Friday, February 29, 2008

It's official people. The worst air in the entire United States is right here inside my lungs.




It's worse than the air in LA during rush hour.
It's worse than the air below the most polluting coal-fired powerplant.
It's worse than the air next to Sam's bum when he toots (and he's been doing this a lot lately because he has discovered potty humor and can't stop the hilarity)

The newspeople warned us that it might cause burning eyes, scratching thoats, coughing and that you should keep your children inside and not go jogging.

Hehe. I love how they assume that I'm going to be *jogging.* As if.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

My diet has gone to crap in a crap basket

not only did I eat six more of these:


I ate one of these:

And two of these:


And I'm thinking of eating some of this:


And maybe some of this:


And probably six more of these:


I expect this to make me feel:

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

There was a half-eaten, half-smashed oreo half ground into the carpet

and I ate it.

Here are some cute pictures so my mom doesn't get the bad ones stuck in her brain



It's true, Steve is a coldhearted photographer

He takes pictures of the kids crying or whatever. I always hate these pictures and wonder why Steve does it. (Maybe you can tell us, Steve?) My theory is that he finds that there's more artistic integrity involved with taking pictures of people that aren't always smiling and posing. Here's one he took recently of Lily:

Monday, February 25, 2008

That's the last time I listen to *you* people

Sam noticed that his fish was missing. He got a stricken look on his face and asked, "Mommy, what happened to my pet?"

If I had done what I thought I should have done, I would have already bought another identical fish and replaced it before he noticed his fish was gone. But because everyone seemed to think I should tell him about death, I explained, "I'm sorry honey, but your fish died. We can get you another one when you're ready."

Eyes get wider. Face gets even more stricken. "He's dead?"

Steve says, "Yes. He's in fish heaven now."

Silence.

I say, "Do you want another fish?"

Sam shakes his head. Then his eyes well up. And he starts to cry.

He cries for twenty minutes.

I feel like the worst mother EVER.

So, yeah. Thanks for that, people. Thanks.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

WANTED:

This man:


For friggin teaching Lily how to friggin climb out of her friggin crib.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Blinging up Jesus

Anne and May inspired me to make a change in my living room decor.



(Three year old) Sam's (sincere) reaction: "Oh, wow, Mommy. That is so *cute*!"

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Lunar Eclipse tonight!

I think this is the third lunar eclipse this year, but there won't be another full lunar eclipse until 2010. It starts at 6:45 Mountain Time. Hopefully the inversion won't block it...

Sometimes I think it's *alive*



The inversion is upon us.

Remember the dark shadow of evil over planets from "A Wrinkle in Time?" Sometimes, I feel like that's what the inversion is made of.

Monday, February 18, 2008

My one year old is not only psychic and precocious, she's a little creepy

When we drive up to my in-laws house for Sunday dinner every week, we pass a graveyard. Yesterday as we were driving by, we realized something: Every single time we pass the graveyard, Lily starts to sing (unprompted), "Ashes, ashes, ashes, ashes."

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Let's brainstorm good karma

I've decided that I need to reverse the karma in my life. I've been uber cranky for, like, four weeks now.

Any ideas for what to do?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Let's all get fired people!

Not fired up: fired.

Here's what I need. I need creative ways that the (fictional) director of a high school band could go about trying to get fired. Let's say his pension is at stake. Let's say he's got four months to be given the axe or he loses the bulk of his retirement benefits. What should he do?

And remember, he doesn't want to get arrested, just fired.

How white trash am I?

I just took down the Christmas lights in the front yard.

It's February.

And I used a broom.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Writing quote of the day

original source: writer and BYU proffessor, chris crowe
where I found it: in a student paper

"An author's job is to get the protagonist stuck helplessly in a tree; once he's stuck, the author throws stones at him."

You don't look happy

That's what some random stranger of an old man just said to me in the hallway.

Well, here's what I have to say to you random strange old man: bite me. Just friggin bite me.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Do you KNOW what this is?!




It's melting snow.

We hit 45 degrees today.

I'm so happy I could just wet myself.

But now I'm regretting saying that, because my mom will be embarssed for me that I said it.

But what can I do? I've had two babies. I have no bladder control anymore.

On Character Sympathy

I am very resistant to the idea that a character simply cannot be sarcastic and likable at the same time. (Not just because that would invalidate, like, my whole personal persona, though that is obviously a factor! ;-))

So I'm trying to figure out: what makes you like a character? When you're reading a book, what makes you decide to care about what happens to the protagonist? What character traits make you want to throw the book into your nearest toilet?

You don't actually have to be a literature person to answer this. I'm asking anyone who's ever read a book.

The dead fish poll

My three year old (Sam) just got a pet fish and he named him "Sam the Fish."

Unfortunately, the we just found the fish in this state:



Question:

Do we
1) go and get an identical fish from Wal Mart (not hard) and not tell him about it?
2) use this as an opportunity to teach him about death?

What do you think?

Saturday, February 09, 2008

I thought of the best assignment, like, ever

and I'm loving the papers I'm getting.

Assignment: Argument paper
Topic: Sell me the lamest thing you can think of on ebay. Convince me to buy it. Whoever makes the most money gets extra credit.

Check out one of the auctions here:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&&item=160207036397&ssPageName=ADME:B:EF:US:1120

Friday, February 08, 2008

Anyone else as bummed about Mitt as I am?

Cuz I'm really bummed.

Unsympathetic my FRIGGN A&&

Why is it that every single time people find things about my characters that are unsympathetic they are INVARIABLY things that my characters have in common with *me*?

*says "friggin" too much
*gets annoyed with people who are too "nice."
*too sarcastic to be likable
*talks like a dumb blonde when she's really pretty smart
*just too good looking to be true


haha. I made that last one up. No one seems to mind when I make my characters as good looking as I am. ;-)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Just another reason to check your gut, people

Because the Utah Republicans have decided that they will NOT ALLOW any NON-REPUBLICANs to vote in their precious, precious primary, I (non-partisian me)* was handed a Democratic ballot today. Thus, I got to consider the fascinating (no sarcasm intended; I find this entire presidential primary race utterly fascinating) questions relating to the problems of racism versus the problems of sexism.

The radio news dudes have been considering it a lot, too. The other day, there was an entire program on racism and the speaker on the program said, "When you walk into a room, race is the very first thing that you notice."

Which made me think, well, let's consider this idea.

Two scenarios:

One: you walk into a room and meet a man, but you can't tell what race he is.

Two: you walk into a room and you meet someone, but you can't tell what gender they are.

Um...

Which scenario are you going to obsess about?!

However far we have to go with our racism, at least we're aware of it. Dunno if the same thing can be said about our sexism.






*who is pretty happy with whoever anyone votes for as long as it's NOT FRIGGIN HUCKABEE

Monday, February 04, 2008

Lily says "Bite me, world. Just bite me."

Are there any Statisticians who read this blog and can friggin explain this to me?!

I've been sitting in on a Stats 221 class. Most of it is just new terminology for stuff I already knew. But today's lecture blew my mind a bit.

It has to do with probability. We played the game that you can find on this website.

I think I sort of understand. But when I tried to explain the reasons that I thought I understood to the professor, he said I was "prettymuch *mostly* right." But not *totally* right?! And he never really bothered to explain the real reason.

So if you can explain this to me, I will send you a virtual kiss.

Ow. My brain hurts.

Postmodern Primary

Sam started primary (or as he calls it, "kid church") in January. He's not quite used to going yet, so I've been going with him. Thoroughly enjoyable, BTW.

Yesterday:

primary leader: "If Jesus were here, what would you want to ask him?"
boy 1: "How can you kill people with just a slingshot?"
boy 2: "What's it like to not have a single gun?"
boy 3: "And do you really make swords by yourself? And they *work*?"

Then a boy got up to give his testimony. "I know," he says, "That Gordon B. Hinkley" [pause; this is normally where he would have said, "is a prophet"][deep breath] "is dead." [pause again.] "And I know that Heavenly Father" [pause] "is also dead." [pause] "for me." [I think he meant to say that Jesus died for me, but, yanno, whatever.]

Violence and the death of God.

Nietzsche would be proud.