Sunday, August 31, 2008

Lily refuses to be grammatically objectified

One of Lily's favorite thing so do is to look at pictures of herself. So, we were looking at my blog and she was pointing out all of the pictures of herself. When we came to this picture:

I asked her, "Oh, Lily! WHO is Mommy holding?"

She looked at me like, WTH?

So I corrected myself, "I mean, who is LILY holding?"

*That* she accepted.

I don't know what to title this post. It just made me laugh so dang hard.

So, watch this video and then *you* tell me what I should have titled the post.

Sometimes I talk to my kids in Spanish. (Okay, okay. Mostly I just *yell* at them in Spanish.)

So, Sam was dawdling. (what?! Sam?! heh.) We were trying to get back to our car, but he wouldn't keep up with us. He would stop at look at a flower. Wander to the left. Wander to the right. Look around. Shuffle his feet. Etc.

So, Steve turns around and yells: "Vamanos, Sam. Ahorita. VAMANOS."

Sam halts, frowns in confusion and says (half dreamily; half exhaustedly): "But, *Daddies* don't say 'Vamanos!'"

It made me laugh.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

If I were more talented...

not only would I photoshop their photos so seamlessly that you wouldn't be able to tell that their arms really *weren't* around eachother, but I would have them sing a song about the "sisterhood of the travelling pants suits" in amazing, reminiscent-of-vegas-show-girl-kicking, animation that would make you pee your pants laughing.

but I'm not that talented. so this is all you get.

(At least your pants suits are safe from the pee, right?)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

God's Alchemy

I’ve been thinking a lot about my friend Courtney—whose sister Stephanie (Nie-Nie) was in a plane crash—this week. “Friend” seems both strange and not strange to say, actually. Strange because I’ve never actually met Courtney. Not strange because I feel like I have. Intimacy can develop in unexpected ways online—in that strange combination of your private thoughts, written in the privacy of your covered-with-laundry-and-empty-bottles-of-diet-coke bedroom, reaching out to the public of the world and then coming back to you again in private.

The more I think about Courtney and that unexpected sense of intimacy, I can’t help but think about the way that our lives and experiences crisscross each other in circles that overlap just as unexpectedly.

Forty-four years ago my mother was burned in an incinerator explosion—third degree burns extending from her ankles to her elbows. It was an explosion that would have killed any other seven-year-old, if it wasn’t for another unexpected: that my mom had an identical twin. See, skin grafting technology was just in its infancy. The main hurdle to that point: donor skin was rejected and there weren’t anti-rejection drugs. But with an identical twin with identical DNA, the prognosis went from almost certain death to the possibility of recovery. It hadn’t been done before, sure, but maybe it could be done.

That my mother had an identical twin allowed doctors to pioneer burn technology that they had hitherto been unable to develop. And even though she spent months and even her eighth birthday in the hospital (see the picture with her doctor and sister at the hospital birthday party below), she did survive. It was a miracle that no one predicted.

As a little girl, I remember thinking about this bit of synchronicity. I watched my mother put on her makeup and she laughed as she pointed out a freckle on her leg that used to belong to her sister. The windowless bathroom smelled like a mixture of talcum powder and Este Lauder perfume. As the hot rollers popped as they heated up, I remember feeling in complete awe of the existentiality of it all.

I was born because my mother happened to have an identical twin. The freckle that my mom showed me meant that my very existence was linked in a direct line with the existence of my aunt—the unexpected becoming the miraculous.

Forty four years later Nie-Nie and my mother have the same kind of connection to each other. As Nie-Nie recovers in a burn unit that has come so far since my mother’s—and yet, couldn’t have gotten there without her—they have an entanglement of spirit; those ripples of meaning that connect one human to another.

So I’m connected to Nie-Nie, too. And we all end up connected to each other that way. (Never ask for whom the bell tolls, right?) Your pain is my pain is our pain is God’s pain.

I’m not someone who believes that God causes painful things to happen.

(Who would want to believe in a God who would put a 7 year old little girl in the middle of an explosion, or a mother of babies in a plane crash?!)

But I do believe in God’s alchemy.

That whatever crappy awful thing happens, God finds a way to turn it into something miraculous.

Gold from dross, again and again.

The unexpected birthing the beautiful.

One circle of human existence overlapping another’s.

Today has been declared "Nie-Nie Day" in the bloggernacle. Over 90 online auctions (with more than 300 items up for bidding) are being conducted to help raise money for medical costs. Here are two family members of mine conducting some:

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A few more wedding pictures

Sam in Daddy's coat. (It was cold in Oakland. Who knew, right?)

My new favorite picture of my mom and dad.

The pretty lady behind the flowers is my Grandmother. (My kids' Great-Grandmother)

This is my (almost) entire immediate family (brother&new wife, husband, mom and dad, my two sisters, my kids and my sisters kids). The only two not pictured are...

Joel and Ben. (sister's husband and baby)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Pictures from my brother's wedding

If you want to see some pictures that don't have my kids on them (but why would anyone?!), the photographer put some on his website: including, yanno, a few photos of the bride and groom.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Miss Provo Started a Blog!

on with my plans to warp the world one mind at a time...

If swear words bother you, DON'T READ THIS LINK

but it made me and Miss Provo laugh really hard. and I'm really grateful because now I don't have to read Breaking Dawn!! (it's the plot told from Edward's POV)

Sam was supposed to memorize the August Primary Theme and then lead the kids in reciting it at church

And he did really great. Seriously. And, apparently, he is the only kid in the history of primary to actually memorize it. (Does this say something about his intelligence? or does it say something about the water in my neighborhood? you decide.)


the theme was: "I will show my faith in Jesus Christ by being baptized and confirmed."

and Sam's version was: "I will show my faith in Jesus Christ by being baptized and *confused.*"


Saturday, August 23, 2008

Alright, so maybe her fashion sense isn't *that* good

Here's what Miss Provo will look like in her tomb raider costume as she walks around the block eating cheeseburgers with our auction winner!

only older. she was purty durn young in these pictures.

our winning bidder should send his check directly to the Miss USA pageant coordinators. Do specify on/with the check, however, that it's to go to the pageant fees of Kristin Clift (Miss Provo). Thanks to your generous donation, you'll be listed as one of Miss Provo's sponsors!

Casting Crowns Productions, Inc.
28248 N Tatum Blvd.
B-1 Suite 137
Cave Creek, AZ 85331

Anyone else that would like to sponsor Miss Provo is welcome to send a check to the same address. (Also be sure to specify that it's for Miss Provo/Kristin Clift.) Miss Provo might even kiss your cheek for it.

Friday, August 22, 2008

And the winner is...

PhillyCheese! For $210 and a stroll around the block dressed like Laura Croft from Tomb Raider! (Miss Provo dressed that way, of course. PhillyCheese can dress however he wants.)

I'll post the address to send the check to later. (It's to Casting Crowns. Anyone can send a check, actually! I'm sure Miss Provo will negotiate with all the runners up...)

(and the time stamp below is an hour off. I dunno why. ask blogger. but it's ten now.)

Ten minutes to go!

post your bids, people!!

Only ONE HOUR left!!

to bid for Miss Provo's time!

Totally random (published!) sentence of the day!

"She fell in and out of love more often than most people with full-time maids changed their monogrammed hand towels."


I'm not going to name the source. I don't want the author(s) to find my blog by google alert.

PS: there are only about four more hours to bid for Miss Provo's time!

Hey, Mom! It's not your fault that I'm such a liberal heretic!!

My favorite part is when they say that fussy babies respond much better to parenting than mellow babies. (My babies fussed a LOT.) Woo hoo!

Just over 10 hours left if you want to bid for Miss Provo's time!!

The bidding ends at 10PM Mountain time. See the auction here:

Morning Conversation

Me: "Look, Lily, I picked out a whole cute outfit for you!"

Lily: [shakes head][all words are spoken a bit muffled because she refuses to remove her binkie] "No, Mommy. I don't want *those* shoes, I want these *cool* shoes":

Me: "Well, why don't we do your hair?" [I pull out a hair tie]

Lily: [screech] "No, no! Mommy! I don't want THAT one, I want a PINK one!"

Me: "Okay, okay. Let's put on your clothes."

Lily: "Not THOSE clothes. I need PINK pants and that shirt is TOO BIG. I want THESE pants and I want THIS shirt":

The thing is, she actually ended up looking pretty cute.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It looks like a pterodactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park

probably my favorite project runway quote of the season. naw. make that of the whole *show.*

My pet peeve of the day

big a$$ pickup trucks that tailgate me. makes me think lots of bad thoughts about rednecks. and I'm sure all the nice rednecks of the world would rather I didn't stereotype like that. So stopitalreadyyoutailgaters.

My favorite news stories of the day

It turns out that all those people who hate fat people might be more likely to, yanno, DIE. heh.

Puking while pregnant means a girl is more likely Wasn't true for me, but fascinating nevertheless. (I puked 10 months of a 9 month pregnancy and had trouble gaining weight--read: not losing--with Sam; even had a home nurse to give me IV's. Only puked for 5 months with Lily. Then I managed to gain 77 pounds in four months. Dude.)

Those Mormons--because EVeryone knows that there is ABSOLUTELY NO difference between Mormons and Fundamentalist Mormons--are raised to be superfreakykillers. Published by Fox News. Who we all know is run by the Evangelical Mafia. And we all know how Evangelicals feel about Mormons. And don't get me started on the Mormons who think we're basically the *same* as the Evangelicals. (My students can attest to this.)

And this one is just so awesome that that's all I'm going to say.

Miss Provo pointed out that I forgot to put an end date for the auction

So: end date. Let's say this Friday. Aug. 22 at 10 PM. That way if a boy wins and wants to take her out as early as this Saturday, he can.

Oh, and she also wants me to put up a "hotter" picture of her. yeah. OK.

(We were in Texas. It's HOT in Texas. Even at Christmas. My mom used to crank up the air conditioner on Christmas Eve so we could have a fire. And even then we only let it burn like 20 minutes. BTW, she's the youngest. And is it just me or is that Santa really creepy?!)

As promised... Here is Michael's Chicken Dance Video...

Miss Provo won't let me title this post "I'm so desperate that now I'm selling myself!"

But she is. Selling herself, that is. Or, rather, her *time.* (She was very, very clear that she does not want to sell anything "icky," "kinky," or otherwise distrubing and/or gross.) It turns out that trying to be a pageant girl is really expensive and she has to raise, like, $2000 more if she wants to compete come November. So, she asked me if I could host an auction. Highest bidder gets two hours of Miss Provo's time. In this time, Miss Provo is willing to:

1) go out to dinner with you
2) clean your house
3) babysit your children
4) go on a "girl" date (like, to get pedicures or something)
5) write you poetry
6) something else that you think of and she says is OK.

Anyone want to start the bidding? Do it in the comments section. Heck, I'll start the bidding, myself. $10. Probably for babysitting. I might change my mind...

(sorry kick, but if you don't want me to post pictures like that, you shouldn't put them on facebook!!)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Evening Conversation

Husband: "Oh, Wow, Sam. Looks like a great drawing."

Sam: "It's not a drawing. It's a warning."

Husband: "Really? What does it say?"

Sam: "It says, 'beware the moon. the full moon is the sacrifice moon.'"

Dear Google Adsense:

So far you have come up with ads about baby shoes, baby beauty pageants, and how to work from home (exclamation mark). You were *supposed* to tell people who want to know how to build their own windmills where to find out. There are lots of places selling this kind of information:

And the thing is, those were all links I found through google ADS, so I know they're paying you to find the right home.

This is your last warning before I take your ad aWAY.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Sam has come up with the solution to overpopulation

Sam has five aunties. (Kate, Miss Provo, Michelle, Barb, and Cat.) Only one of these aunties has any kids of her own and Sam, frankly, likes the auntieriffic attention. Today Sam and I were discussing the fact that someday his aunties might actually want to have babies of their own, like Auntie Kate.

Says Sam: "But Mommy, can't you tell them?" [he looked distressed AND sincere as he said this] "They don't need to have their *own* babies."

Me: "Why not?"

Sam: "Because, Mommy. Instead of them having their own babies, we can just give them *Lily.*"

Sometimes I think things are hilarious when other people think they're offensive

Like this post over at FMH. It totally *is* offensive. So why is it so funny? Is it funny *because* it's offensive? (Or because I actually know someone who lives in Queensland... Hmm...)

(sorry, that's the biggest Mahana picture google could find!)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

So, speaking of building windmills

This is an article that annoyed me. Especially the line about how he's all disgusted that his father put windmills on his land because "he taught me to respect the land and he goes and does *this*?" (that's a paraphrase because I don't feel like reading the article again.) Uh... because burning thousands of gazillions of gallons of fossil fuels, shows, like, *respect* for the land?!

Also, if anyone feels like shelling out $50 to these people, I sure would like to see if you really can build a wind/solar system for less than $200 and even hook it up to the grid so the power company can pay you. (I just don't particularly feel like gambling $250 that I'll be able to do it. Dad? What about you? You're kinda freakishly good at stuff like that.)

BTW, here's a purty windmill picture I found in the (copyright free!) Wikimedia database. I used it in my tshirt designing frenzy. (Everything is starting to look like a possible tshirt design to me now. I've GOT to stop this cafepress addiction! I've already built THREE stores! Aaahgh!)

Yeah, I'm going all American Capitalist. Sorry.

I added one little ad on the side. It's not that I expect this ad to make me gazillions of dollars. (heh.) It's just that so friggin many people come to this site looking for links about "how to build your own windmill." So, hopefully the google ad people will help them. If not, then I'll take the ad away.

Oh, but if you do want me to make gazillions, buy a windmill watching T-shirt! (Actually, all I'm really hoping for is to make enough to buy myself one... Cafepress is a bad addiction.)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Wow! Now THERE'S a good reason to date someone!!!

I was googling Twilight spoilers because I didn't feel like reading the other three books. I found this utube summary of the first book, which, if I had known about, I totally wouldn't have had to read the book! Ah well. My favorite part, though, was someone's comment down below:

"Though Jacob may be healthier, she can't live without Edward and I think Edward loves her a lot more. I mean **he's gone so long not killing her** " (emphasis mine.)

The thing is, I really think she was being sincere.

Winter may not have ended until mid-June

But today it's officially summer.

I harvested the first tomato from my garden today:

Things Students Will Do for Paper Extensions

wear ties around their heads

paint themselves with self-tanner in STRIPES!

Dress up like Miss Provo. (Isn't she pretty? She really is another beauty queen, it turns out.)

bring massive quantities of food.

lead the class in a cheerful round of aerobics a la Spongebob. (the pillow he's holding.)

Sing songs with a mouth FULL of marshmallows.

You can't completely appreciate the hilarity of this one, but he went outside (with the ties around his head) and did a "Crazy Chicken Dance" while we all watched from the window. All the people on the grass were staring at him, like, WTH?! Could be my personal favorite of all time.
PS: if anyone from class has a picture of Diehl, I accidentally deleted mine and he's SO not getting away without my posting it online!