Proctor and Gamble Take Note:

my students are writing (pretty impressive!) songs about Kellogg's Special K. students will say it's for a paper extension. Kellogg's will call it "viral marketing." either way, you should probably watch out.

Why we need to stop going to Burger King:

the following two numbers have a relationship that takes the form of an exponential equation:

x: 72 (the number of papers I graded today)

y: 459 (the number of carbs I ate today)

10 points for determining the correct form, utilizing basics of linear algebra.

Oh, geez. Students: you have NO SHAME

when it comes to grades. you have absofrigginlutely no. shame. at. all.

Would you pay $65 for this?!

one of my students just sold it on eBay to someone in CA for $65.

next semester I'm going to have to institute some sort of royalty policy on my eBay assignment...

woot! another only at BYU moment!

this post.

BYU moment!

Today I read a paper about this painting.

Do with that what you will.

Why Sam Rocks

because he dances to the music in *my* head



(I was listening to music in my headphones when he came in dancing and I took this. Turn on some Coldplay if you want to re-create the whole experience.)

(P.S.: if you didn't know, Sam already has quantifiable psychic powers. At least when it comes to things Oedipal.)

Things students will do for paper extensions

bring cookies



and wear mismatching shoes all day

Apparently, avoiding sacrilege isn't nearly as important to BYU students as their grades are: Things students will do for paper extensions

they will recite the YW theme in a high voice


they will sing "As sisters in Zion" while they pass out cookies


they will perform a rap about the Honor Code



and also sing Elmo potty songs (not exactly sacrilege, but still sort of hilarious)

Monies, Things, and Costumes: An Exegesis on Gender and Developmental Fiscal Philosophy

Lily: "You know what I want? I want monies. I want lots and lots and lots of monies."

Steve: "Well, you know, that's why daddies go to work. They do a job and they get paid."

me: "That's why mommies go to work, too."

Steve: "Oh, yeah. I guess some mommies work, too."

Lily: "I just want monies. I want them SO BAD. I just want to go to the store and buy monies."

me: "Sounds like you should be a stockbroker."

Steve: "Why don't we brainstorm the kinds of things you can do for money when you grow up?"

Lily: "I want LOTS AND LOTS of monies."

Steve: "By the time you grow up, there will probably be lots of jobs in the financial sector [since, yanno, there aren't any now]"

Lily: [grunt.]

me: "Or you could go into Cardiology. You won't have much of a life, but maybe you won't like people anyway and won't want one."

Lily: [grunt] "Maybe I only need ONE money."

Steve: "You could be an artist. They get money every now and then."

me: "And you DO like to draw all over the walls and furniture."

Lily: [thinks] "No, I can't be an artist."

me: "Why not?"

Lily: "Because only boys can be artists. Girls aren't allowed."

me: [inner feminist rage starts to emerge] "Why? Why can't girls be artists, too?"

Lily: [dons didactic tone] "Because, mommy. Boys... well, they get... *things.* Girls... they get... *costumes.*"

Steve: "That's sort of deep."

me: [think: OMG my inner feminist is going to keel over]

Dear Santa

Sam wants

Lego mans from eBay

Gift card from Game-Stop

Love Sam

[alien picture thrown in for kicks]

Things students will do for paper extensions

Watch the new Twilight movie. Then write a poem about their experience. Then read it to the class:


This very plain girl, Isabella,
is somehow winning every fella.
And all of them she has refused,
it makes me just a bit confused.


Then comes vampires in slow motion,
and like some freakin’ weird love potion,
our little Swan is sudden smitten
even though she’s not yet been bitten.


There’s a terrible lack of chemistry,
and lots of ‘awkward’ for all to see.
The dialogue makes me want to cry,
I cling to hope while the movie rolls by.


The sparkling bit just makes me sick,
and Edward thinks he’s oh-so-slick.
I’m not sure what it is I’m seeing,
but I do know just how strange they’re being.


Of course the girl becomes blood-bait,
and her killer doesn’t want to wait,
but Super Edward saves the day!
Geez, this movie’s so cliché.


This movie deceives us at first glance;
it’s full of trash and bad romance.
This girl just dreams of sucking blood!
I can’t believe this sickening crud.


I guess I’ve made my opinion clear,
so now I’ll be signing out of here.
I’m going to go read an actual BOOK,
and throw this trash in a fire to cook.

Things students will do for paper extensions

Dress like a polygamist named Abraham and read us the manifesto
wear Christmas lights to all of their classes

draw a picture of their future husband
along with a list of all of his qualities

Things students will do for paper extensions

Paint beautimus pictures of SWILUA out of barbque sauce
Do demonstrations about how to use tape to attract members of the opposite sex
then teach the class how to do it
and also this guy

Nice use of leverage; strange celebratory plan

Lily: "Oh. What do I have, Daddy?"

Steve: "That's my wedding ring. How'd you get it?"

Lily: "What is it?"

Steve: "Like, what's it made of? What do you think it's made of?"

Lily: "What is it?"

me: "It's Gold, baby."

Steve: "Now, give it back. It's expensive."

Lily: "Hmm... No, Daddy. I'm going to need monies if you want it."

Steve: "You're *extorting* me?!"

Lily: "I'm going to need monies or no ring."

Steve: "How much is it going to cost me?"

Lily: "One money."

Steve: [fishes out a penny]

Lily: [grins and snatches penny, then shakes her head so that the ring--which she'd put on her head like a crown--falls on the table.]

Steve: "What are you going to do with that money?"

Lily: "I'm going to the DENTIST!"

In which we discover that Lily is really a V with plans of mass human annihilation

Scene: We're at Burger King, watching President Obama pardon the turkey. Neither of my children are wearing shoes and the smell of boiling fat permeates the air. BTW, Burger King is where we go for all of our sociopolitical enrichment. We're classy that way.

Me: "Do you guys see those girls behind the president? Those are his daughters. Wouldn't it be weird if your dad was president?"

Sam: "Um, the way it would *really* go, Mommy, is that *you'd* be the president and I'd have to call you 'mommy president' and we'd live in the white house."

Me: "You make a very good point."

Sam: "But can girls even be president?"

Me: "Not that it's apparent historically speaking, but absolutely girls can be the president."

Sam: "Huh. Lily, do you want to be the president?"

Lily: [thinks for a moment.] "What I want is to be a giant and then to tower SO HIGH that I'm a voice in the sky. And I'll BOOM. I'll say 'PEOPLE! LISTEN!' And then I'll mush them."

Primary Program Today

my favorite quote, from a nine year old girl reading the Proclamation on the Family:

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome erectional activities." [sic]

So, um, I guess we should move to LA?

Sam: "Mommy, I am almost six and I haven't been on TV yet."

Me: "Actually, honey, you have. You just don't remember."

Sam: "I don't just want to be on On-Demand. I want to be on the *good* shows."

Me: "Like?"

Sam: "Ugh. You know. The kind of shows I like."

Me: "Okay."

Sam: "So, what are you going to do about it?"

Me: "Honey, you don't want to be on TV. People on TV go crazy."

Sam: "But they're on TV."

Me: "Well, we don't live in LA anyway. And even if we did, you'd need an agent."

Sam: "So, what's stopping us? I know I'd like to move to Hollywood."

Lily: [interrupting] "Ooo. And I'll be a ROCKSTAR. Do you like my shirt? It's a rockstar shirt."

Sam: "I've wanted to be famous my WHOLE LIFE."

Me: "Well, you didn't tell me until you were three, so that's only like two years."

Sam: [ignores me] "You can't just give up on something you've wanted to do your WHOLE LIFE."

5yo Brand Awareness: Mass Media Style

Sam: "Hey, Mommy, I'm watching this great show."

me: "Which one?"

Sam: "Something with dinosaurs."

me: "Oh. Is it good?"

Sam: "It is definitely not evil."

me: [laugh]

Sam: "You can tell because it's on PBS Kids."

me: "So PBS isn't evil?"

Sam: "PBS *Kids* isn't evil."

Steve: [perks up][he's a marketer. for TV stuff.][not coincidentally, he used to work for PBS.] "So what about the other networks? What about Nickelodeon?"

Sam: "Evil."

Steve: "Disney?"

Sam: "Sometimes evil. Sometimes not. Disney movies are definitely evil."

Steve: "Cartoon Network?

Sam: "Can be evil."

Steve: "But PBS is never evil?"

Sam: "PBS *Kids.*"

Steve: "PBS Kids is never evil?"

Sam: "Well," [points to a promo that has just begun] "these things are sometimes evil. But PBS Kids is usually good."

Dear old man in the wheelchair:

I know you're old.

probably blind.

and, yanno, in a wheelchair.

It's still not OK ask random women if they're having a boy or girl.

As you pat their belly.

Just so you know.

Conversation in the Car

Sam: "Hey, Lily, look at my amazing muscles." [flexes]

Lily: "Oh, wow. That is so hot."

Steve: [snorts] "Did she just say, 'that is so hot?'"

me: "Yes. We can call her Paris from now on."

Sam: "So, Lily, if you think my muscles are so awesome, why don't you marry them?"

Lily: "Because... Ew."

Sam: [flexes]

me: "You guys are adorable, BTW."

Sam: "Oh, good. That means we're off your list."