Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Overheard from the pool

Lily: "It's cold! The water is COLD!"

Sam: "It's OK, Lily. I figured out a way to make the water warmer..."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Lily: Master of the Third Option, or, Not-a-Victim-of-the-False-Dilemma-Fallacy (in spite of our best efforts)

me: "Lily, do you want to wear the pink shirt, or the yellow shirt?"

Lily: "The red one."

me: "Okay, the red one, then. Oh, look, it has Elmo on it. Is Elmo your favorite Sesame Street Character? Or is it Zoe?"

Lily: "It's Cookie Monster. Yumyumyumyum."

me: "Yeah, I like Cookie Monster. Come here so we can put this shirt on."

Lily: [ignores me.]

me: "I said come here. We need to put your shirt on."

Lily: [still ignores me.]

me: "Lily, you can either come here, or you can go on time out."

Lily: [looks at me briefly, then runs away.]

me: "or that."

Oh, geez.

looks like I posted stuff while I was on Ambien. (Even found my way to Poll Daddy! Impressive!)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Gosh, yeah! If you got a boob job and lost fifty pounds, you know who you'd look just like?!

Someone said I looked like a celebrity today, but it weirded me out because, well, what does that mean?! Granted, famous people are generally pretty good looking. But anyone who's gone to a Marilyn look-alike contest knows that you can look a lot like someone without actually being good looking. It's a conundrum. So is it a compliment when someone says you look like a celebrity? or not?

And as long as we're doing polls, there are three people that people tell me I look like. Which one do you think is the most accurate?

(Bonus points for correctly naming the person the physical therapist said I looked like today.)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

In which we are visited by the spirit of hip hop

Sam: [from the backseat of the car] "Bow chica chica chica bow wow. chica chica chica woot woot! woot woot!"

Steve: "What's going on back there, buddy?"

Sam: "Chica chica mhm. mhm. mhm. Chica woot woot!" [takes a breath.] "I can't help it Daddy. It's because my hat is on backwards. It just... *changes* me."

Me: [laughing]

Sam: "Who let the dogs out?! Mhm. Mhm mhm mhm mhm. Woot woot!"

Lily: [doing a 3yo version of the eyeball roll. Then joining in because it was hard not to.] "WOOT!"

how to tell whether or not your manuscript will be published:

the publishometer.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sam makes a prophecy

Lily: [explaining to me why her stuffed monkey should be able to go to bed in her place.]

me: [ignoring her.]

Sam: [lying on the floor by Steve's side of the bed, out of sight.][speaking in a low, booming voice.] "Kerry, Kerry. This is Heavenly Father."

me: "Huh, what?"

Sam: [still talking in the low voice] "This is Heavenly Father talking and I'd like to give you a message."

me: "Okay. What's your message?"

Sam: "behold! the holy ghost will come down! and it will say, 'listen to your daughter!'"

me: "Fascinating."

Sam: "Also, Sam would like a TV in his own room."

me: "Also fascinating."

Sam: "Yes. He tells me it would make it much easier to watch his own shows that way."

me: "Noted."

Sam explains to me the plot of Pixar's "Up"

Sam: "Okay, well, here's the story. There was a brother and a sister, but they didn't know they were brother and sister, so they fell in love.

"But when they got married, they couldn't have any babies. Because they were brother and sister."

me: "This story is starting to sound like another story."

Sam: "It's a very old story, Mom."

me: "Well, tell me the rest."

Sam: "Okay, well, they were married without babies. And then, the sister, well, she died. And the brother was very sad."

me: "she died?"

Sam: "Totally crazy, right?!"

[funniest part: I didn't know he was telling me his version of "up" until after he was done telling me the story.]

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Have you noticed that Sam has been talking to me a lot lately?

He has. He'll come up to me and say, "Why don't we light some candles and talk?" Or sometimes he'll just come up to me mid-whatever-I'm-doing (insert whatever inappropriate and/or non-conducive-to-chatting moment here you want)and start saying stuff to me. Apparently, he's got a lot on his mind.

Last night:

Sam: "Mom, right now my name is Sam S."

me: [trying to figure out how much of Lily's diarrhea got on the bed] "mmm-hmm."

Sam: "But when I grow up, I think I'll need a different name--to show that I've grown up."

me: [tossing some stuff off the bed for a better look] "Don't you like your name?"

Sam: "Oh, yes. It's nice. But when you grow up your name should *show* that you've grown up."

me: "Oh."

Sam: "I think when I get married is when I'll do it. I'll change it to my wife's name."

me: [confused because I did read that whole debate on FMH a few weeks ago about men taking their wife's last name, but did I mention that out loud ever (I don't remember having done this) or did he just read my mind?]

Sam: "Okay, well, I just thought you should know."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Evening Conversation: Sam gets deep

Sam: "Mommy, there's something I don't understand."

me: "What is it, baby?"

Sam: "Don't call me baby. I'm practically a man, remember?"

me: "Oh, my bad."

Sam: "Okay ... well... Why am I REAL? There's imaginary, and then there's REAL, and I never chose. I just had to be real. Why?"

me: [pause] "No idea, honey."

Sam: "Mommy." [reprimanding tone] "Why do you call me honey? I'm not honey. I'm almost a MAN."

me: "Again, my bad."

Sam: "And you know what's really crazy?"

me: "What?"

Sam: "I can't see my own face! It doesn't make sense! I can see your face, Daddy's face, Lily's face. Everyone's face. But I can't see my own! I can't see my own eyeballs, my own nose, my own mouth. It's not fair!"

me: "I guess it's a good thing we have mirrors."

Sam: "Yeah. So I can make silly faces and see them."

Always a good sign on the morning you have jury duty

My horoscope today said, "You ought to be able to talk your way out of almost anything right now."

thank goodness. I was done by ten.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sam makes an announcement

Sam: [angry--writing something on a post-it]

Me: "Whatcha writing there?"

Sam: "You're the one who can spell. You tell me."

Me: "It looks like you're trying to write 'I'm leaving.' Are you leaving?"

Sam: "Yes. I am DONE with this place."

Me: "Why? You angry?"

Sam: "I'm VERY angry."

Me: "Why?"

Sam: "Lily won't stop screaming! She screams and screams all the time! She screams for no reason! I just can't TAKE it anymore!"

Me: "Ah, yes. I know how you feel. But where are you going to move?"

Sam: "Into my own apartment."

Me: "Your own apartment?"

Sam: "I've already set it up."

Me: "And where is this apartment?"

Sam: "In your car. I took a towel and I made myself a bed so I can sleep. It's very nice there. Quiet."

Me: "What will you do if you need to use the restroom? Or eat?"

Sam: [shrugs and glares at me] "Stop making this difficult."

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Research assistants: I miss you.

I only had funding to pay my research assistants for a month and it turns out I'm a wreck without them! My house is a mess, thank you gifts are all over my bedroom floor instead of in the mail, and there's no one to say, "How much have you got done now?" and thus keep me actually working instead of engaging in procrastinative activity. When I'm a millionaire (from all those google ads. I'm up to $1.70!), I'm going to hire all six of you back.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

To everyone I emailed last night after 11--the semi-coherent and rambling messes of verbiage complete with reference to fairy-bugs & "computer-flies"

I'm sorry. I have no memory of it. (Like, absolutely NONE.) In the future, I'll keep my computer in another room so I can't reach from my bed and start typing after I've gone to bed.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Sam took this picture with my cell phone

He told me that he wanted me to have a picture of his smile to have with me all the time because it always makes me so happy.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Sam makes a decision

Sam: "Mom, I've decided to become a Separatist."

me: "huh, what?"

Sam: "A Separatist. When I grow up."

me: "What do you mean by that?"

Sam: "I'm not entirely sure. But here's the thing..."

me: "ok..."

Sam: "I've been really worried about who I'm going to marry."

me: "really?"

Sam: "I really think this is a decision I should make before I turn six. I thought maybe I'd make it when I was six, but I don't think I should wait that long."

me: "um... ok..."

Sam: "I have it narrowed down to three girls: Natalie, Cassie, and Haley."

me: "why them?"

Sam: "Well, they're all very nice to me."

me: "I guess that's a good way to choose someone."

Sam: "The question is which one?"

me: "Maybe you should talk to them about it?"

Sam: "That's a good idea." [thinks it over.]

me: "... so... that's why you're going to be a Separatist?"

Sam: "Maybe I should become a scientist instead."

me: "Scientists probably have better health coverage..."

Steve is going to love this...

I think my favorite is the content notice at the bottom:

The Bible contains material some may consider morally objectionable and/or inappropriate for children. These labels identify stories containing:

= nudity = sexual content = violence = cursing

Wednesday, July 01, 2009