind of thing.

But law or no law, I could not escape the simple fact: Lily's will is stronger than mine.

Lily's will is stronger than titanium. Stronger than reinforced concrete or even any exaggerated idea of the word "stubborn." Postmodernism, Feminism, cultural hierarchies of value: Lily's will surpasses them all. In a way, it's one of the things I admire about her. So much self possession in such a little body.

The pageant was this Saturday.

She won first place. And a bunch of other stuff. Three trophies, two sashes, a cover-shot, a bag of toys, and a queen's crown.

It was amazing, actually. She walked across the stage as if she'd been doing it for years. She waved and blew kisses and held her arms in a perfect oval the way they do on TLC's "Toddlers and Tiaras." She looked right at the judges and smiled, winking like a 25 year old Miss America contestant.

Lily is five and has never even been on stage before. Except maybe in a previous life. Which would explain a lot, actually.

The thing about giving in and the cognitive dissonance caused by my visceral sense of pride--I was so proud of her! and so amazed that such a thing came from me. But how?--well, the thing about it all is that you give in once and you think you're done with it.

And then your baby wins first place and is supposed to go on to finals.

Cognitive dissonance: a permanent condition tied to being Lily's mother? Probably.

Here she is on the program cover:
(Thanks to Barb for the award winning picture!)

Afternoon conversation: In which Sam considers his options

Sam: "omigosh, Mom, I fell down and scraped my knees!"

me: "You scraped your knee?"

Sam: [showing me] "I scraped BOTH knees!"

me: "Do you want me to kiss it or something?"

Sam: "No."

me: "What do you want to do?"

Sam: "Well, I've heard of this thing called 'walking it off.' I think I'd like to try that."

things students will do for paper extensions

Remember what I said about the blinking?

(Steve says: "that was one psychic tree!")

Don't Blink

This morning when I left for work, this tree had all its leaves.

Four hours later:

Funny thing I saw on the Internets Today

Afternoon conversation: In which I am put in my place

me: [at grocery store] "I think we should get some grapes."

Sam: "I love grapes."

me: "I know."

Sam: "How do you know?"

me: "Mommies know everything."

Sam: "That's not true."

me: "Of course it is."

Sam: "Well, maybe you know everything about your kids, but you don't know *everything.*"

me: "Oh?"

Sam: "I mean, look at you. You only teach college. It's not like you teach grad school or anything."