Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Send out your cyber-prayers!

My little Oedipal buddy is having surgery tomorrow.

Totally routine, totally minor.

I'm still a wreck.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Yeah, yeah. We know it's petty.

when me and my sister kate were younger, we used to collect pictures of Miss Provo that were bad. see, she's always been freakishly photogenic and we... have not.

so I think, kate, that you might like this picture the way I do.

We've been adopted

This kitty showed up on our front porch a few weeks ago and has since refused to leave.

Lily named him "Puppy."

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Morning Conversation

Steve: "Hey, Lily, who's this?" [points to Lily]

Lily: "'s me!"

Steve: "Who's watching TV?"

Lily: "Sam!"

Steve: "Who's this?" [points to me]

Lily: "Mommy!"

Steve: "Who's this?" [points to himself]

Lily: [furrowed brow, lowered voice] "Angry in the house."

Friday, September 26, 2008

Apples... Trees...

The Oedipus Chronicles

Sam: "Oh, Mommy. You are so sweet."

me: "Thanks, buddy."

Sam: "And you are so beautiful."

me: "Aw. Thanks, buddy."

Sam: "I think I'd like you to be my wife."

me: "Oh, that's nice, baby. But I can't be your wife because I'm your mommy."

Sam: "But I want to be your wife!"

me: "You mean husband?"

Sam: "No, wife."

me: "I think you meant husband."

Sam: [sigh] "Let's just get this taken care of. C'mon."

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Friday, September 19, 2008

Someone needs to tell Barney

that his attempt at gender neutral language is appreciated, though it is so forced as to sound... awkward.


1) english is an ordinally hierarchical language and, thus, "his or her," while seemingly PC on the surface, actually implies a hierarchy with "his" being above "her."

2) grammar is fluid and goes to usage. thus, it has become not only PC but *grammatically acceptable* to say "everyone is special in *their* own way." "Their" being an acceptable gender-neutral single pronoun. (Actually has been since Jane Austen, apparently.)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Prayer Rock Part Three

When cleaning up this morning, I found the following little poem that, I assume, was given to Sam with his prayer rock:

to translate becuz the image is fuzzy:

I'm your little prayer rock and this is what I'll do
Just put me on your pillow till the day is through
Then turn back the covers and climb into your bed
and WHACK... your little prayer rock with hit you on your head.
Then you will remember as the day is through
To kneel and say your prayers as you wanted to,
Then when you are finished just dump me on the floor,
I'll stay there through the night-time to give you help once more.
When you get up the next morning CLUNK... I stub your toe
So you will remember your prayers before you go.
Put me back upon your pillow when your bed is made,
And your clever little prayer rock will continue in your aid.
Because your heavenly Father cares and loves you so,
He wants you to remember to talk to him... you know.

Here's what I have to say:

1) Creep. E.
2) Sam's version was actually amazingly close.
3) Is anyone else disturbed by how the poem is both violent and singsongy all at once?
4) And why does God sound so mean? Almost gleeful to punish you when you forget to pray?
5) And don't get me started on the rhyme scheme.

I think I actually had a prayer rock as a little kid. I don't remember having the creepy poem to go with it, though. Fascinating.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Okay, I guess sometimes dreams are useful

We bought the kids a set of those "car dvd" players so that we could drive to CA for my brother's wedding and not lose our minds.

Well, they love them. So much.

But last week, Lily's stopped working. We told her, "that's what you get for kicking it so much!" because she does kick it too much. She has some rage issues.

Then a few nights ago, I dreamed that if I messed with the voltage input, I might be able to get it to work again. When I woke up, I said, "yeah, whatever. I don't even know what that MEANS!"

But when Lily was kinda sad about her little DVD player, I felt so bad that I thought, "maybe I can try to figure it out..."

So I messed with the voltage. I figured out how to vary the voltage input. And LO AND BEHOLD, the DVD player WORKED again!

Sam was so happy he giggled and said, "Oh, Mommy. You're so FIXABLE."

"Heh." I thought. "I wish."

Now, can you tell which ones are the babies and which one is the dog?

Because I couldn't tell until I pulled rightupontotheguy'sbutt at the drive-through window.

Which I found disturbing.

Monday, September 15, 2008

one of the benefits of being old like me

is *supposed* to be that you don't do stupid things like slam your fingers in the door.

@#$%^& it all to heck

Prayer Rock Update

This morning Sam woke up, found the prayer rock at the bottom of his bed and said, "Mommy! The rock didn't cut my foot up like it was supposed to!"

me: "but did you remember to pray?"

[confused look] Sam: "I guess I did now."

me: "you didn't want the rock to cut you up anyway."

Sam: "no, I didn't."

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Things you learn in Sunbeams

Sam rushed over to me after church today. "Mommy, Mommy! Look at this!" He held up a rock half the size of his head.

"Wow!" I said. "that's a big rock!"

Sam said, "Do you know what you do with this?"

"No. What do you do?"

"Well, you hit yourself on the head with it. And then, after your head splits open, you throw it at your feet. And then, it lands on your toe and you scream and your toe gets all bruised. Then you throw it on the floor. Then you PRAY!"

New Sitemeter Makes me Cranky

Maybe I just haven't figured it out yet, but I used to be able to spy on my site MUCH better. And I really LIKED it. Now I'm just getting cranky because it's a whole lot harder to link IP addresses to cities and to track who's on the site. Good for you, hard for obsessive-me. ARCHGH!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Have you ever wondered what your name would be if Sarah Palin was your mama?

Now you can find out!!

On The Palin Name Generator!

(My name would have been "Mullet Troll Palin")

Apparently, I'm embarassing

Miss Provo is working on a reality show knock-off of "The Hills," called, "The Mountains."

So I had her to dinner while they filmed.

"But Kerry," she said, "we had to cut you out of it."

Me: "Why?"

Miss Provo: "Because every single time you opened your mouth, it was totally inappropriate. We can't put that kind of stuff on TV! I'm Miss Provo!"

More midnight crazies

I'm driving toward a mountain when suddenly the moon starts zigging crazy across the sky and I think... "Hmmm.... gravitational anomaly... Dang it! That stupid super conductor really did make a black hole and now we only have 50 days to live!!" So I drive home and watch a big plane crash and then turn into a fire monster and casually think, well, I hope the boys get out of the house! And I go to pick up Lily. But if the world is really going to end, I think I'd better have a red dress. So I stop at my favorite store and look for bargains because the dollar sux right now. But as soon as I get a very unflattering-but-I-had-to-buy-it-because-apparently-it-was-what-my-mom-was-wearing-when-she-got-married-red-dress, my lower back starts throbbing and I go, "Oh, *&^%$, I'm in labor. Perfect timing."

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sad News For Our Pillownaut Friends


here's to hoping everyone makes it out OK!

Any Shaman's Out There?

Because my dreams lately have been WACKED.

For example, last night, I dreamed that I went to church in Paris, where they talked about sex instead of Jesus and then they put my baby in a casserole dish of rice and paraded her around the room. I turned to my friend, Janet, who had super thick hair down to her butt and was two and a half months pregnant (both things surprising for those who know her) and we just shook our heads and said, "Oh, my. That is strange. Well, should we go make jewelry in the bathroom?" Which we did. While I told her about my train trip through Germany's Rain Forest.

Then, like most mornings, the dream ended suddenly when a real-life baby butt landed on my face and a binkie-faced Lily hit my head with the TV remote and said, "Mommy, wake up. I want to watch Caillou."

For those who aren't familiar with Caillou, it is the brain child of a seriously warped Canadian (not all Canadians are warped, of course; but this one sure is) who decided to try and convince all the children of the world that tantrum throwing and crazy whining will be rewarded with fun crafts!



Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I just feel like posting a ton of super cute pictures of my fam. that's all.

So, who was it that decided tapered pants should come back in fashion?!

they weren't cute in the 80's and they're not cute now.

(and someone needs to tell my students this.)

Sometimes I steal things from my students

their names, most often. If I need to name a character, I browse through all my rolls (past and present) and see if I like any names.

Today, I found my ultimate, absolute, forever favorite last name:


Real name. REALLY awesome.

Things Beauty Queens Say

Miss Provo: "So, this guy hit on me like two weeks ago, and he was really rich."

Me: "Rich is nice."

Miss Provo: "But I just wasn't attracted to him! Which really disappointed me because I've always *wanted* to be a gold digger." [sigh] "I guess I just can't pull it off."

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Miss Provo's Future

(thanks for the picture, Barb!)

So, the world might end tomorrow

Because if I learned one thing from the Advanced Science Writing class I taught this summer, it's that scientists are always saying disturbing things like, "Well, truth is I don't know how this works," or "Well, we can't be *entirely* sure that this won't create a black hole..." and you should prettymuch be terrified ALL THE TIME.

My plan is to spend tonight eating an entire box of Krispy Cremes and then to run around my backyard in my underwear (just because I can).

What's your plan?

Monday, September 08, 2008

My Son: Oedipus

Sam: "Oh, Mommy. I sure love you."

Me: "I love you, too, baby boy."

Sam: "I love every PART of you. I love you hair and your eyes and your hands..."

Me: "Wow!"

Sam: "...and your arms and your knees and your ears..."

Me: "Wow!"

Sam: "and how you bring me chocolate milk, and your belly button, and your elbows."

Me: "Wow!"

Sam: "Can we cuddle?"

Me: "Sure. Do you want to watch TV while we cuddle?"

Sam: "No."

Me: "What do you want to do, then?"

Sam: "I'd just like to talk."

Me: "Okay. What would you like to talk about?"

Sam: [adoring look] "You, Mommy. I'd just like to talk about *you.*"

Banner I saw at lunch time

Apparently, for people who drink neither coffee nor alcohol, 8PM is VERY late. Worthy of a banner, at least.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

James and the not-so-giant peach

our two year old peach tree sprouted peaches for the first time this year and today we harvested them. about a dozen tiny little peaches. but they tasted just like candy.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Totally my favorite blog comment of the day

"Of COURSE Mormons can be Democrats. As long as they're not practicing then it's not a sin."

(from seriouslysoblessed. I'm seriously laughing at that one.)

On Persona

We talk about "persona" in my writing class. It usually takes students a minute to grasp what it means, but it usually helps them when I say, "Your *person* is who you *are.* Your *persona* is who a stranger reading your facebook page *thinks* you are." An author chooses to reveal or not reveal certain kinds of information about herself, and the information is not always reliable, comprehensive, or even honest.

I thought I had a pretty good concept of persona. (Better than my students, at least. Right?) But then yesterday, I was reading this blog. When the author revealed information about herself, I thought it was reliable. (And if you want to know, I was DEEPLY, DEEPLY distressed.) But then I found out that the subject (the person I thought was the author, herself) of the blog is a completely fictional character. (This is when I started laughing.)

It made me rethink my gut idea about persona. Because it turns out that when people tell me who they are (like on a blog), I automatically *believe* them. It's my default position.

But persona is a poetic construction manipulated for rhetorical goals. (not always in a bad way--like your resume; you want it to make you look good, but you don't want to be found out as a fraud, so you usually choose stuff that is both true *and* flattering.)

But who you are and who people *think* you are... well, those are completely different people.

So, Miss Provo, when did Miss USA start allowing water bras?

maybe it was because they liked the idea of a built-in fire extinguisher.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Dr. Canada! I forgot to tell you this joke while you were in town!

(courtesy of my bff)

there was a surgeon who died and walked up to the gates of St. Peter.

St Peter: "You can't come in here yet: you need to go wait at the end of the line."

the surgeon looked back at the really long line and said, "but I'm a surgeon, I don't wait in lines!"

St Peter: "Sorry, you have to wait in line."

Just then a man wearing surgical scrubs walked right up to the gate, waved at St. Peter and walked through.

Dead Surgeon: "How come THAT surgeon doesn't have to wait in line?"

St Peter: "Oh, that guy?" Shrug. "He's not really a surgeon."

Dead Surgeon: "yes he was! And he just got to walk in!"

St Peter: "No, that was God. Sometimes he likes to play surgeon."

The bumper sticker on the Palin car

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Dear Students

My sister informs me that I did not have a chili pepper on ratemyprofessor.com and that she had to add one herself.

I think I am hot enough to deserve a chili pepper that is *not* from my sister.

Please accommodate this.

Thank you.

Things Beauty Queens Say

Miss Provo: "Kerry I'm so excited! My passport just came in! Now I can go to New York!"