Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Morning Conversation

Sam: "Mom, why haven't I been going to school?"

me: "Christmas vacation."

Sam: "The thing is... I know that there are a lot of people who miss me if I don't go to school."

me: "I'm sure they're OK. No one is going to school."

Sam: "You don't understand. I have a LOT of fans."

me: "That's true."

Sam: "So I'm going to need to go to school soon. Because it's just not right to disappoint your fans."

me: "It is sort of gauche."

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Lily's Psyche: In which Santa is a creeper who not only stalks small children, but steals their toys.

Scene: the Target Toy Aisle, where we are surrounded by a throng of frazzled parents who resort to jumping over Lily when she throws herself onto the ground on top of the doll that she has decided she needs.

me: "Lily, you need to come over here or I'm going to pick you up and take you to the car on timeout."

Lily: "No! I can't leave without this doll!"

me: "Lily, honey, here's the thing. Christmas is only, like, three days away. There's a really good chance that Santa already has this doll. Or that he's planning on buying it. But if you're naughty, well, you know how that song goes, right? Santa's gonna know."

Lily: "What kind of a man IS that guy?"

me: "One who's gonna know if you don't get up off the floor."

Lily: "Noo! Santa isn't going to get this doll, it's mine!"

me: "Huh?"

Lily: "What is HE going to do with MY TOY? He's OLD. He doesn't NEED MY STUFF."

me: "Huh?"

Lily: "He has plenty of toys. He's not going to have the ones that are MINE!" [Clutches harder at the doll.]

me: "I'm not sure you understand how this works."

Lily: "Santa's not going to get it from me! I won't let go of it!"

Friday, December 18, 2009

things students will do for paper extensions:

decorate our classroom so that it feels more festive:

then decorate themselves. with jewelry made of cereal:

and signs that say things like:

and on the back:

then, once the festive mood has been established, they will sing for us from Handel's Messiah. "Surely he hath borne my griefs" in falsetto.

things students will do for paper extensions:

obtain some sidewalk chalk:

then, under the cover of darkness, create a hopscotch track that extends from the MSRB

all the way to the JSB

and once there? open up a lemonade stand.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Margie Mills reminded me

that it's almost christmas and I haven't posted my favorite christmas picture of all time yet.

Sam used to do baby sign language. this is him doing the sign for "help."

I know I post it every year, but I can't help myself cuz it's too fantastic.

(and to any interested parties--and by this I primarily mean a grandma or maybe two--I made it into an ornament here.)

Things students will do for paper extensions:

paint self-portraits out of ketchup,

adorn their windows with the words, "SWILUA, aka Professor Spencer, is the greatest teacher in the entire world!!!"

and leave notes and gifts for people in SWILUA's name. Merry Christmas from the sort-of-like-a-Greek-goddess!

My feelings about cooking

are nicely summed up by this napkin I stole from Louise's house.

hallelujah for kindred souls.

So, this morning's nightmare

is a direct result of my having watched the season finale of Dexter.

so, just in case you are thinking of watching it, be warned: you may never sleep again.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Things students will do for paper extensions:

explain to us all the REAL reason behind global warming... in Spanish with their mouths taped shut

wear their hair like Shirley Temple

give us a projector show of their baby pictures

eat a full piece of pizza with a full cup of applesauce dumped on top

lead the class in some yoga and pilates; aka "yogalates"

bake a SWILUA sculpture with eerie likeness

kiss the ground SWILUA walks on

and dress like... this.

Things students will do for paper extensions:

Make rap music videos about SWILUA.

Things students will do for paper extensions:

pretend to be engaged for a week.

wear really awesome dredlocks

with a pink tutu.

and paint pretty pictures out of various edible sauces. (smells yummy. like hot dogs mixed with chocolate.)

How many days later is it?

"SWILUA on the Shoulders of Giants" is still happily resting on Karl's book.

Do any watchers profess to be experts on quantum mechanics?

Cuz in the nightmare that just woke me up, this creepy man was talking about how the world is going to end today and it supposedly had something to do with quantum mechanics.

I'm hoping it has more to do with my giving two final exams in a row and the semester being over, but, yanno, you can never be too sure about these things.

Things students will do for paper extentions:

write love letters to Brad Pitt:

Dear Brad,

I just want to say that I am completely in love with you, and I wish that I could have your children. You are beautiful. I have watched every single one of your movies about a hundred times, and I fall in love with you more every time. Let’s just say my boyfriend is not too happy every time he sees your face on television.

You are a brilliant actor, and a brilliant man. Although I am sad with your break up with sweet Jen, I wish you and Angelina the best. Although this letter is for a better grade, I wished to confess my love.

All the best,


Saturday, December 12, 2009

How to determine when it's time to stop showing the kids Parkour videos and to start cleaning your house:

Somebody give that kid a dollar.

me: "Okay, well, it's like almost 10AM. We should all get out of bed now." [Among other reasons, the bed is just not big enough for four of us.]

Steve: [groans]

Sam and Lily: [screech with laughter and start jumping around.]

me: "Should we go shopping today? Finish buying presents?"

Sam: "Oh, Mommy. I don't need any more presents."

me: "Huh, what?"

Sam: "I already have the best present of all: you as a mom."

Steve: "Oh, that's so sweet. Kerry, would you pass me some insulin?"

Sam: "Let's all take a group hug!"

ps: Sam was totally sincere; he's five and doesn't understand sarcasm yet. plus he hasn't had grad school erode his heart like Steve.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

In which I reluctantly allow my daughter to (grammatically) objectify herself.

Lily: [tug][tug] "What's with your shirt?"

me: "Huh?"

Lily: "It's *daddy's* shirt."

me: "Yeah, I stole it."

Lily: "Oh. Well, I'd like you to pick me up, Mommy."

me: "What did you say?"

Lily: "I said I. want. you. to. pick. me. up. So you can hold me and carry me to the car?"

me: [think: OMG, that is the first time in her entire life that I've heard her use the correct subject/object distribution in that phrase.][start to get weepy because I liked the old way.][and because it means she's growing up.][which means I'm getting old.]

Lily: "Well?"

me: [refrain from asking her to re-state it as, 'Mommy, I want to hold you' or 'Mommy I want to pick you up.'] "Okay."

At first, I thought Sam was just bringing home someone else's homework.

Then I realized, "Leumas? Who names their kid Leumas?" And the handwriting did sort of look like Sam's, if a bit messier than normal. So I thought, "Maybe it's like a superhero? One I haven't heard of? Maybe one Sam made up? He *is* creative that way..."

but Sam explained, "It's my name, Mommy. I was just feeling a little backwards today."

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Just FYI

the Karl-statue addition ("SWILUA on the Shoulders of Giants") is still up. apparently, it has frozen to the original metal.

Things students will do for paper extensions:

attempt to kiss Karl's feet.

use lipstick in the place of eyeliner.

drink a full glass of pickle juice.

Things students will do for paper extensions:

brave frozen snot in the name of zen.

read love poetry they wrote in high school.

rock leather pants.

Maybe another sign we should move to LA?

This morning, in the space of time it took me to get from my (super sexy) minivan to the edge of the parking lot, I started having a really hard time breathing. And I realized: my snot? It was frozen.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Just overheard...




Sam: "Oh, wow, Lily. You are so strong."


Sam: "... and so busted..."

Look what Google can find you!

A picture of that crown in action...

Things students will do for paper extentions:

wear (actual) Miss America crowns (circa the 1980's and from a maternal source). then they will wave for us.

challenge another (paper-extension-needing) student to a marshmallow eating contest. winner = 27 marshmallows in her mouth at once. (second place: 24 marshmallows.)

lick the wall

stand next to Karl and erect a hand-made addition (complete with erection ceremony)(he brought tissues for when we got weepy): a statuette of SWILUA, "standing on the shoulders of giants." ps: I actually did get weepy for half a second; but that might have been snow in my eyes, hard to tell.

wear footie PJ's all day. with pride.

walk around with signs on their backs:

Things students will do for paper extentions:

stand right behind someone studying and creepily stare at them. (look closely at the shadowy figure in the window and you'll see...)

Things students will do for paper extentions:

distribute SWILUA pass along cards