Things Beauty Queens Say

Miss Provo: "Why is Russia invading Georgia?! The worst thing it ever did was be next door to Alabama!"

Things Cousins of Beauty Queens Say

Cousin of Beauty Queen: "So, what are you, like, what's it called? Major? What are you majoring in?"

Miss Provo: "Archeology."

COBQ: "Oh. Archeology. So... You... look at stars and stuff?"

(At least he's cute, right?)

Someday Blogger will decide that I'm allowed to post videos

And you'll be able to really enjoy things, like, the songs students write about commas and then perform on their green guitars.

("Do you believe in commas?" yeah. I do. Blogger doesn't, apparently.)

Things Students Will Do for Paper Extensions

Some girls look pretty good in four inch heels, though

Things not to say to the Six Foot Tall Bridesmaid who is not only the oldest bridesmaid there but who was forced to wear FOUR inch heels

1) "Well, Kerry! You look like you've finally aged a little bit!"



2) "Who are you? You're, like, HUGE!"



(And no, sadly, I am not wearing nylons. My legs are just THAT WHITE.)

It turns out that there are reasons besides the risk of mortal peril that you should not leave your baby unattended in the bathtub

Like when your baby is a freakofnature genius. and when you leave her alone for TWO minutes, manages to:

1) locate a bottle of bubble bath
2) unscrew the lid
3) figure out how to increase the water turbulance so as to make bubbles; LOTS of bubbles.
4) calculate the maximum volume of bubbles required to make you freak out
5) laugh at you when said freaking out commences

Hardy Harr Harr, Steve

Steve: "Hey, Kerry, do you know why Tigger is so gross?"

Me: "No, Steve."

Steve: "Because he plays with Pooh all day."

yeah, I'm THAT Molly

me: "Hey baby Sam"

Sam: "I'm not a baby."

me: "What would you like for dinner?"

Sam: "A cheese and lettuce sandwich."

me: "What a coincidence! Two months ago I foresaw this very conversation and cultivated a garden with lettuce in it just so that it would be ready for us to pick and eat tonight!"

Sam: "Can I pick it?"

me: "Yes."

Lily's version of the alphabet

"q, r, A$$!!" [breath] "t, u, v" [breath] "I want my mommy in a TREE!"

Opinion Poll!

Is it ever okay for a 20-year-old to date a 35 year old man?

Even if he happens to be a doctor?

Who looks like this?

(And, yes, that's his REAL picture. Apparently, in addition to being a doctor, he is also a part-time male model.)

(And no, the 20 year old is not me. Thanks for thinking I'm that young, though.)

Kinda makes you want to become an artist, right?

Check out this site.

Next time you don't want to get up in the morning...

read this blog.

(you can read abut the whole fascinating project here.)

My number one fear:

Not death. Not taxes. Not even public speaking. (I actually kinda like to force large groups of people to listen to me.)

I am afraid to call people on the phone. It makes me sweat. It keeps my visiting teaching from getting done. It keeps me from going out to dinner with people. It even keeps me (gasp!) from eating pizza.

What are you all afraid of?

Lily's thoughts on friendship

Lily: "Friends bite you."

[pause; contemplaive look.]

Lily: "No, No, Friends!"

Sad Facts Learned from Today's Research

63.94%
of books sell only as well as their marketing predicts

16.83%
of books sell better than their marketing predicts

19.23%
of books sell worse than their marketing predicts

Kristin would like me to tell you all

that I totally take her quotes out of context.

which might be true.

or might not.

you decide.

Things Beauty Queens Say

Miss Provo: "So, I totally had this dream that I was floating in the ocean."

Me: "Oh?"

Miss Provo: "And there was a shark there, and he was my boyfriend. He was really sweet, though."

Me: "Oh?"

Miss Provo: "And when I woke up, I was really sad that he wasn't my boyfriend!"

Me: "Oh?"

Miss Provo: "And then I found out it was Shark Week on Discovery channel and I realized that I'm totally psychic."

Me: "Oh?"

Miss Provo: "Will you record Shark Week for me?"

Things Beauty Queens Say

Me: "Why don't you spend the night at my house tonight? Since you don't have air conditioning at yours?"

Miss Provo: "Because I can't."

Me: "Why?"

Miss Provo: "Because I can't go to the gym without my eyebrows."

Me: "Huh?"

Miss Provo: "I can't go *anywhere* without my eyebrows. Not to the gym, not to the grocery store. Nowhere."

Me: [?!][silence][?!]

Miss Provo: "Seriously. I can't be SEEN without my eyebrows."

She was the reason I played the bassoon

Christina was so good at the flute that it was legendary. They said she was completely unbeatable in a challenge and every time I heard her play, I agreed. I had never heard someone play an instrument so well in my life. (And she was so nice that you couldn't even hate her for it; all you could do was listen in awe.)

So when I started high school and knew I'd be in the same band as she was, I was completely intimidated. I had been first chair flute in junior high and thought I was pretty dang good. But I wasn't Christina good.

Which is why I decided to switch to the bassoon. Just couldn't handle the idea of trying to compete, I guess.


But I loved the bassoon.


It was unique and it was a challenge and the junior bassoon player named Tristan I sat next to was totally cute. I got into every honor band and the highest BYU audition bands without even trying. (My BYU audition? "Uh, what instrument do you play? Oh, the bassoon? Yeah, that was your audition. You're in.")

So thanks for that tiny little bit of joy in my life, Christina. Maybe the smallest good thing to come from your life, but nevertheless appreciated.

The world truly is a bleaker place without you.

Christina Yu: 1978-2008

My baby is not only a friggin genius, she's, like, a friggin *artist*

There were some flip flops on sale for fifty cents, so I bought them and then gave them to Lily along with a tube of paint. (Pink paint, of course. Lily thinks that pink is the ONLY color worth loving.)

This was what she created:

My red neck neighborhood is starting to rub off on me

I am seriously (yes, actually seriously) thinking of getting a pair of these, just so I can manage to keep my lawn mowed:

anyone feel like talking me out of it?