Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Answer: Seven

Question: How many pounds did I gain during my week-long stay in Carbatopia? (a.k.a. Grandma's house.)

going to the gym now...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Because when you're on vacation and you watch too much CSI, you start to get paranoid.

I have a problem with my toes. As in, when my toenails grow, they bug me. So I cut them off. Only... I'm really *bad* at cutting them off. So I always end up with mangled bloody messes. As my sister in law, Michelle, says, my pedicures tend to go... wrong.

So, someday, if the CSI people show up at my house and find blood (not going to pontificate on the reasons this might come to pass) you need to tell them that they should make sure that the *amount* of blood isn't attributable to my toes. Because, microscopically speaking, the house is *full* of my toe blood.

Just thought I'd tell y'all. Just in case, you know.

Someone tell me...

If you sleep in until NOON, why do you desperately need a nap by three?

And then when you wake up from said nap at five thirty, why does seven o'clock seem like bedtime?

This holiday stuff is getting ROUGH.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Body Fluids Diaries: Holiday Edition!

1) on the plane. seconds away from landing. baby stands up. pee flows down. drama ensues.

2) at grandma's house. baby pulls down pants. diarrhea flows out. screaming ensues.

3) at the *mall.* diaper comes off. poop rolls out. mcdonald's refuses napkins. swearing ensues.

4) five seconds ago. I try to write this blog entry. husband starts yelling for me. poop is smearing all over. hands. legs. stomach. new christmas clothes.

despair descends.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Morning Conversation

Sam: "Mommy, did you know that I'm white?"

me: "Oh. You are?"

Sam: "Do you know what being white means?"

me: "What does it mean?"

Sam: "It means that when you eat really fast you don't throw up. But if you eat slow, you DO throw up. You also just throw up a lot for no reason."

me: "Really? that's what it means to be white?"

Sam: "I think there's something about skin, too. But mostly it's the throwing up thing."

me: "Oh, okay."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Things Students will do for Paper Extensions

They will quietly wear togas around campus.

They will wear a shirt all day that says, "Happy Bellybutton Appreciation Day!" and when anyone speaks to them they will ask, "Do you like my hat?" and then insist that they do have one on, even when people say they don't.

They will say, "in accordance with prophecy" after everything they say for 24 hours.

They will calculate the square root of 123,456 using the Babylonian method

I meant to say this in the last post...

but sometimes, when you tell the truth, you might be afraid that people will think you're crazy.

your narrative still has to be honest to be resonant. that's why writing them sometimes sux.

Monday, December 15, 2008

okay, okay. I empathize already. (dangit.)

Every semester when my students are writing their personal narratives, I tell them that the hardest part about narrative is honesty. But it's not the *intent* to tell the truth that's hardest. The very hardest part of narrative is that we have to be honest with *ourselves.*

Maybe without meaning to, we're always telling ourselves little lies--probably so that we feel better. i.e: I'm not really that whiney. Or, when I broke that kid's arm it wasn't my fault. Or, I don't tell lies. Or, there's nothing I'm ashamed of.

But the rub of personal narrative?

no one likes a perfect protagonist.


Polyanna? Only interesting because she (SPOILER) gets paralyzed at the end.

Well, I spent today writing about my *own* life. It's something I haven't done for awhile, bad writing teacher that I am.

And the thing is? That imperfect protagonist thing?

It's really hard. Really, really hard.

So I feel your pain, students. Doesn't make the pain any less necessary, unfortunately, but I still feel it.

Isn't that kind of like asking, "Can you do this math... but without the numbers?"

got a revision request from a peer-reviewed journal for an article I submitted. the article is a statistical analysis of YA book marketing versus sales. they said they liked it. but could I do it without all the graphs?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Things Students will do for Paper Extensions

Knit pretty pink scarves that they will then give to charity in SWILUA*'s name.

*SWILUA = "She Who is Like Unto Aphrodite" which is my official, professorial title. (seriously. it's on the syllabus.)

Writing Quote of the Day

"I always feel like with every book, I come out different on the the other side. Of course, that's also how you make sausage, so you can draw your own conclusions."

--Libba Bray

Things Students will do for Paper Extensions

Wear their hair in a gazillion braids. For like a week.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Things Students will do for Paper Extensions

Recite the Young Women's theme (from memory!). While holding cookies.

Wear a "High School Musical" tattoo on their cheek. For a week.

Wear PJ's to school and tell us all a bedtime story. About the most embarrassing thing they've ever done!

wear all of their clothes backwards and bake us all a cake shaped like a castle.

tell every single person who looks him in the eyes: "I just love you..." [note how he won't look at my camera? I'm hurt.]

drag around a pet shoe all day

more coming soon, I'm sure...

(5 papers+ 6 quizzes + 99 journal entries + endless pleas for mercy) X 56 students =




Things Students will do for Paper Extensions

They will draw a chalk circle around the Karl statue and then stand inside it for 1.5 hours without once stepping over the line. They will do this while wearing a sign that says, "No! Never! I'd die first!"

It's that time of the semester again! Yay! Things Students Will Do For Paper Extensions.

They will dress up like Christmas Elves and do other people's dishes.

Students! Alert! Grammar Link!

So, y'all who know me well enough to have experienced one of my oh-so-enlightening grammar rants will know that I am not a prescriptionist. Indeed: prescriptionists annoy me with their snobbiness and refusal to acknowledge that reality--->language--->reality.


This was a very useful read. If you'd prefer to not look stupid, that is.


I disagree with their interpretation of the word "hopefully." It's been used the "wrong" way so often that using it the "wrong" way no longer makes you look stupid. In fact, if you're the kind of person who would call other people on this "wrong" use, you're the one who will look stupid. For not friggin acknowledging reality.

End rant.

Here's the link: http://www.copyblogger.com/commonly-misused-words/

Monday, December 08, 2008

Hard day today

You're lucky because I'm not feeling quite as pontificous about it as I was earlier, so you get to be spared my ramblings.

The thing is... Nothing today was really terribly hard. The day was just... exhausting. Whiney, vomiting, babies. Moody, semi-adolescent lapses into the weepies. Naughty students* with their inappropriate jokes about NRB's** and make out-sessions with drunk 40-year olds. Trying to keep the babies from destroying Steve's office at 8PM when we were trying to make him come home.

It's the end of the semester and I'm overloaded with stuff to do; it's the darkest part of the year; I haven't eaten nearly enough carbs lately. All good excuses for my moodiness, I guess. Doesn't seem to make me less moody, though.

Y'all have anything to snap you out of the crankies? (Carbs, unfortunately, are out, but I'm open to other suggestions!)

*obviously not all my students are naughty. some even make me awesome facebook groups. but the naughty ones will know who they are because I've never made a secret about their naughtiness. So, students, if I've never personally told you that you're naughty, then I probably like you and you shouldn't worry about it.

**you don't want to know what an NRB is. Seriously. Except for maybe Margie Mills. She might find it amusing and should email me. Everyone else should probably just wipe the acronym directly from their brains.

Um... I didn't teach her that. Did you teach her that?

When I picked Lily up from preschool today, she proudly showed me the Christmas art she'd drawn.

"That's mine!" she said, pointing to the painting on the wall that said 'Lily' on it.

"Yes!" I said. "It is!" Then I turned to leave the classroom.

But Lily reached back and pointed again. "And that one is Ethan's."

I looked, sure enough, she was pointing to one that said "Ethan."

But that wasn't all.

"And that one," she said, "is Koralee's."

Um... I thought. That's weird. It's like she can *read* or something. So I pointed to a random piece of art. "Who's is that?"

She frowned. Then, "C.J." Which was, of course, the right name.

"Who's is that?" I pointed again.


"Who's is that?"


"Who's is that?"


Oh, my, I thought. You're two, Lily. And that is just... sorta creepy.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

This picture is for all my friends in publishing

it's called, "let's all do a chicken (little) dance!"

Things Beauty Queens Say

Miss Provo: "I saw the 'Stepford Wives' yesterday."

Me: "Oh. Did you like it?"

Miss Provo: "Yeah. But it kept reminding me of you and Steve."

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Well, that makes it hard to order a Diet Coke

Guess who we got sat next to at Little America...

The Oedipus Chronicles: Evening Conversation

Steve: "Hey, Sam, come cuddle with daddy and we'll watch a cartoon before bed."

Sam: [shrug] "Thanks, Dad, but I don't really want to cuddle right now."

Steve: "You don't? Why not?"

Sam: "Well, I'd rather cuddle with Mommy."

Steve: "Don't you love Daddy, too?"

Sam: "I guess so... Kind of..."

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Someone tell me...

If Lily is the one rubbing poop into her eyes, why am I the one who wakes up with the infection?!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Monday, December 01, 2008

Just overheard...

Steve: "Lily, NO! Don't touch your eyes!!"

Lily: "NO DADDY!"

Steve: "Lily, listen to Daddy the FIRST TIME!"

Lily: "ARRRRR!"


Lily: "ARRRR! Daddy, you're being MEAN!"